His chin fell. “God, I’m going to miss you.”
I swallowed the emotion forming a lump in my throat. Witness protection was best. I needed to face that. “Will the FBI . . . will I be able to contact you if I’m . . . ?”
I was so stupid. Why the hell had I risked getting pregnant?
“Not me. They won’t allow it. But since it happened as part of a sting operation, I believe there’s some kind of financial—”
I sat straighter. “Stop!”
His eyes opened wide. “What?”
“I’m not asking you for money! Is that what you think this is about?”
“No . . . no . . . that’s not what I meant. I just mean, you’ll need to be able to provide . . .”
I threw back the covers and stood. I was a fucking wreck. One minute I was sad, the next I was mad. I wanted to go back. I didn’t want to go back. I loved Jacob and I’d miss him. I hated him and I never wanted to see him again.
Holding my head, I paced along the side of the bed.
“Sara, come lie down.”
“No! I feel like I’m going to jump out of my skin. I don’t know who the hell I am, or even what I feel.” In the darkened room, Jacob sat up against the headboard, but he didn’t try to speak, to tell me who I was or what I should feel.
Part of me wanted him to do that.
The Sara part.
That was the part of me that was conditioned to do exactly what my husband said, what he wanted, even before he said it.
“Damn you!” I screamed.
His shadow didn’t flinch.
“Did you hear me? I hate this! It might not be your doing, and I may have forgiven you your role, but it was still you!”
“I wasn’t . . .”
“I know,” I interrupted, “you didn’t choose me. You didn’t even want a wife, but it was you who made it all right. If you were Abraham, I could easily walk away.”
His head moved from side to side. “You’re right,” he said sadly, “I’m so fucking sorry I tried to make it the best I could for you.” His tone evened as he stood from the bed. “Maybe that’s all you need to push you over the edge into making the right decision.” Each word came forth with less and less emotion. Walking toward me, he reached for his belt. “You’ve always been smart. It scared the shit out of me, but this time, I thank you. You just gave me the goddamn answer.”
My breathing quickened as I backed away and he unlatched the buckle. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“What I fucking promised I’d never do.”
“No way! Don’t do this. It’s not you.”
He pulled his belt from the loops, one at a time, the sound echoing through the room. “Don’t worry, Sara, I think you’ll have your decision soon.”
I swallowed and stepped backward away from the bed until my back bumped into the vanity at the end of the room. His dark form moved closer. By the light of the night-light, I watched as he ran the length of his belt through his hands.
“Jacob, don’t do this.”
In the semidarkness, the belt dangling from his left hand reminded me of a whip. It didn’t take a stretch of my imagination to see it that way. To my left was the door to the bathroom containing the shower and toilet. I lunged for it, making it inside as Jacob’s foot entered the jamb. Though I pushed with all my might, I couldn’t shut the door.
“Come out here. It’s time to prepare.”
CHAPTER 14
Jacob/Jacoby
“You can’t do this,” Sara yelled from the small bathroom. Her volume decreased as she surrendered the door and sank down onto the closed toilet seat.
She was wrong, I could do it. I couldn’t do it out of anger. That was Father Gabriel’s teaching, but I could do it, as her husband it was my right. Besides, her bravery was nothing more than stupidity. Three fucking years of work down the damn drain because she wanted a baby. She didn’t have the right to make that kind of decision, not in The Light. That was up to me. Punishment for that alone was justified.
Opening the door, I narrowed my gaze, and worked to speak calmly. “Don’t make me repeat myself.”
The blue that stared up at me, veiled by the bowed head and long lashes, would haunt me forever, but I knew what I was doing. Sara couldn’t go back and neither could I. The operation was over. It was up to me to make her feel right about leaving me and about telling me to go to hell.
She didn’t need to tell me, because without her and our possible child, I’d be in hell—figuratively as well as literally. As I fought my own fight against my three years of personal conditioning, I was standing at the entrance to fire and brimstone. The twisting in my stomach told me it was a one-way door.
I stood silently watching the conflict between the two women inside her as it continued to rage. With each ticking second it was as if I could see both individuals. Slowly Stella was relinquishing control to Sara. This was, after all, Sara’s world; nevertheless, Stella wouldn’t go away quietly. Even as Sara’s shoulders rolled forward, Stella spoke.