“Gary,” Tiggy said, “what about the others?”
“Yeah, you should just stick your face in there and pull my muffins out of the oven before they—oh shoot. The others.” He stepped away from Kevin. “Thank you for reminding me, kitten. I lost my head there for a moment.”
“But,” Kevin whimpered, “what about my muffins.”
“I’m still angry with you,” Gary said, tossing his mane like a godsdamn diva. “And I shall not forgive you, no matter how enticing I find you and how much you make my thighs quiver. You are on my shit list. In fact, you are covered in my shit list. You are a pile of shit on a list that I own.”
“I could have done without that description,” I said to no one in particular.
“And don’t think I’ve forgotten about you,” Gary said, eyes blazing.
“But we cried together,” I sputtered. “That’s how we know everything is okay!”
“Okay?” He sounded outraged. “You disappeared and took my ex-husband, who I was separated from but was considering a trial reconciliation with. How in the world is any of that okay?”
“We hugged, though.”
“Yes, we did. And you’re welcome for that. You must have really enjoyed being so close to me. But just because we hugged doesn’t mean I have decided whether or not to skin your flesh from your bones as of yet and wear it as a Sam suit to frighten all the children away.”
“So graphic,” I breathed.
“Indeed.”
“I get to wear your face,” Tiggy said, kissing my forehead. “Sam mask.”
“You would look so cool wearing my face,” I assured him. “And what others? Is it Ryan and Justin?” I gulped audibly. “Aren’t they with you?”
“They’re coming along shortly,” Gary said. “Ryan woke us all up in the middle of the night, saying he’d had a dream you were back in Camp HaveHeart and that he thought it was real, so Tiggy and I took off running, leaving them behind because we get to have the first We Hate You Reunion—and yes, that was capitalized, because it’s motherfucking true—since we are your oldest and dearest friends. Ryan and Justin remained behind, yelling after us for some reason I didn’t have time to think about.”
I cocked my head at him. “Maybe because you left them behind?”
“Oh. Right. Yeah. Huh. How about that. I guess I was just too much in a hurry to get here and yell at you because I hate you.”
“You don’t hate me.”
“Little bit.”
“Where were you, anyways? I was told you were on a mission—”
His eyes narrowed. “Who told you that?”
“Katya and Brant.”
“Ah yes,” Gary said. “Those two. Obvious ancillary characters who served no real purpose other than to reintroduce a dashing hero and will probably never be mentioned again.”
“Probably,” I agreed. “But they were nice people. And thank you for the dashing hero comment. I concur completely.”
“It was a figure of speech that doesn’t necessarily describe my feelings for you, you strange whore. And yes, they’re the nicest. How did you meet them? They were supposed to be infiltrating a Dark post.”
“We found them in the forest cornered by Caleb and some other Darks. I rescued them and—”
“Did you murder his entire existence?” Gary demanded.
I shrugged. “Nah. I used him to send Myrin a message that I was back and badass and stuff. Did this whole magic thing that was really impressive, if I do say so myself.”
“Well,” Gary said. “Not the direction I would have gone, but okay. I’ll allow it.”
“Also, I wore my hood while kicking their collective asses and didn’t reveal my identity until the end.”
“You bitch. How dare you try to upstage me with theatrics. I hate you.”
I grinned at him, face feeling a little tight. “Dude, I love you.”
“Obviously. I am the light of your life, as I should be.” He paused, then shook his head. “Just… don’t. Ever again, you understand me? We can’t—” He coughed and looked away. “We can’t be without you. Not that I need you or anything. I am a strong, independent unicorn who don’t need no mens, and I will not take your shit. Is that clear?”
“Crystal.”
“Good. Okay! All is forgiven.”
I blinked. “Really? That… huh. That was easier than I thought.”
His nostrils flared dangerously. “Would you like me to rethink that decision?”
“Nope,” I said hastily. “I’m totally in agreement.”
“Hurray!” Kevin said. “I have never felt more jubilant than I do right now—”
“Not you,” Gary snarled, whirling back on the dragon. “You are still going to face my wrath when you least expect it.”
“You forgave Sam!”
“Of course I didn’t. I just said that to lull him into a false sense of security so that one day, when I come for him, he won’t be expecting me—I mean, yes, yes, I did forgive him. He’s my best friend and I love him so.” His eyes shifted side to side. Shiftily.
“Oh no,” I whispered. “My life is over.”
He smiled sweetly. “The moment you stepped foot back into Camp HaveHeart.”
“Should have waited for Justin and Knight Delicious Face?” Tiggy asked.
“Not at all,” Gary told him. “They have legs. We’re not their bitches. If they want to see Sam so bad, they can run here just like we did. And gods help them if they didn’t bring my luggage back. I will fuck their shit up.”
“I’m so dead,” I whispered.
CAMP HAVEHEART was awake and moving when we walked out the destroyed barn door, a crowd having gathered but quickly dispersing like they wanted us to think they hadn’t been listening in on every word. Mom and Dad were waiting for us on their porch, Vadoma seated next to them, her pipe between her lips. My parents looked relieved as we all walked out side by side, as if they expected missing limbs and kicked-in teeth. Which, to be fair, I’d expected too. Mom said something I couldn’t make out to Vadoma, but whatever it was, Vadoma just shook her head. Mom sighed and then pulled my father to fall in step beside us.
“Josh-pop,” Tiggy said, picking up my father and setting him on his shoulder. “Hi! I miss you. My brooms okay?”
“You don’t have to carry me,” Dad grumbled. “What if all the knights see?” Tiggy made to set him down, but Dad wasn’t fooling anyone when he pushed Tiggy’s hand away. “Your brooms are all accounted for. I made sure.”
“Good Josh-pop,” Tiggy crooned.
Mom was petting Gary’s mane. “Did you give him the ol’ what for?”
“He was crying and everything,” Gary said haughtily. “It was so embarrassing for him. Snot just dripping from his nose.”
“Hey! You cried too! Remember the whole bukkake thing?”
Gary stared at me. “Sam, how dare you speak like that in front of your dear, sweet mother. Honestly, Rosemary, I don’t know where he gets such things from. Obviously too much time was spent in the forest. I will correct that immediately. You can count on that.”
“Stupid fucking best friends,” I muttered. “I love you so godsdamn much.”
“Good,” Mom said to Gary. “And Kevin?”
“The bakery is closed for the foreseeable future,” Kevin said mournfully. “I can’t even get any biscotti.”
“Ew,” Mom, Dad, Tiggy, and I all said at the same time.
“The mission?” Dad asked from Tiggy’s shoulder.
“Unfortunately partially successful,” Gary grumbled. “But I told you they would be nothing but a pain in my ass. There was a reason I didn’t ask them for anything to begin with. I don’t like them that much.”
“But if they can help you find your horn, then don’t you think it’s worth it?” Mom asked, pressing a kiss to the side of his head.
“You say that now.”
“Your horn?” I demanded. “You found it? Who’s coming here? What can they do? Why am I yelling?”
“No,” Gary said, “we haven’t found it yet. There’s no point.”
“Of course there is,” Mom said quietly. “And don’t try to convince us otherwise. If there is to be any hope, then we need you to find it. You know that. Everything counts now.”
Gary sighed. “I know.”
“Why isn’t anyone telling me what’s going on!”
“Like you told us when you were leaving?” Dad asked.