“Ryan,” I croaked out, and I took a step forward to—
Lady Tina beat me to him. She pushed past me, marching forward, and stood at attention in front of him as if she were one of his knights. Ryan glanced at her before looking back at me with that intense gaze of his, as if he thought there was a chance I’d disappear.
“Knight Commander,” Lady Tina said, a hint of a purr in her voice. “Welcome back to Camp HaveHeart. I’m pleased to see the mission was successful. If you’d like, I can provide you with a detailed report of day-to-day activities that occurred in your absence.”
He looked a little startled at that, glancing back at her again. “I would hear it, and I’m sure it would be as… comprehensive as always, but there are matters of pressing importance that I must attend to first.”
Lady Tina stiffened just a little, and I was barely able to hold back my crow of victory, because I was the matter of pressing importance, and I was going to press him against so many things.
If he let me, that is.
“I understand,” Lady Tina said slowly as if she didn’t understand it in the slightest. “I suppose I can give my report to Prince Justin.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said, once again distracted by me. “That sounds… good.”
“Ooh,” one of the Foxy Ladies breathed as the others started to titter. “I think I’m starting to quiver. You know. Down there.”
Lady Tina glared back at them, and they fell silent immediately.
She stepped aside.
Ryan took a step toward me as he sheathed his sword.
“Knight Commander,” Terry said, and I thought I would be capable of murdering the next fucking thing that interrupted us. “Or should I call you Ryan now? I mean, we are close after letting you on my back, after all. Ryan. Yes. I think I shall call you Ryan. Anyway. Ryan, since I am a guest at your camp, I would like to—”
“Would you shut your fat mouth?” Gary hissed at him. “You’re interrupting the reunion I’ve written fan fiction for. This has been almost a year in the making. I swear to the gods, Terry, if you ruin this for me, I will kick you in the fucking uvula.”
Terry snorted daintily. The sparks were chartreuse. “Like you could even find my uvula. You don’t even know what a uvula is.” His voice was deeper than Gary’s. It was really rather dreamy. For a unicorn.
“Well… okay. That’s true. I don’t. It sounds disgusting. But I won’t stop until I find it, even if that means I need to trample all over your stupid body, so help me.”
“In your throat,” Tiggy whispered. “Dangly.”
“Thank you, kitten, I don’t know what I’d do—annnnd Sam is glaring at me. I wish I could say I hadn’t missed that, but that would be a lie. He looks like a frustrated crack-addicted puppy. It’s so adorable, I feel the need to give him an intervention.”
“That’s Sam?” Terry asked, peering over at me. “The fearsome wizard who will save us all? How… underwhelming.”
“Terry,” Ryan said, a warning clear in his voice. “Leave Sam alone.”
“Fine,” he sighed. “You know I would do anything for you.”
Ryan looked back at me. “When did you—”
“Just kiss already,” Deidre hissed. “I need to see it.”
“Please don’t get them started,” Justin said, sounding as dry as ever. He approached the gate, looking as perfect as always, dark brown curls falling artfully around his head. He was cool and aloof, and I knew he was trying desperately to keep from throwing himself at me, sobbing that I was never to leave him again. He was good at keeping his emotions underneath the cold exterior, but I could see right through him. “They’ll never stop, and it’s something I don’t want to have to witness until I’ve worked up to it.”
“Gary,” Kevin whispered.
“Yes, dragon who I haven’t decided if I’ve forgiven yet?”
“What are your feelings on having sex with twins?”
“Well, I don’t suppose I’ve given it much thought. I mean, if there were two of you—wait a godsdamn minute.”
“You’ve talked about me with your brother?” I asked Gary, feeling strangely touched.
“Nothing nice,” Gary said savagely. “Because you do stupid things like leave me behind. In fact, I doubt I’ve ever complimented anything about you when talking to him.”
“Oh please,” Terry said, rolling his beautiful eyes. “If I didn’t know any better, I would have assumed you wanted to mount him.”
“I can’t believe this is real,” I whispered feverishly. “I’m so happy. Not about the mounting, of course, but everything else. Oh, and once, just once, I’d like to meet a magical creature whose name is something like Volos or Fraenier.”
“You know a dragon named Zero Ravyn Moonfire,” Gary pointed out. “And also, your name is Sam. That’s super boring, just like everything else about you, you little fuck.”
“I will punch your friggin’ face off,” I warned him. “Come at me, bro. You mess with the bull, you’re gonna get the horn.”
Gary gasped. “How dare you make fun of the fact that I don’t have my horn yet!” His eyes filled with tears. “As if I would ever do that to you.”
“We gonna cry again?” Tiggy asked, bottom lip trembling.
“No,” I said, throat thick. “We can’t cry. We don’t have time to—”
“Yes!” Gary wailed. “Sam goes away for a year, and then he comes back and makes fun of me!”
“You made fun of my eyebrows!”
“Because they’re hideous! What did you expect me to do?”
“That’s just mean—okay, time out.”
Gary and Tiggy’s tears dried immediately.
“Okay,” I said. “New rule. Can we agree that if one of us has to go live in the forest for an extended period of time, the others can’t make fun of their appearance when they return? I mean, it’s not like there’s a lot of facilities in order to maintain our beautiful selves at the level we’re used to.”
“That’s true,” Gary said. “And also, it’s not as if you necessarily have control of how you look. It’s like making fun of someone who is bald. Why would you do that? It’s not fair, because they can’t control their hair loss.”
“I just like all people,” Tiggy said.
“Okay, we agree we can’t make fun of the way another looks after they go into the Dark Woods for a long time and come back out with unruly eyebrows—”
“And oily-looking skin,” Gary added. “And rambunctious nose hairs. And—”
“Thank you, Gary,” I said through gritted teeth. “Those things, and we also can’t make fun of balding people, because that’s just mean. Agreed?”
“Aye,” Tiggy and Gary said.
“The ayes have it, then,” I said. “Rule number one thousand, eight hundred, and forty-seven of the Sam/Gary/Tiggy Friendship has been—”
“Everyone leave!” Ryan Foxheart barked, sending shivers through me. This was the Knight Commander I knew. “If anyone bothers Sam or myself for the next hour, there will be consequences.”
The crowd didn’t even hesitate as they dispersed, Gary and Tiggy immediately stopping their tears as they glanced between Ryan and me.
“What’s happening?” Tiggy whispered to Gary.
“Someone’s butt is gonna get reamed.”
“Good way or bad way?”
“Could be both, kitten. Could be both. Now, come on. You can help me ignore Kevin and also try and ditch my brother. We’ll pretend we have an important meeting to attend to, but in actuality, the time will be spent with you telling me how pretty I am while feeding me freshly peeled grapes. And when I say peeled, I mean peeled. A plague upon your head if there is any skin left, you understand?”
“I like my brooms.”
“Yes, yes, I know, you gigantic weirdo whom I love desperately.”
I didn’t see them leave, as I only had eyes for Ryan Foxheart, my stomach flip-flopping nervously.
“Are you sure?” Terry asked Ryan in a low voice. “I can stay here with you if you think you’ll need me.”
“I won’t,” Ryan said.