I sniff and wipe the tears under my eyes. “Dad, Braxton doesn’t know what love is.”
“Oh, sweetheart. I’m sorry you’re hurting.”
“I know, Dad,” I say. “I just have to figure out how to move on.”
“Time,” he says.
I look up and meet his eyes. We never talk about my mother, but I hear it in his voice. He knows exactly what I’m feeling right now.
“Time helps,” he says. “It will get easier. And one day you’ll realize you haven’t thought about him for a while. Then it hurts again, because you feel bad about that. Eventually, even that starts to feel normal.” He puts his hand on mine again. “I’m sorry, Kylie. I know how much he meant to you. Do you want me to call in any favors?”
I smile a little. “No.”
He pats my hand. “Okay, sweetheart. You let me know if you change your mind.”
We finish our meal, but it’s not a very happy Thanksgiving. I clean up and kiss him goodbye. My heart feels so heavy, like it’s taken up permanent residence in my feet, and a fresh wave of tears overtakes me as I drive home.
I flop down on the couch in my apartment, so emotionally exhausted I can’t even cry anymore. The fact that it’s the start of the holiday season only makes it worse. I think about my mother, and her new family. I bet they’re all sitting around some huge table, laughing and eating and drinking expensive wine. I wonder if she thinks about me at all. Does she look at the people sitting around her table and feel like someone is missing? Does she ever think about sending me a Christmas card?
Probably not.
I’ll have to spend Christmas with my dad, but other than that, I decide to skip the holidays this year. No presents, no decorations, no parties. I’m sure Selene will throw another New Year’s Eve party, but there’s no fucking way I’m going. I’ve completely avoided her since Braxton left me, and I don’t know how I’m going to face her again. The loss of Selene cuts through me like another knife. I don’t know what to do. Everything about her reminds me of Braxton; as much as I desperately want to lean on her right now, I can’t.
I don’t know if she and I can recover, and it’s brutal as fuck because none of it is her fault.
It’s not even nine, but I don’t think I can handle life anymore today. I go to bed, wishing I could wake up in a world where the people I love don’t abandon me.
“Well, this is pretty much the worst Christmas in the history of ever.” Selene looks at me with a bored expression, a glass of spiked eggnog in her hand. She decorated the house with a huge Christmas tree, lighted garlands, and some sort of candle that makes the whole place smell faintly like gingerbread.
“It isn’t Christmas,” I say.
“Well, it’s supposed to be our Christmas. You’re the one who had to be a pain in the ass and not come over on Christmas Day.”
I don’t give two shits about the holidays. I would have ignored the whole thing completely, but Selene insisted I come over.
I take a sip of the Scotch she bought me. It’s smooth, goes down easy. I closed down the gym for the week, which is great news. It means I can get drunk and stay that way for a while.
“What did you expect?” I ask. “Fucking Christmas carolers?”
Selene scowls. “Why are you in such a mood?”
“I’m not in a mood,” I say, although I’m not even trying to hide it from her anymore. I’m too fucking tired.
She gets up and takes her glass to the kitchen. “I don’t know why I’m drinking this. It isn’t even good. Can I have some of your Scotch?”
“Yeah, but bring it here and top me off.”
I hear the bottle clink. “Fuck, Brax, we just opened it. Did you drink this much already?”
“Stop trying to be my mother.”
She laughs. “Someone has to be.”
She brings the bottle over and pours another splash. She tips the mouth away and I hold the glass up, raising my eyebrows at her until she pours more.
“Okay,” she says, “I guess this is the kind of Christmas we’re having this year.” She takes the bottle back to the kitchen. “Have you talked to Kylie recently? What’s she doing this week?”
Just hearing her name is a knife to my gut. I try not to flinch, although Selene can’t see my face from where I’m sitting. “No, I haven’t talked to her.”
“Something is going on with her. I’m really worried.”
I sit up. “Worried? Why?”
“Well, for one, she’s hardcore avoiding me.” She sits down on the other side of the sectional. “I’ve hardly seen her. It’s so weird. I text her and she answers, but she cancels our plans every single time. I know she’s busy with her design stuff, but it seems like it’s more than that.”
“I have no idea.”
“When was the last time you guys hung out?” Selene asks.