I knew I loved him when “home” went from being a place to a person. Suddenly, I don’t feel comfortable in my own house—the house I grew up in. My home is Nick, and he’s not here, therefore I’m uncomfortable.
I spend my days in complete and utter idleness. I’m overwhelmed by the events in Mexico, and my parents think I’m home because I have time off. But the truth is, I just need to shut my mind off for a few days and watch reruns of Sex and the City. I don’t even think I leave my room except to eat and shower.
And the truth is… I know this is something I really need to think about. I’m hoping that between episodes and between my meals consisting of Top Ramen, enlightenment will come, the answer will worm its way into my brain, and all will be better.
But it doesn’t work like that. Not when it comes to matters of the heart.
I make a pros and cons list. It’s unfairly obvious what the answer is, but still. I know in my heart what my decision is, and it’s not because I always choose the happily ever afters—though I do wonder for a day or two if that’s the only reason. No, I know I’ll choose to go all-in with Nick because of the way he makes me feel.
His gentle touch, his loving glances, his tender words, his caring nature… I know I’m in love with him for all the right reasons. My heart speeds up when I see him, sure, but my heart also fills wish so much joy, so much love when he’s happy. I like to look at him, but I love talking to him. I like it when he comes home in suits and talks about work, but I love it when his guard falls down, and he talks to me like any normal thirty-two-year-old would talk to me.
Violet comes over on my third day off, and though I try not to weigh her down with my issues, I can’t help but feel so confused.
There’s no guidebook for this kind of thing.
“I think you should waltz over there right now and tell him everything you just told me,” she says, pouring the white wine into plastic cups. We’re seated on my bed at my parents’ house. “Easy peasy.”
“Except it’s not easy peasy, Vi. If we agree to do this, I can’t be Bria’s nanny. It’ll be too confusing for her. And it’ll put so much pressure on me—think about it. If he’s dating the nanny, there is no professionalism. It’ll confuse Bria. And if it doesn’t work out, she’ll lose me both as a nanny and as her father’s girlfriend.”
“So just quit your job, and they can find a new nanny.”
“Yes, we’ve thought about it, but Bria loves me. She has abandonment issues, and I can’t just leave her in the hands of a stranger. Again, it’ll be confusing for her.”
Violet quietly sips her wine and thinks about it.
“When does she start preschool?”
“September,” I say, looking at her skeptically.
“Well, the answer is obvious,” she says. “Just hold out for nine months until she goes to school. Then you can date and still be in her life without being the sole caregiver.”
It’s actually a great idea, but there’s only one problem.
“I don’t think I can wait nine months, Vi,” I whisper. She slumps down next to me, and we both sip our wine quietly. “This is why I took some time off. To think about this. Because it’s not just a matter of whether or not I want to date Nick. I have to take my job, my future, Bria’s feelings, and Nick’s feelings into account. I want to be sure I’m making the right decision.”
“Well, walking away would be easy. How would that make you feel?” My face falls, and she smiles. “Okay, compromise. Wait nine months until Bria goes to school.” I shake my head vigorously. “Hire a new nanny and date Nick.” My head perks up, but I still shake my head solemnly. “Continue to be Bria’s nanny and date Nick.”
I look down and smile, nodding. Damn. She’s good.
“I guess I have my answer.”
“How many times have I told you? Weigh your options, and always choose the option that makes your heart sing. All the other options are not the right options if they don’t make your heart swell up with happiness.”
“You’re right,” I say.