“I’ve called you a dozen times since he died,” Mika says. “And you never picked up. I know you didn’t want to talk to me. When I needed you. And yet you expect me to sit here and listen to this?”
Mika’s been calling me? I stare at my phone again, trying to remember when. It’s Sam’s calls, isn’t it? When I’m on the phone with him, nothing else comes through. That’s why I keep losing text messages, calls, and I don’t know what else. It’s like our connection is blocking me from everyone else. It’s keeping me from Mika, the person Sam asked me to make sure is okay. And I can’t even explain myself to her. “It’s my phone…” is all I can say. “Something’s wrong with it.”
What else am I supposed to say? How do I fix this without telling the truth?
“Maybe it’s time you go,” Mika says abruptly. She looks away, letting me know she doesn’t want to hear more. Like she’s about to get up, ending our conversation. I wish I could tell her everything. So she will understand why I’ve been acting the way I have, and know I haven’t let go of Sam because I never needed to. Because he never left me. But I don’t want to risk our connection. My hands clench and unclench as I hesitate on the couch, deciding … After all, Sam left it up to me, didn’t he? And there’s still a chance nothing bad will happen if I tell her. I can’t keep letting Mika think this way. I can see how much she’s hurting. I need to be there for her, like I promised him. I can’t let her go through this alone anymore. And I can’t lose her, too. I want to break down this wall that’s building between us. I don’t even know if she’s going to believe me, but I swallow my breath and tell her anyway.
“Mika, listen—” I take her hands before she gets up. “The reason I’m not getting your calls … or why I’m not grieving over Sam, is because we’re still connected. Me and Sam, I mean. He isn’t gone yet.”
“What are you talking about?”
“This is going to sound strange…” I start to explain, carefully choosing my next words. “But I can talk to Sam. On the phone. I can call him and he picks up.”
“Our Sam?”
“Yes.”
Mika gives me a look. “What do you mean, you can talk to him?”
“I mean, he answers me. Through the phone,” I say. “I can tell him something, and he responds. We’ve been talking for hours, almost every day, like old times again. And it’s really him, Mika. It isn’t anyone else, or some sort of prank. It’s Sam.” My heart pounds inside my chest. I don’t know what else to say.
Mika takes this in. “Are you sure about this?”
I lean forward, squeezing her hands. “I promise it is. It’s his voice, Mika. It’s him, it’s Sam. You have to trust me.”
Mika squeezes my hands back, nodding slowly. “I believe you. I’m trying to.”
I’ve been waiting so long to hear her say this. But there’s something in her voice that doesn’t give me the relief I expected. There’s something in her eyes that makes me second-guess myself.
“And when did you start talking to him?” she asks carefully.
“The week after he died.”
“Only through the phone?”
“It’s the only way to reach him.”
“Can you show me the calls?” she asks.
I hesitate. “I can’t do that…”
“Why not?”
“Because none of our calls show up on my phone,” I explain. “I still don’t really understand why. And we can’t text, either—only calls.”
Mika leans back, her face deep in thought. There’s a long silence. My chest tightens. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her.
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” I ask.
“Of course not,” she says. “Losing someone is a difficult thing for all of us, Julie. But, do you think there’s a chance this might be all in your head?”
“I considered that at the beginning. But it isn’t, Mika. It’s really Sam. It’s really him I’ve been talking to, I know it.”
Mika takes in a deep breath. Her voice softens. “Sam is dead, Julie. You remember that, don’t you? You know we buried him, right?”
“I know, I’m not saying he isn’t, but it’s hard to explain. It’s—” My voice gives out, because I don’t have the answers. “I know this doesn’t make sense, okay? But I need you to believe me.”
When Mika says nothing, I know she doesn’t. My head aches as the room starts to spin. I’m beginning to lose myself, too. There’s only one way to prove this. One thing that will explain everything. “Here, let me just call him…”
“Julie—” Mika starts.
But I’ve already made the call. And it’s ringing.