“When I was fourteen, I tried to kill myself by taking a bunch of my mom’s pills. When I was sixteen, I saved my brother from being beaten to death by a guy my mom was seeing, but she was passed out and didn’t know what had happened until it was too late. I had to fight a grown man, get his ass off my little brother, all because Perry had accidentally spilled some soda on the floor. My brother was in ICU for five weeks. He was only thirteen and his heart had stopped twice.” Addison squeezed his hand, her gaze lowered. “I love my mother very much, Addison. She used to be a good person, but I haven’t seen that person since I was a kid. A part of me hates her, but I’ve never really allowed myself to go that far, you know, to admit it.
“I resent having to take care of her for something she’s doing to herself. It’s not like she broken ’er leg or something that was beyond her control. Nope.” He shook his head in disgust. “She blacks out, she acts out, she ruins everything. I understand it’s an addiction, but it begins with a choice. She makes the choice to drink. And then I have to make choices to keep everything together, even at my own expense sometimes. I think I’m actually making it worse. Shit.” He grimaced. “Maybe I’m the problem.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because I accuse Perry of being the enabler, but I’m a fucking hypocrite. I’m an enabler, too. I think that’s the hardest part of all, Addison… that I can’t just let her die. If I… if I don’t help her… shit!” She reached around him and held him. He felt the wetness on his face but didn’t want to fully acknowledge it was there. “I keep holding on to the mom I had when I was three, or four, or five… I keep thinking that,” he said, another tear falling, “If I just help ’er this one last time, she’ll turn into that woman again and then… then everything can go back to normal.”
“But you know it won’t. Something is eating at your mother, making her do these things, Aiden, and it’s not your fault.”
“I know it’s not my fault, but if something happens to her then I sometimes worry that it will be.”
“Tell me about a dream you had that went up in smoke.”
“I put myself through college and was determined to make it, no matter what. I didn’t want to end up like some of my friends. It seemed everyone around me was falling back in life. I graduated from Drexel University as you know.”
“Yes.”
“College life was great because I was away from everyone. I had new, motivated friends and I was away from her. But then Perry told me Mom was getting worse so instead of staying in Pennsylvania, I made plans to leave. As soon as I graduated, I came back home. Reluctantly. And well, now here I am.”
He drew silent for a spell, needing a break from all this emotion. Their fingers intertwined, time ticked on by. He lost track of how long until her voice broke the silence.
“What about your past relationships?”
“Women?” He looked at her with a raised brow.
“Yes.”
“Wow. Well, I’ve had a slew of fucked up relationships… women who didn’t give a shit about me or I didn’t give a shit about them.” He shrugged dismissively. “It was always something. I like to make people feel good whether it’s through encouragement, advice, sex, whatever. It makes me feel better if someone is smiling because of me… I don’t know why.” He sighed. “It just does.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed that about you. Do you know what I think is driving that?”
“What?”
“Because as long as you’re focusing on other people, Aiden, then you don’t have to focus on you.”
He looked at her for a spell, wondering if her assessments were true.
Of course they were.
“I always said when a relationship went bad that I never wanted to settle down in the first place, but actually, in retrospect, I think that was a lie I was telling myself, Addison. Honestly, I just pick the wrong women… women who need to be fixed, or women like my mother. If a woman has her shit together it seems I don’t want her. So, I guess you were right.” The truth hit him like a ton of bricks. His wall crumbled and the remnants lay at his feet. “I saw that you needed someone… you were vulnerable, and it attracted me towards you. Not like in a predator type of way, but, you know, wanting to help. I found you physically attractive too, beautiful actually, and so, when we got to talking, something started to happen because I liked the things you were saying, and how you said them.
“Then, as we got to know each other better, I realized you weren’t as helpless as I thought. You’re strong. Real strong.” He hung his head. “And I thought to myself, ‘I really like her. What’s going to happen when she no longer needs me?’ But, I was willing to take that chance, because that’s always the name of the game for me, you know? I like to help people get on their feet then see them fly. With you… I’ve had some of the best conversations ever.” He smiled sadly. “Some of the best sex of my entire life…” He didn’t miss her smile. “Some of the best dates, everything. So many times I would get ready to answer you, open up, but I just couldn’t.”
“Why not?” She ran her hand along his arm.
“Because I was afraid you wouldn’t like what you saw.” Addison’s fingers brushed softly against his cheek and he pressed into them, the warmth of her touch soothing him.
“I loved what I saw, Aiden. That’s the reason I’m here right now. You had nothing to fear.”
“But that’s not what was in my mind, you know? To me, it was like I couldn’t be the knight in shining armor for you if I’m flawed and messed up. Then it’s not the same, now is it?”
“Aiden.” She shook her head and softened her gaze. “We’re all flawed and messed up. There’s just degrees to this mess.”
He nodded in understanding. “It’s not that I think I’m better, Addison; it’s that I want everyone else to be better because that makes me feel better, too. But… some things, just like you said, I can’t fix.” He kept on fighting the tears welling in his eyes. “Like the fact that I have to let go of this, and when I do, my mother is going to die…”
“Oh, baby.” Addison held him close, her perfume giving comfort to his tattered soul. Her warm breath drew close to his ear. “It’s all right. It’s not your job to fix everything, Aiden. You’ve got to remember to take care of yourself, too, baby. Give some personal training to your heart and put all this weight on your shoulders on a diet, my love. Humanitarians have feelings and needs, too…”
CHAPTER TWELVE
Humanitarians Give the Best Head…
…Later that night