“It’s already forgotten, Lil.”
But Lily couldn’t forget that night. She couldn’t forget how much she’d wanted to punish her sister. What if she did it again? What if Rick had ruined her? No, it was easier to stay in her room. She had Sky to cuddle with, to make her feel normal. Mom delivered her meals morning, noon, and night. The flat-screen TV was equipped with endless cable stations. Lily hadn’t seen cable TV in years. They’d had a black-and-white set with basic channels that worked sporadically. Lily was amazed at how much mindless entertainment there was. She was obsessed with reality TV and the inane problems of even more inane people. She enjoyed watching fights over meaningless things. Who got a rose? Who wore it best? What housewife was the most real? It was all so ridiculous that she couldn’t look away. It was easier to watch this mindless crap than think about Rick or the other girls or to think about the thing that was growing inside her. She’d found the perfect place to hide from the world and the terror that lurked in her subconscious.
And then she woke up one day, the house still dark, to find Sky gone. Terror coursed through Lily’s body. Where was she? Maybe Rick had sent someone for her. It was possible. Anything was possible when it came to Rick.
Lily bit back a scream, scanning the room, trying to keep her breathing steady. Sky never left Lily’s side without permission. Sky never did anything without making sure Lily gave her approval. She’d wait patiently for Lily to say yes, often trying to lure her out of the room. But this morning she was gone.
Lily leapt out of bed and was almost out the door when she spotted the edge of her grandma’s knitted blue quilt sticking out of the closet. She swung open the door and found Sky curled up in a ball, fast asleep. Relieved, Lily knelt down and wrapped her daughter in her arms. She’d picked Sky up and put her back to bed, telling herself this was an isolated event. But soon this became their routine, night after night, Lily waking from a deep sleep to find Sky dozing in the closet. Lily tried to ignore what was happening, tried to tell herself that Sky would be fine after more time had passed.
On the fortieth day of Lily’s self-confinement, she woke with a stomachache, her body racked with cramps. She found Sky in the closet and raced her back into bed. She felt something wet staining her legs and looked down to see blood.
She raced into the bathroom. Lily didn’t need tests or doctors to tell her that the baby was gone. She wanted to mourn the loss, but this baby had never been real to her. It couldn’t be. Lily stared down at her thin, angular frame, surveying the scars, the souvenirs he’d left. Her body was hers again. All hers. Lily began to cry, deep, heavy, heart-wrenching sobs. Rick no longer controlled her emotions. She collapsed onto the bathroom rug, her crying growing louder and louder. Lily didn’t know how long she lay there. She heard yelling, saw Mom and Abby staring down at her.
Mom grabbed a towel and moved beside Lily, ordering Abby to get help.
“Call 911. Right now.”
But Lily stopped her.
“No. Don’t. Please. Just wait.”
She reached out for Abby and Mom, and they held Lily until her tears were all cried out. When she was finally able to speak again, Abby brushed Lily’s hair aside.
“Lil, you tell us, what do you want us to do? What do you need?”
Lily thought about Sky, about the sharpness of the memories that were seeping in day by day, and she forced herself to say the words she’d been so afraid to say since she’d returned home.
“I need… I need help.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
EVE
Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” wafted from the speakers of Dr. Amari’s private practice, a plush office located a few miles from Lancaster Medical Center. Eve sat beside Lily, waiting for her appointment to begin.
“I haven’t heard you sing in so long. I forgot how pretty your voice was,” Lily said softly.
“Good Lord, I must be losing it. I didn’t even know I was singing,” Eve said.
“You’ll have to teach Sky all your favorite carols.”
“I can’t wait. She’ll be our little Christmas songbird in no time.”
Lily squeezed Eve’s hand just as Dr. Amari appeared at the door.
“Lily, are you ready?” Dr. Amari asked.
Lily nodded, putting on a brave face. Eve knew that it was difficult for Lily to come here, to discuss all that she’d endured. But Dr. Amari had been a lifesaver. There was a part of Eve that actually believed one day they might all be whole again. Lily reached out to Eve for a hug. There were always hugs now. Eve hoped that wouldn’t change.