“Kind of like I do, but without alcohol assistance?”
“When you do it, it’s kind of cute,” she said. “I already made amends for a lot of my transgressions—all the drunk dialing, sexting, rumor spreading, character assassination, and I’m truly sorry and embarrassed. And you know I’m not ready to look too far into the future yet, but before we go any further, I have to tell you something important.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I can’t have children.”
His face took on a very pained expression. “Oh, Sierra, I’m sorry.” He reached across the table to take her hand. “What was it? Congenital? Something happened?”
“No. No. Nothing like that. Well, something like that, actually. There are the hereditary issues—my schizophrenic father. Then add addiction to that. Any child of mine would have the cards stacked against it. Both those conditions tend to run in families. I’ve decided I won’t be having children.”
He was quiet for a moment. “That must have been such a hard decision for you,” he finally said, his voice soothing.
“It was the obvious choice,” she said. “But I know how much you love kids.”
“I do like kids,” he said. “Did you think telling me this was going to change how I feel about you?”
“I’m not going to change my mind,” she said.
He just looked at her for a long time. “Come here, Sierra,” he said, pulling on her hand. “Come on, come here.” He pulled on her until she got up from the table and came around to his side. He pushed back from the table and pulled her down to his lap. “Listen, we’re both going to bring some baggage to this, to us. Why don’t we just take it one day at a time, huh?”
“Are you kidding me?” she asked with a laugh.
“Oh, I get it—you alcoholics think you’re the only ones who thought of that strategy,” he said. “It’s gotten us both through some of the hard stuff we’ve had to deal with. You’re not the only one with some burdens, okay? So, you’ve decided it’s better if you don’t have children. I get it. I’m not going to try to change your mind.”
“I know you want a family,” she said. “Before we spend one more day—”
“Sierra, up until I met you I wasn’t sure I’d ever even have another girlfriend. The last one kind of wrecked me and I’ll be the first to admit, I wasn’t exactly open to the idea. But then I met you. At first you scared me. You’re pretty confident. That’s a good thing, but it scares the boys.”
“Me? I have so little confidence!”
“Okay, then you have determination. You act like you don’t need anybody.”
“It’s true. I act like that,” she said. “It’s kind of a defense mechanism.”
He smiled at her, his hand casually rubbing her thigh. “It’s a good one. Scared me for a while. But then I got to know you. I think you’re a good person who came through some hard times. I think the important part there is that you came through, not that you had hard times. I know you can’t change people and I wouldn’t try, but people change themselves all the time. When they want to. Sierra, I don’t care if you had troubles in the past—”
“I was trouble, Connie...”
“Okay, you did some things you had to apologize for. Good on you that you apologized. And I guess you learned a few things. I’m not going to give you up just because you used to be a bad girl. What matters is what kind of girl you are now. And now you’re almost perfect. You don’t even have a nasty callus on your big toe.” He smiled at her.
“You can’t have the kind of life you want with someone like me...”
“I can have exactly the kind of life I want with someone like you,” he said. “I know it makes you nervous to think about promises and commitments to the future so we don’t have to go there. I know you’ll completely wig out if I tell you I love you.”
“You can’t be sure of something like that! It’s too soon! You don’t know me yet, not really! When you get to know me, you’ll—”
“I’ll let you say it first, okay? Just relax, I’m not going to hurt you, trick you, back you into a corner, try to change you or smother you. I’m going to be with you just the way you are. I like the way you are.” He gave her a small kiss. “It doesn’t hurt that you think I’m perfect. Except for the toe.”
“I like you so much I don’t want you to get stuck with a bad girlfriend,” she said.
“Then never leave me,” he said. “Just one thing. Don’t worry that you’re going to scare me away by telling me all you’ve been through. Or all the bad things you did.” He leaned his forehead against her forehead. “Sexting, huh?”
“Oh God,” she said, closing her eyes.
“Are you still doing that?” he asked. “Under the right circumstances?”
“No! Of course not!”
“That’s kind of too bad,” he said with an evil grin.
She laughed.
“Here’s what we should do. We should go in the bedroom, do boom-boom for a while, then come back out here and have ice cream with warm chocolate chip cookies. Then, if we want to, we can have more boom-boom.”
“And the fact that I will never have children?” she pushed.
“If you are worried about your genetics, there are an awful lot of kids in this world without parents. You never know what the future really holds.”
“Boom-boom?” she repeated with a laugh. “You’re kind of a sex maniac, you know that.”
“So are you,” he said. “Want me to carry you?”
“Yes,” she said.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
—Confucius
Chapter 13
ONE EVENING WHEN Connie was tied up at the firehouse, Sierra decided to attend a meeting in Leadville. She was running a little late but people were still grabbing up coffee and cookies—sugar had traditionally been the alcoholic’s friend. When she looked around the church basement for a comfortable spot, she saw a familiar face and headed that way. Neely was sitting in the second row.
“You’re still around?” she asked, taking the chair beside Neely.
“I am. I’m sorry, you’re...?”
“Sierra,” she said, putting out her hand. “I heard you speak a week or two ago and I thought you were doing some traveling. Speaking at meetings. Going to conferences, roundups and that sort of thing.”
“I’ve been doing a lot of that, yes. Steering committee, women’s conference committee, lots of AA work. Now it’s time for a little personal work. And I like this place.”
“It’s a good place,” Sierra agreed.
“I wonder,” Neely said, looking a bit contemplative. “Do you have time for pie and coffee afterward?”