I pursed my lips. “No, I figured it out as Sara. What I don’t understand is how I was OK with it.” I shook my head. “Because as much as I hate it at this moment, two weeks ago I didn’t.”
“That’s because we all worked to condition you. Assuming we’re going back, if we were to end up there longer than a few days or weeks, the time will come when you’re expected to help condition others. It’s required. Refusing isn’t an option, not without punishment and possible banishment. The community as a whole works to welcome new members, no matter how they’re obtained. Working together is essential to keeping it all running. In some ways you’ve already done it. The women you meet with, you’re conditioning them to accept the way of The Light and Father Gabriel’s word.”
I didn’t want to think about that—about how I’d helped. “Tell me about the women in the morgue.”
Jacob’s shoulder rose and fell. “I wasn’t at the Eastern Light for very long. I progressed fast and the Northern Light happened to have an opening for a pilot.”
“Happened?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t,” he reassured me. “I assume the one before me was banished, but I’ve never been told. The only people who know are the Commission, and I can’t question them.”
“Have you asked anyone on the Assembly? It seems like you’re close with Brothers Benjamin and Luke.”
“We are, but no. I can’t let my assignment affect Jacob’s behavior. If I did . . . if I became too inquisitive, it would make people leery.”
“Dead women?” I asked again.
“Like I said, The Light needs women, not just for sex, but for jobs that men are too busy to do. It’s the Eastern Light’s responsibility to determine if the women that are chosen or who volunteer will be able to handle it. Once they’re brought into The Light, if it’s determined they aren’t fit to be a follower, they’re removed.”
“Does that only happen at the Eastern Light?”
“No, but that’s where most of it happens. However, every new believer has a probationary period.”
“Do you dispose of bodies at the Northern Light?”
“Me personally? No.”
“But it happens?”
He nodded.
“That first time you were asked to transport followers, they weren’t willing participants, were they?”
“No.”
“Women?”
“Yes, all five of them.”
I seriously thought I might be ill. “What happened once they got to the Northern Light?”
“You know what happened. You lived through it.”
“I’ve been asking questions, since I started having memories. It seems like many women have similar stories.”
“Similar, but they vary,” he admitted. “The similarities are injuries. For many they occur at the Eastern Light. It’s part of the process to see how well they adapt. The main component is lack of sight. It’s been determined that loss of vision is an essential psychological factor in making the new follower dependent upon her husband.”
A tear slid down my cheek as I stood. “Well,” I said, walking to the end of the bed. “I guess I should congratulate whoever put the plan together. It works.”
Jacob came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. Leather and musk fell over us as I laid my head back against his chest. “I’ll tell you I’m sorry forever, but I know it’ll never be enough.”
I turned into his warm embrace. The steady beat of his heart comforted me, as it had over the last nine months. Keeping my cheek against his soft shirt, I asked, “Is it still my decision, if I go back?”
“Yes.”
“I was all ready to say yes. I mean, I want to help. I want Father Gabriel to be brought down . . .”
“But now?” His chest vibrated with his words.
I shook my head as tears began to freely flow. “It’s so wrong, so perverse. I’m not sure I can watch other women suffer, like I did, or help condition them. The fact I already have sickens me.”
“People like Raquel and Deborah, at the clinic, are very good at it.”
I nodded, the feeling of betrayal slicing deep inside me. “I thought Raquel was my friend.”
Jacob grasped my shoulders and held me at arm’s length. Looking deep into my puffy eyes, he said, “She is. Don’t doubt that. She’s the reason I found you. She risked punishment to save you.”
“To bring me back. I’m not sure it’s saving me.”
His eyes narrowed. “Listen to me.” His even tone held an edge of harshness. “Raquel didn’t know what kind of man Thomas was, but by getting you away from him, she saved you. What she does know, what she’s the most concerned about, is what would’ve happened if The Light found you. She risked her own well-being to save your life. Her lies were no more malicious than mine. She isn’t undercover, but she believes. Like many of the others, she sincerely believes that what she’s doing is for the greater good. She only wanted your success.”