“In whose name?”
“In the name of the King of Verania, the Prince of Verania, of Morgan of Shadows, of Randall, and of Sam of Wilds!”
My eyes bulged.
“And when will we stop?”
“Never!” they bawled.
“At rest!”
They stood, feet apart, elbows bent, hands clasped behind them. Tina stood in front of each of them, one at a time, like she was inspecting them. She would fix a collar or straighten a scabbard, muttering words I couldn’t quite make out. The ladies didn’t react, eyes straight forward, barely even blinking.
Once she’d finished with the last one, Lady Tina DeSilva turned to me. She had a determined expression on her face. The crowd behind her had gathered in the hundreds, and it seemed as if all of them were holding their breaths, waiting to see what was going to happen next.
I almost felt bad that I was going to explode her in front of everyone.
“Sam of Wilds,” Lady Tina said, voice even. “How lovely it is to see you again.”
“I’m sure it is,” I said, just as smooth. “I wish I could say the same. So I will. How lovely it must be for you to see me again.”
The skin under her left eye twitched. “We have been awaiting your return with something akin to antici… pation.”
“Really,” I said. “I had understood that those that experience anticipation are capable of such things because they have a soul. Tell me, Lady Tina. How is it that you can anticipate anything when you are nothing but an empty husk of a human shell?”
“Ooh,” the crowd said.
“I’ve been waiting all year for this moment!” someone cried rather hysterically. “So far I’m not disappointed!”
Now the skin under her right eye was twitching too. “You’ve been gone a long time, Sam of Wilds. Things have changed.”
“Right, I noticed. Especially here at what used to be called the Port. What has it been renamed to? Katya! Oh dearest Katya. What did you say this place was called?”
“Camp HaveHeart,” she supplied helpfully. I liked her.
“That’s right,” I crowed. “Camp HaveHeart. Lady Tina, what was your opinion on HaveHeart again? I seem to have forgotten.”
She was grinding her teeth together. “It is a stable and loving relationship that should be looked upon with reverence.”
“Aha! See? She is nothing but wicked and—wait. What.”
“I love HaveHeart,” she said, and suddenly she stopped twitching altogether and began to smile. It was a terrible thing, filled with a candy-sweet malice that I was sure no one could see but me. “In fact, one could say I’m the biggest HaveHeart fan there is.”
I sputtered a little.
Her smile widened.
“You she-witch,” I growled, taking a step toward her. “I know what you’re doing. Mark my words, you shall face my wrath.”
“But, Sam,” Lady Tina said, voice sticky sweet, “I don’t know what our Prince and Knight Commander would do without me. I am their second, after all.”
“Ahh,” the crowd said.
We were now almost toe to toe.
She smelled like flowery perfume.
And evil.
“I don’t know your game here,” I snarled at her quietly. “But trust me when I say I’ll figure it out. And when I do, you shall rue the day you set eyes upon me. You hear me? So. Much. Ruing.”
“Oh, Sam,” she said, eyes blazing. “There is no game. I’ve changed. I’m a different person now, one who has seen the error of her ways. You haven’t been around to see my transformation. Where I was once a beautiful caterpillar, I have now been transformed into a magnificent butterfly capable of dealing death.”
“Well, I’m a—wait. Hold on. Butterflies can’t kill people. That’s just stupid. You’re dumb. Everything about you is dumb.”
“Oh my gods,” a woman in the crowd moaned. “The sexual tension is so palpable. Why can’t they just kiss already? SilvaHeart for life!”
“Ew,” Tina and I both said at the same time.
“Like I would ever,” I snapped.
“Have you seen him?” she growled. “He’s so… not attractive. And at least I seem to the only one out of the two of us to understand basic hygiene.”
“I told you I’ve been living in the woods. In a hut.”
“Ooh, bully for you. The great Sam of Wilds has—”
“Sam of Dragons, actually.”
The crowd gasped dramatically.
“Still not disappointed!” that first voice called out again. “In fact, I am so far from disappointed, it’s ridiculous!”
Tina’s expression faltered as she took a step back. There was a flicker of fear on her face, and I relished it.
“Oh, you hadn’t heard,” I said. “Funny, that.” I puffed out my chest and jutted my chin. “I was tasked by the gods with a destiny. I have met that task with no complaints—”
“Well, that’s certainly not true in the slightest,” Kevin said mildly.
“—with no complaints, and have collected the dragons of Verania. And as I entered—”
“Of which I am one!” Kevin proclaimed. “Lord Dragon has returned. You may bestoweth upon me all of your possessions in gratitude. So spaketh the Beast from the East. Eth!”
“Would you stop interrupting me? I’m trying to be cool here.”
“Key word trying,” Kevin muttered under his breath.
“What was that?”
“Nothing, nothing. Keep going. You’re really doing well.”
“Thank you.”
“For an insignificant speck of dust.”
“Hey!”
“Someone has to keep your ego in check.”
“Dammit, now I forgot what I was saying.”
“You were trying to be cool.”
“Right. Right. I went into the woods as Sam of Wilds, a wizard’s apprentice. And now I have returned as Sam of Dragons, a wizard!” I frowned. “Without the apprentice part, in case that wasn’t clear. Like, full-on wizard now. It’s all Wizard City up in this bitch.”
Someone started to slow-clap in the audience. A few people followed.
“I’m not done. You can’t just slow-clap to start applause before I finish! Gods, do you not understand the etiquette of the slow clap?”
“My bad!”
“Thank you. Okay. So. I’m a wizard. Here to kick some ass and take some names. Spread the word far and wide! Sam of Dragons has returned!” I smiled and waited.
Silence.
“Dude, now is a good time to start that slow clap.”
“Oh, sorry.” He started slow-clapping again. Probably six other people joined in.
“We should go back into the woods,” I muttered.
“We can always—”
Todd burst out of the crowd, stumbling to a stop, feet skidding in the dirt. He fumbled with his spear and almost ending up stabbing himself through the chest. It really was rather adorable when his ears turned a bit pink at the tips.
“Holy jeez,” he said, breathing heavily. “You came back!”
“Uh, yes? Was there any doubt?”
He stared at me incredulously. “Sam, no one knew where you’d gone. Everyone thought you ran away!”
“What? I didn’t run away.” I glared at the crowd. “I went on a quest. To be awesome. And guess what? It worked.”
“It did?” he asked dubiously. “Because you look like the homeless guy who kept coming into my dad’s hotel to urinate in the fountain.”
“Wow. That is not the look I was going for. I don’t know if I think your ears are endearing anymore.”
“Is he hitting on Todd?” Nicole whispered to Crissy. “What would their ship name be? I need to know so I can ship them if they start licking each other.”
Crissy frowned. “Well, I don’t know Todd’s last name, so shipping etiquette says that we have to combine both their first names. So. Sam. Todd. That would be… Sadd. Their ship name is Sadd.”
“That’s depressing,” Courtney said. “I can’t imagine masturbating to Sadd.”
“Courtney!” Lady Tina barked. “Put your slut away right now.”
“Well, it’s true,” Courtney muttered.
“I’ve never even masturbated,” Deirdre cried. “My grandmother told me I would get hair on my palms and I could get stuck in there and die!”
An awkward silence followed while everyone shuffled their feet.
Then, “You have come to save us?” Todd asked, sounding hopeful.
I shrugged. “I guess.”
Todd blinked. “That’s… not as life-affirming as I expected it to be.”