“Ack!” I cried, trying to roll as far away from him as I could. “Why! Why would you do that!”
“I’m old,” Randall muttered. “I’m allowed to do whatever I wish, even if that means not wearing underpants. They are restricting.”
“I’m not a size queen, but hello Randall.”
“Kevin! Not the time!”
“It’s never the time.”
“Yes, but now is so not the time.”
“Oh, well. When you put it that way. Oh look! The King! Hullo, King.”
“Kevin,” the King said, accepting the dragon’s assistance in rising to his feet. “How lovely it is to see your face again.”
“It’s a good face, if I do say so myself.”
“One of the best,” the King agreed. “Now, if we could—”
But whatever else he planned to say was drowned out by cries of joy that poured through the gates as they opened. The people of Camp HaveHeart had seen their King standing before them in one piece, and their emotions overflowed. Almost immediately we were surrounded, people shouting and crying and laughing, reaching in and trying to touch the King’s hands and arms and chest. He took it all with a smile, greeting as many of them as possible, shaking hands and kissing cheeks. Lady Tina, Ryan, and Justin stood at his side, the former two with their weapons drawn and the latter seemingly unwilling to leave his father’s side. I didn’t blame him. I was having a hard time not rushing over to him myself.
But before I could even think of pushing through the crowd, there was a loud, unearthly shriek from behind me, and I was gathered up in large arms and held against a considerable chest as a unicorn wailed against my neck, telling me in no uncertain terms that I was not allowed to leave them again, that if I even attempted it, my intestines would be pulled from my body, wrapped around a tree, and I would be forced to walk away from said tree at a slow pace while my guts were pulled from my body.
“So graphic,” I managed to say as Tiggy squeezed me even tighter.
“You’re damn right it’s graphic,” Gary cried. “Do you know how much stress you cause me? I swear to the gods, Sam, that if I get a gray hair because of you, I am going to castrate you and feed your testicles to homeless children. Do you understand me?”
“Whoa,” I said. “That was… okay. That might have been a little much.”
Gary’s eyes dried instantly. “You know, as soon as I said it, I wondered if I’d gone too far. I suppose there are ways to get my point across without threatening to feed your cut-off penis to poor little orphans. I mean, the castrating thing still holds, but maybe next time I can say I’ll feed it to adult homeless orphans.”
I patted his nose. “I missed you too.”
Tiggy kissed the top of my head. “All right?”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “Except for the whole having to whore myself out to a group of ruffians, coming face-to-face with the traitor who stabbed my boo, and then getting sucked through Randall’s magic hole after a supervillain was about to monologue.”
“So, a normal Tuesday, then,” Gary said.
“It’s only Tuesday? Ugh. Worst. Week. Ever.”
“What are you talking about?” Kevin asked as he made his way over. “Is it me? If so, you may continue. Especially if it’s nice. I do like it when people say nice things about me.”
But before we could assure him that we were most certainly not talking about him, I was jerked down from Tiggy’s arms and into my parents’, and it felt almost as good as it had when I’d stumbled out of the Dark Woods and found my way home.
THE KING was whisked away almost immediately after I’d changed the rescue party back to normal (even Lady Tina), taken to Justin’s tent so that he could be fed and cleaned up while Justin filled him in on what he’d missed. Ryan looked conflicted, glancing between the two of us, but I waved him off, knowing that for the moment, his oath to the King came first. He kissed me on the cheek, then promised to bathe and find me later so we could try to get some sleep.
Lady Tina met with the Foxy Lady Brigade, barking orders that the defenses around the camp needed to be triple-checked in case of a retaliation from the Dark wizards. I didn’t have the strength to tell them that I believed Myrin wouldn’t do a thing, at least not for the moment. He wasn’t one to lash out in anger, not when there were so many unknown variables.
Gary and Tiggy demanded I immediately recount the tale of our adventure, seeing as they’d been left behind. Kevin had known bits and pieces, as he was connected to me in ways the others were not, but I filled in the blanks as best I could. By the time I got to the part about Ruv, a large crowd had gathered around us, all hushed and wan, but it was an outlier who’d caught my eye, someone standing at the edge of the crowd.
I met Vadoma’s gaze as I spoke of Ruv, and for once, she was the first to look away.
I didn’t know how I felt about that.
Terry stood awkwardly off to the side, pretending not to listen, even though I knew he was. I was about to beg off and let Gary, Tiggy, and Kevin lead me home when a gnarled hand fell on my shoulder, the grip strong and unyielding.
“I need to have a word with Sam,” Randall said ominously.
“Hi, Randall,” Gary said. “Nice to see you, Randall. Thanks for the postcard you sent, Randall.” He sniffed loudly, nostrils flaring. He looked disappointed, but covered it quickly. I didn’t know what Randall had planned, but I wasn’t going to let him keep Gary’s horn a secret for long.
“He sent postcard?” Tiggy asked.
“No, kitten. He didn’t. That was me being facetious, seeing as how he disappeared without a trace, much like our bitch here.”
Tiggy grinned at me. “You my bitch.”
“I know,” I said tiredly, hoping against hope that Randall would suddenly forget who and where he was so that I could slip away and avoid whatever conversation was coming my way. I didn’t expect it to be anything good.
“Are you going to murder him?” Gary asked Randall.
“Not today,” Randall said.
“Good.” And then, “It’s really good to see you again.”
And wonder of all wonders, Randall smiled. Or he might have had gas. I couldn’t be sure. “Thank you, Gary. Tiggy. I am glad to see you both well. And Gary, we’ll talk later. I promise.”
“About—”
“Yes. About.”
“Hmm. I’ll allow it. And now that that’s out of the way, Tiggy, Kevin. Let’s go see if we can get the King to promise a reward from the treasury once it’s returned to him for our unparalleled valor. I expect to be rewarded handsomely, given that I am the bravest unicorn in all the land. Did you hear that, Terry? The bravest unicorn in all the land.”
They left us, Terry bringing up the rear, muttering what I assumed were threats upon Gary’s person under his breath.
“Any chance we can postpone this?” I asked hopefully. “Like say maybe sometime next year? Or possibly never?”
“Sure.”
“Really?”
“No.”
“Godsdammit. I’ll have you know that we are wasting valuable time when I could be macking on my man, seeing as how we haven’t really gotten any alone time since I came back.”
“My heart weeps for you.”
I highly doubted that. For starters, he’d have to have a heart.
HE SAID, “The Grimoires. You have them?”
I hesitated, but that in itself was all the answer he needed.
“Bring them, if you please.”
I didn’t argue. There wouldn’t have been a point.