That sent a hot chill down my spine. “But how can I know what happens if I’m not there to see it—”
“Sam.”
“Right. Not the time.”
“I’m so angry with you.”
I bowed my head.
His hand dropped on my shoulder. His forehead pressed against the back of my neck, and I shuddered at the feel of him, the weight. He breathed me in as I trembled.
“But I’m still coming for you,” he whispered against my skin.
“I know.”
“Why won’t you look at me?”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Sam.”
“Please. Just—”
Lips scraped against my neck. “Stay. There.”
And then he was gone.
I was alone in a field under a sea of stars, the very ones I’d wished upon time and time again.
And he’d done the same, hadn’t he? Or so he said.
“Why?” I asked the blue lights that pulsed around me.
Because after all that you’ve done, Leslie whispered, you deserve to have a moment of happiness before we see this through to the end.
The road ahead is made of stone, Pat said, flitting around my head. And stone always crumbles. You must remember that. This was our gift to you. For all that you’ve done.
And then I—
I OPENED my eyes.
Weak morning sunlight filtered through the slats of the barn walls.
There was a blanket covering me, thick and warm, having been placed upon me by someone during the night. I thought it was probably my mother.
I sighed, trying to work through what Pat and Leslie had given me.
This wasn’t going to be the best day of my life.
Probably a lot of yelling.
And glitter.
Maybe even some smashing.
At least I would have my best friend 5eva. He would be on my side, I just knew it.
But even as the dread circled in the pit of my stomach, there was a sense of excitement. Because they were coming. And they were going to— A clamor took up outside.
People began shouting and rushing by the barn door.
Kevin snorted above me. “Whodat?” he muttered, blinking slowly. “Whuzzit?”
I pushed myself up onto my elbows, wincing at the kinks in my neck. “I don’t know. Something’s happening.”
Kevin’s tail twitched dangerously as he came awake. “Think Caleb delivered your message already?”
“I don’t know. I had a dream that—”
There was an explosion of noise, people laughing and cheering.
I blinked. “That’s good, right? I’m sure everything is just fine.”
“WHERE THE FUCK ARE THOSE BITCHASS MOTHERFUCKERS? I’M GOING TO SKIN THEM ALIVE, THEN EAT THEIR REMAINS, THEN SHIT THEM OUT SO THEY ARE STEAMING PILES OF MY CRAP, I SWEAR TO THE MOTHERFUCKING GODS! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY, YOU TWO-LEGGED DONKEYS! I HAVE DEATH TO DEAL TO A PAIR OF GODSDAMN IDIOTS!”
“Everything is not fine,” I said weakly.
“Gary,” Kevin breathed.
I struggled to stand. “Run, oh my gods, we have to run. Get up, get up.”
“But—but you know how I feel about angry sex!”
“And I don’t know why I have to know that, but he is going to murder us.”
“I’m going to stay and take it like a dragon.”
“Fuck you, fuck them, fuck this whole place, I’m out.”
He snagged me by my shirt collar as I tried to run past him.
But it didn’t matter by then.
It was already too late.
“TIGGY! SMASH THAT DOOR RIGHT NOW!”
“But that our door.”
“What? I know that. But it has offended me by concealing from me those who will have my rage thrust upon them.”
“It a good door.”
“Well, yes. It is a good door. A fine door, even. But how will they take us seriously if we don’t come in all dramatically?”
“Oh. Right. Tiggy smash?”
“Yes, kitten. Smash away. And do it like you mean it. Make me believe you want to destroy it and them.”
“Okay.” Then, “TIGGY SMASH!”
I had to admit, he really sold it.
The barn door exploded.
Chapter 4: Reunited and It Feels So Good
WHEN ONE has a hornless gay unicorn as a best friend, one tends to know certain things as fact:
First, unicorns are not as pristine as one might think. They tend to be whores and will sleep with most everything that moves. They can be in monogamous relationships, but it’s a rarity. Usually, if they have a partner, they will tend to still participate in threesomes or foursomes or twenty-sevensomes.
Second, you do not fuck with a unicorn, because they will cut a bitch. They are capable of a uniquely terrifying rage that usually begins to reveal itself in the form of glitter secretion. No one knows where the glitter comes from, but when a unicorn starts to sparkle, it’s probably a good idea to run in the opposite direction, because you are undoubtedly about to get horribly murdered in a way that will be painful and drawn-out.
Third, unicorns formed extraordinary bonds with those they deem worthy. If you are able to gain a unicorn’s trust, it’s usually for life. And even if they give you shit every day and make fun of you and talk behind your back, it means that they love you more than almost anything in the world. They show it by damaging your self-esteem.
Fourth, if you have an extraordinary bond with a unicorn and said unicorn happens to be your best friend whom you left in the middle of the night almost a year ago without leaving them a letter specifically addressed to them, they will come barging in through the gates of whatever town you’re staying in, screaming about murder and death and how if they had their horn, Camp HaveHeart would be renamed Gore City, because there was going to be Gore City up in here, you get me, you pasty-ass motherfucking dick lickers?
But what makes it even worse is when said unicorn best friend is coupled with another best friend who happens to be a half-giant.
They feed off each other.
Giants (and therefore half-giants) get a bad rap. They’re considered brutish and violent and oh so stupid, and maybe there is some truth in that. They speak mostly in grunts and are prone to using their fists more than their words. And yes, there was a battle nine hundred years ago in which a tribe of giants tried to take over Verania in the Battle of Squished Innards where many people died after getting smashed, but that was in the past. These days, they stayed beyond the Northern Mountains and no one bothered them, and that was that.
Tiggy, of course, being the exception.
Tiggy, for all his clipped speech and love for brooms, was most certainly not a stereotypical giant. People underestimated him, thinking he was slow and thoughtless, incapable of actual human feelings. But of course, they were wrong, because Tiggy probably had the biggest heart of us all and was smarter than most everyone I knew. He was very protective of the people he loved the most, and usually destroyed any obstacles in his way to get to them.
Hence the barn door, which exploded inward, sending shards of wood flying around the room in an impressively dramatic display. Say what you will about Gary and Tiggy, but they knew how to make an entrance. I loved them with everything I had.
But that didn’t mean I wanted to die. “Hide me!” I squeaked to Kevin. “Oh my gods, you have to hide me. Swallow me whole and then throw me back up later after it’s safe! Okay, wait. That sounds disgusting. Don’t do that. Just my luck, I’d cause your acid reflux to act up, and we all know how that turns out.”
“We are so dead,” Kevin groaned, eyes wide. “There is going to be nothing left of us to bury. Do you think they would show us mercy if I tied you up and flogged you in front of them? Yes, I think they will. Let’s do that. Your safeword is meatloaf.”
“Sam of Wilds!” an ominous voice intoned through the thick dust. “Prepare to meet your doom.”
“Not my doom! You know how I feel about my doom.”
“Yes. I do. Which is why I said it, you little skank.”
“Oh. Right. Continue.”