Raya takes a deep breath and paces over to the cabinet where the picture once stood. She pulls open the top drawer and takes out the frame, staring down at it in silence.
Her sadness saturates the air around us both. I can feel it, thick and heavy. Christ, I can’t even begin to imagine her hurt and anger. Damn her fucking ex. I want to cut off his balls, the heartless arsehole. I wander over, coming to a stop behind her. Instinct is the only explanation I have for nuzzling my face into her neck.
I glance down at the photo, seeing Raya’s arm draped over the shoulders of a silver-haired man, his face radiating the same light I’ve seen in her a few times. But now he’s gone, and he’s taken Raya’s spirit with him.
“I miss him so much.” Her voice cracks, and her shoulders start jumping, grief wracking her petite body.
“Shit.” I turn her in my arms and cuddle her, the urge too strong, the need overwhelming. When she snuggles, not just because she needs to, but because she wants to, I tighten my hold of her, resting my lips on the back of her head, closing my eyes and breathing her into me, just holding her while she sobs.
“I’m sorry.” She sniffs and pulls away, lowering her head, as if ashamed.
“Don’t be sorry.”
Turning away from me, she refocuses her attention on the picture of her and her grandfather. “Now all I have left is a huge house that he left me and an ex who suddenly wants me back.” My lip curls. He can think again. I move in close behind her, curling my arms around the tops of her shoulders, joining her in looking down at the photograph. “You have his eyes,” I say, seeing the zest for life in the old man’s—something I wish I could see more of in Raya’s.
She nods. “He was so wise. Seemed to have the answer for everything, you know? He told me not to trust my ex, but I didn’t listen to him.” She sniffs a little. “He told me he would break my heart, and he was right. I won’t disappoint him again.”
“Cold and emotionless,” I murmur, everything falling into place. This explains so much.
“Hux is the perfect solution.”
“You’re going to maintain that for life? No dating, no trusting?” My questions make me a hypocrite but, God, it seems like such a waste.
“It suits me. A means of escape from real life. And there are no gray areas, right? No risk of being shat all over from a great height.” She turns to face me, and I back off a little.
I’m getting a headache. “Right.”
“And you go there, too, so I assume you don’t want any gray in your life either.”
When did this become about me? I quickly realize it isn’t about me. It’s still about Raya—Raya and her need for reassurance that I’m not going to turn this into anything more than fucking. Is it too late? I clear my throat. “Yeah.”
She nods assertively. I hate how resolute she seems.
“What about your parents?” I ask.
“My mother died giving birth to me. My father killed himself shortly after.”
“Fucking hell.” I can’t keep my disbelief back. My heart breaks for her. Who held her before me? Who comforted her and wiped her tears? No one. Because there isn’t anyone in her life now, and that thought is agony for me. Just to know how alone she is. She wanted to forget. Forget that she has no one. Forget all of her losses, just for a while, because there is nothing she can do to forget them completely. And her ex? What kind of arsehole is he? I fall into a daze, analyzing every piece of information she’s offloaded. Her trust levels are understandably rock-bottom. She is rock-bottom.
“My grandpa devoted his life to raising me,” she breathes, her voice quavering. “He gave me everything I could dream of. I never anticipated being without him, and I honestly don’t know how to be. One day he was bright as a button as he always was, laughing and joking, and the next he was gone. A massive stroke. Just like that.”
I wince. “Why are you selling the house, Raya?”
“He explicitly requested I sell it in his will and use the money to follow my dreams.” She smiles down at the picture, though her expression is weighed down, a huge effort. “I couldn’t live here alone, not with Grandpa everywhere I look.”
“So where are your dreams, Raya?”
“I’m moving to Australia.”
Her declaration is like a dagger plunged into my side “Australia.” I can barely get the word out. The other side of the world? “Why?”
“Grandpa loved it there.” Her soft words confirm my fears. “He lived there until my parents died. Moved back to bring me up. We went there every year for the summer when I was a child. Now I’m taking his ashes back to where he always wanted to be. I need to get away from here. I need a fresh start.”
I exhale, breaking away from her, fearful that she’s sensing my unsteadiness. All of this has shocked me, but the news that she’s leaving England has rocked me to my core. And I don’t like it. At all. None of it—the news or my reactions to the news.
Jesus, Hux was an escape for her all right, but only until she could actually escape. Like leave the fucking country.
“When are you leaving?” There. I really didn’t want to go there.
“As soon as I sell this place.”
I jolt, feeling like I’ve just been struck by lightning. “Right,” I murmur. So she wasn’t mad because I’d acted like a caveman but because if that buyer walks, I’ve stalled her plans to leave.
“I’m going traveling first.” She smiles, seeming reminiscent. “Grandpa took me to so many places, and I’m going to revisit them all with his ashes, like he’s along for the ride. Then I’ll head for Australia and scatter his remains.” Raya sets the picture on the sideboard and releases her hair from her ponytail, retying it as she walks across to the fridge, seemingly unaware that I’m over here in turmoil. She collects a bottle of wine, then a glass from the cabinet. “Hope you don’t mind.”
“’Course not.” I could do with a drink myself.
“Want some?”
“No.” That would be stupid. Words, so many words, words that are a total jumble in my head, are swirling around. I shouldn’t add alcohol to the mix. Not here. “I really should be going.” I start to back out of the kitchen. “I’ll, umm…be in touch about any more viewings.”
“Can you not scare them away again, please?”
“No, I wouldn’t want to delay your plans to leave the country.” I frown to myself.
“Well,” she says quietly, taking a sip of her wine. “There’s nothing here for me anymore.”
What if there is? I turn, disturbed by my private question, and leave Raya, the walls closing in around me.
As soon as I’m outside, I breathe in some sense, try to straighten out my mind as I walk on shaky legs to my car. Fuck me, I feel like I’ve been physically winded.
Chapter 9
Australia?” Sam parrots after I’ve spent half an hour giving them all the details. He nods, like he’s agreeable, and slurps his beer. “It’s an amazing place to live.”