“We’re only as sick as our secrets,” she finished for him. “I’ve tried not to think about it too much, as if I could keep it casual, but he’s important to me.”
“You have over a year of sobriety now,” Moody said. “You’ll always be on thin ice but the good news is, with hard work, it’s going to get thicker. You’ve done a lot of good work. It’s okay to take a little pride in that.”
“Do you?” she asked.
“I do,” he admitted. “Cautiously. Honestly. Humbly. My new normal?”
After burgers and a little talking about more mundane subjects, they went off to the meeting. It was crowded; it was an open meeting, which meant you didn’t have to be in recovery—or hoping for recovery—to attend. People she knew from the closed meetings were there with friends or family. There were the curious who weren’t of a mind to commit. The speaker for the evening was a beautiful woman with a big laugh, an obvious sense of style and an amazing dimpled smile. She was in her midthirties, had clear eyes, straight teeth, a rosy complexion and thick, healthy mahogany hair. She wore jeans, boots and a leather jacket that was to die for. People were greeting her, introducing themselves, anxious to meet her like she was a celebrity. Apparently she was well-known on this meeting circuit. When it was finally time to begin, they started with a prayer, took care of some business, read over the steps and the speaker was introduced. She took the podium.
“Hi. My name is Neely and I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi, Neely,” the room responded as one.
“I had my first drink when I was four years old. My parents had friends over a lot. There were always half-filled beer bottles and glasses around and I went through the family room and kitchen, sipping at the leftovers. The first time I remember being seriously buzzed, I was about ten. And thus began my drinking career. I’ve been sober for nine years now.”
No one gasped. No one groaned. No one whispered. They’d all heard this kind of story before. It wasn’t even shocking.
The new normal, indeed.
This woman, Neely, was so confident, so captivating, such an engaging speaker, the kind that could make a person almost feel lucky to have this scourge of alcoholism because of all the wisdom brought by the growth. Neely was so sophisticated, so smart. Sierra felt a stirring of envy. She’d given her testimony several times, but nothing like this. This was a performance. When Neely was done she was instantly surrounded by people, praising her.
She was something of a star.
*
Sierra got to thinking. She’d known Connie since March. August was only days away. They’d been intimate since about the end of June. She knew him better than she’d known a man in maybe her whole life. It seemed like all the relationships before Connie had been shallow or dysfunctional or abusive or all of the above.
In several of their long conversations Connie had described himself as an ordinary man with simple needs. He was far from ordinary. He was a first responder, a hero, a decisive man of action. He said all he’d ever wanted since he was a kid was to live and work in this part of the Colorado mountains. He wanted to help people, he wanted to be a family man. “I get enough adventure at work,” he had said. “I’m not looking for a lot of craziness. Just a few good friends, a quiet and stable home and you know, comfort. Oh, and good food. Good food is important.”
Connie was a keeper. She was afraid to make any kind of statement about that, even to herself. But one thing she knew—if he found her lacking in some important ways and decided they couldn’t be together, it was going to sting. She’d rather not worry about that, anticipate it, fear it.
The problem was Connie wanted children. He hadn’t come right out and said that was important to him, but what else was included in a home life, in a family?
She knocked on his door purposefully. When he opened the door he instantly grabbed her with a lusty growl, lifting her off her feet and burying his mouth in her neck. “Connie! Connie! Put me down!”
“Why?” he asked, not putting her down.
“I want to talk! Can we please talk?”
He still didn’t put her down. “Are you going to break up with me?”
“No, I just want to talk about something. Something personal.”
“Again?” he asked. He reluctantly put her down on her feet. “Where’s Molly?”
Sierra gave a whistle and the dog came running. “She was watering the bushes.”
“That’s good. If you dump me now we might have custody issues.”
“Why would I dump you? You’re almost perfect.”
“Almost?” he asked, teasing her.
“You have a really bad big-toe callus. It scratches sometimes.” She looked past him. “Are you cooking?”
“I’m making cookies. We have more camp kids tomorrow.” He leaned down and kissed her neck. “You wanna talk, huh?”
“Yes,” she said, closing the door behind her. Molly ran straight to her water dish, always filled for her.
“Maybe we should do it first, so I can concentrate,” he said.
“Maybe we should get this over with so I can feel better. It’s very scary, revealing myself a little at a time like this, always worrying that you’re going to have overload and say, ‘that’s it—too much.’”
That made him smile. “You worry about that?”
“Of course! You know I’m happy. I know you’re happy. Let’s sit at the table.” She walked past him and pulled out a chair. “Wow, those cookies smell good.”
“I was going to bring you some tonight if you didn’t come over. Do you want some now?”
“No, right now I want to tell you a couple of things. Then you can think about what I’ve told you and decide if you really want to be in this...this...whatever this is. Relationship.”
He crossed his big arms over his chest. “We talk for hours, do it like bunnies, laugh our butts off, tell each other stories, bare our souls—it’s a relationship, Sierra. You are going to have to come to terms with that.”
“Well, that’s a fact. So, I told you—I’m an alcoholic. One of my steps is to list all the people I wronged because of my drinking and the list became very long because I was clearly out of control. I might not have admitted it at the time, but I was. I did some bad things.”
“I think you want to tell me what bad things so I can say, ‘okay—that’s in the past,’ then we can get on with things.”
“You think it’s just a big funny thing and it’s not. I had a real taste for one-night stands. I had no judgment—married men were not off-limits. I was impulsive and reckless. I borrowed a car without permission once—thank God it was only once—and hit a pole in a parking lot. I dented the bumper. I’d get two drinks in me and say any damn thing that came into my head.”