“Huh,” Kevin said, looking down at it. “I do believe someone just tried to kill me. Permission to destroy everything?”
“Permission denied. For now. Wait until we get closer to see who did it. If it was Lady Tina, then you have my permission. If it wasn’t, we’ll renegotiate depending on who it was. I have a feeling I dislike many people here already.”
“Understood. Also, you are very sexy when you take charge.”
“Fuck off.”
“Copy that.”
Katya and Brant were shouting something up at the guards, but I wasn’t paying any mind, because I thought I recognized one of the men standing above us. He was wearing an ill-fitting uniform and clutching a spear like his life depended on it, his ears sticking out adorably. I knew those ears.
“Todd?”
“Sam?” he squeaked, staring down at me, eyes wide. “Holy shit, is that Sam of Wilds?”
Everyone fell silent almost immediately.
I grinned up at him. “Dude! Look at you! Being all manly and awesome. Have you stabbed anyone with that thing?”
“Of course not!”
“Oh. Wow. That’s… strangely disappointing.”
“Where the hell have you been!”
I cocked my head. “In the woods. With this guy.”
Kevin grinned at him. He had many, many teeth.
The guards didn’t seem to like that very much.
“How do we know you’re the real Sam of Wilds?” a man next to Todd shouted down. “You could be a fake! And that dragon could be… fake. Also.”
“Todd knows I’m not a fake,” I said, winking at him. “Don’t you, Todd?”
He sputtered. His ears turned a little red. I wanted to pinch them.
“Still as charming as ever,” I said.
“Are you—are you flirting with me?”
“What? No! I mean, I’ve got my boo and all. But if he’s left me for Justin or some other floozy—not that Justin is a floozy or anything, because best friend 5eva—but if he’s left me for my best friend 5eva, then I will probably break down emotionally and need someone to lean on, and in a moment of weakness, we might accidentally have pity sex that we’ll both regret. The next morning we’ll wake up and I’ll offer to make you pancakes, even though I want nothing more than for you to leave and you’ll say, ‘Sure, I love pancakes!’ because you won’t get the hint. And then I’ll say, ‘I’m not making you pancakes, get out.’ And then years down the road, we’ll pass each other on the street and wave awkwardly at each other and you’ll think about how awesome my deep-throating skills are and I’ll think about how I’m late for an important business meeting—because apparently I have business meetings in this weird fantasy of yours—and then we’ll go our separate ways.”
Everyone was staring at me.
“Sorry,” I said hastily. “I haven’t had a lot of human interaction in a very long time. I’m a little rusty. I also might have forgotten about societal norms. Do we make sexually aggressive remarks now, or is that just a dragon thing?”
“I’ve trained him so well,” Kevin said fondly.
“That’s Sam of Wilds,” Todd sighed. “I would know that nonsense anywhere.”
“Ooh, acting familiar, are we? Todd, you saucy minx—oh look, the gates are opening. About damn time.”
And they were. With a great groan, the gates parted to reveal—
A group of heavily armed women.
All of whom squealed when they saw me.
Well, most of them did.
And I would have recognized them anywhere. Especially since I had infiltrated thirty-two of their meetings dressed as a bearded man named Mervin.
Deirdre.
Wanda.
Mary.
Crissy.
Nicole.
Courtney.
Griselda.
The ladies of the Ryan Foxheart Fan Club Castle Lockes Chapter.
And at their center, the only nonsquealing one of them, stood Lady Tina DeSilva, dressed as if she were some kind of warrior princess, sword gripped firmly in her hand, her blonde hair curled in ringlets.
She narrowed her eyes at the sight of me.
“Vengeance,” I hissed.
II: The Port
Chapter 3: Camp HaveHeart
BUT BEFORE I could smite her where she stood, Deirdre, who looked as tiny as she had the last time I’d seen her a couple of years ago, burst into tears. “Oh my g-g-gods,” she sobbed. “He’s h-h-here. I’m going to throw up all over everything.”
“There, there,” Mary said, patting her arm. “You know what happens when you get the crying vomits. You did that last week when the Knight Commander waved at you, remember? We don’t want to have to go through that again. It was a nightmare.”
“I’ve killed people,” Nicole breathed. “But the rush I feel right now makes that feel like nothing in comparison. Someone should hold me back before I launch myself at him and touch his mouth with my mouth and whisper things in his ear no proper lady should ever say aloud.”
“That might be the best idea ever,” Griselda said. “Sam did say he’s missed the touch of another human, and might do things to you that you’ve only dreamed about. Someone hold me back too before I test my theory all over his body.”
“Oh, you don’t even want to know my dreams,” Crissy said, flushing brightly. “My husband woke me up once and said that I was writhing as if I was in pain, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I was in the throes of a DP session with Sam and his mirror twin, Mas, because I don’t have any problems with twincest, if you know what I mean.”
“What the hell is DP?” Courtney demanded. “I want that too! My dreams are always so boring, with my four-ways with Sam and Ryan and Justin. Why can’t I have twincest DP?”
“It means double penetration,” Wanda said, leering at me in a way that I would not have expected from an older lady such as herself. “Stuffed like a turkey at the holidays.”
“I-I’m only f-f-fourteen,” Deirdre hiccupped. “I didn’t know y-you could stick it in more places!”
“Oh, that’s not even the half of it,” Nicole said. “You got your front door, your back door, your mouth, and your ears. Why, get three guys and two fairies, and you won’t even be able to breathe.” She frowned. “Well, you would, because of your nose, which you probably shouldn’t put anything in there, given that you would die.”
“Who are these glorious creatures?” Kevin whispered. “I want to hug them close and have them whisper their dirty secrets in my ear.”
“He looks so scruffy,” Crissy said, eyeing me up and down. “Like in that one real person fan fiction I wrote, remember? When he was attacked and had amnesia and became a bad boy who wore leather and Ryan had to make him fall in love with him all over again.”
“Is that the one where Ryan told him that Sam’s heart would show him the way home and that they would make new memories if he couldn’t recover the old?” Griselda asked, eyelids fluttering. “Because I swear to the gods, when you read that line, I was moist.”
“Okay,” Kevin said. “Maybe I don’t want to be friends with them now.”
“I’m not a girl,” Deirdre cried. “But I’m not yet a woman either. Why am I tingling?”
“Isn’t that a song lyric?” Wanda frowned. “From that singer that was cute, and then she went crazy, and then was not crazy and still manages to wear costumes that show off a body I will never have?”
“Probably,” Mary said. “But the kids these days listen to the strangest things.”
“Ladies!” Tina barked. “Attention!”
It was like she had flipped a switch. They snapped their feet together, spines rigid, arms at their sides, chins up. Even Deirdre managed to stop her sniffling, her face wet but eyes determined. Lady Tina stared at me for a moment longer before she turned to the others and walked in front of them, pacing side to side. A crowd began to gather behind them, eyes wide, their whispers sounding like wind over grass as the people pointed at Kevin and myself.
“Who are we?” Tina demanded.
“The Foxy Lady Brigade!” the women shouted back.
“And what is our main objective!”
“To preserve and protect the rights of the people of Verania!”
“And how do we do that?”
“By identifying threats against the Crown and its citizens, cataloguing their weaknesses, and then eliminating them.”
“And why do we do it?”
“Because we contribute to the safety of Verania.”