“Yeah.”
“For real?” I said. “I think about it all the time. Like, since I first popped wood, my brain has been stuck on sex overdrive.”
“Weird.”
“How can you not think about sex?” I asked.
Syrup dripped over the side of his pancakes and pooled near his eggs. He scraped together a mouthful of both, mixing the salty and sweet, which was practically anathema to me, and ate them. “Just don’t.”
This was a side of Dustin I’d never known. “What about when you need to fire off a few practice shots?”
“Yeah,” he said. “I whack it sometimes. It’s like flossing, though. Necessary but tedious.”
“Wow. Is that why you’ve never dated anyone?”
Dustin had cleaned his plate while I’d barely eaten half my sandwich. Denny’s was starting to fill up with the Friday night after-club crowd, but Dustin and I existed in our own world. “I guess. Like, I’d be down to spending time with someone cool, cuddling and shit. But then there’d be all that pressure to have sex, and I’m just not into it.”
I had difficulty understanding where Dustin was coming from. Even though Calvin had ruined it at the end, I still remembered kissing him, and the feel of his hands on my chest. If I were weaker, I might have forgiven him so we could do it again. The idea that Dustin didn’t care for or think about sex intrigued me.
“Maybe you should give Frye a chance to explain,” Dustin said. “He’s not a bad guy.”
“How do you know?”
“We had economics together last year.”
“But that was normal Calvin, not emo Calvin from the darkest timeline.”
“People go through shit,” Dustin said. “Some handle it better than others.”
“Like you?”
Dustin pushed his plate away and then wiped his mouth with his napkin. “Nah, I’m a mess.”
“Yeah, you’re a five-car pileup.”
I’d tried to bait Dustin into talking about college, but he didn’t bite. “Look, all I’m saying is that maybe Calvin wasn’t actually after sex. Maybe he just wanted to feel close to someone—that someone being you—and thought sex was the way to get what he wanted.”
“He could’ve just told me he wanted to talk.”
Dustin shrugged and looked down at his empty plate. “Let’s be honest, Pinks. You’re not exactly the easiest person in the world to talk to, and you’ve been pretty focused on other things the last few months.”
I would’ve been pissed if anyone other than Dustin had said it, but he wasn’t wrong. I’d been so concerned with my own problems—my parents and Renny and finding Tommy—that I’d been ignoring everything else. It was entirely possible Calvin had needed something from me, I’d missed it, and he’d thought sex was the only way to get it.
“The real question,” Dustin said, “is whether this was a one-time thing between you and Calvin or if you want more.”
It was easier to hate Calvin for being a jerk than talk to him. It was easier to think I’d made a mistake—the kind of mistake Tommy could forgive me for when he came back—than that something real had happened between me and Calvin.
“For someone who doesn’t think about sex,” I said, “you seem to know a lot about it.”
Dustin shook his head. “I don’t know anything about sex. But I know you, Pinks. Stop overthinking it and talk to the guy. Just, you know, keep your clothes on this time.”
“You’re an ass.”
“I know.”
I abandoned my BLT, and we paid and left. When we reached Dustin’s house, I stood at my car and we stared at the empty sky. I still couldn’t fathom that the stars no longer existed, and found it even more difficult to believe that I was the only one who knew they ever had. The sky felt desolate without them, but it also felt heavy. Like it might fall and crush us under its weight. The whole thing was difficult to even begin to wrap my brain around. I kept hoping I’d look up and find all the stars back where they were supposed to be. Like with Calvin, it was easier to ignore the problem than to deal with it.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked Dustin.
“We’re all going to be okay.”
“With the college thing,” I said. “You could get scholarships.”
Dustin waved me off. “So what if I can’t go to an expensive school? I’m luckier than most. UF’s a good college, and I’m still the smartest guy you know. I’ll be fine.”
“I wish I had your confidence.”
“You can choose to be happy with what life gives you,” he said, “or spend your life miserable. I choose happiness. It’s really that simple.”
239,924 AU
I LAY IN BED UNTIL noon on saturday thinking about Calvin. Wondering if Dustin was right and I was overthinking what had happened. Maybe what Calvin had said had been more about him than about me, and he’d explain if I gave him the chance. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to give him that chance. Because if Calvin did have a good reason for what he’d said, and I forgave him, I’d have to deal with what we’d done. I’d have to deal with what hooking up with Calvin meant for me and Tommy.
I was certain I loved Tommy, and I refused to accept that he was gone and might never come back, but Calvin was here and Tommy wasn’t. It was possible that I actually liked Calvin, that something real might have happened between us on New Year’s Eve. And if it had, well, I doubted I could forget about Tommy and jump into a relationship with Calvin, but I at least owed him the opportunity to explain.
I finally texted Calvin to see if he wanted to get together to work on our roller coaster. He answered “yes” almost immediately, which meant I needed to get out of bed.
I stumbled downstairs in my boxers. A realtor had been holding open houses while I was at school, and the house was cleaner than normal. It already looked like we’d never lived there. They hadn’t just swept away the crumbs on the floor, they’d swept up the memories we’d made. Swept them up and dumped them in the trash.
My mom walked into the kitchen as I reached the bottom of the stairs. She was wearing a black bikini with a flower-print sarong wrapped around her waist, and she’d tied her hair into a ponytail.
“My eyes!” I yelled. “They’re burning!”
Mom pursed her lips. “Don’t be dramatic, Ozzie. You breast-fed until you were two. Besides, I’m not the one wearing underwear.”
I glanced at my Super Mario boxers. “They’re more shorts than underwear.”
Mom pulled out a pink water bottle and a yogurt from the fridge, setting both on the counter.
I sat at the kitchen bar, hoping she’d leave soon so I could make myself brunch in peace. “Going to the beach?”
“Yes.”
“With Ben Schwitzer?”
Mom shook her head. “I’m not seeing Ben any longer. Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Did you realize you had more in common with his parents than him?”
Mom rested her hands on the counter and leaned forward, her arms straight. “This isn’t easy for me, Oswald.”