Whenever this feeling comes, I reach for Sam’s things, because they’re the only things that seem to make sense. His shirt on the back of the chair, the other bookend on my desk, the other things in my drawer—I still have everything. But his smell on them is beginning to fade, and I’m finding it harder to distinguish this bookend from the one I threw out.
I wish I could talk to someone else about this, or even show them his things, so they can tell me I’m not out of my mind. But Sam said it might harm our connection, and I’m scared to risk that—losing him all over again. I can’t stop thinking about it, though. About the chance that nothing bad would happen at all if I tell someone about our calls, but I don’t want to bring this up to Sam again. At least, not right now.
My phone buzzes. It’s a text from Oliver, telling me to meet him outside in fifteen minutes. A second message from him says, Don’t forget. I cannot be late to Spanish again. I get ready quickly, but when I come outside, he isn’t even here yet. I check my phone. There’s another message from him. Omw. Someone was walking their dog. Had to stop for a pic. He even sends me the photo.
For the past few days, Oliver and I have been walking to school together. His house is a couple blocks from mine, so he usually sends me his estimated time of arrival, which I’m learning is never accurate. We’ve been spending a lot more time together, talking about films and musicals and Sam. I can’t believe it took three years and both of us losing someone we loved to get to this point. We made plans to visit his grave again soon. I’m going to bring flowers next time. White blossoms. Oliver has become a rock during a time when it feels like everything is blowing away from me. It makes me feel guilty about keeping secrets from him, especially knowing how much he loved Sam, too. I wish there was something else I could do for him. It takes me a while, but I finally think of something. A gesture to commemorate our new friendship.
Oliver tugs the straps of his backpack. “Ready to go?”
“One second,” I call from inside the house.
The front door is propped open. Oliver sticks his head in. “We’re gonna be late!”
“That’s because you stopped to take photos with a dog.”
“It was a beagle. His name was Arthur.”
A few seconds later, I’m outside, holding something behind my back.
There’s a pause between us.
Oliver arches a brow. “What do you have there?”
“Something I want to give you.”
“For what?”
“Just because.”
“Give it.”
I hand it over. Oliver blinks at me. “This is … Sam’s shirt…”
“Yes. And I want you to have it.”
“Why?”
“It doesn’t fit me. And I figure it’ll look better on you.”
Oliver stares at the shirt for a long time. “I don’t think I can take this,” he says.
“What do you mean? Of course you can.”
He hands it back to me. “No, I can’t.”
I push his hands away. “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s only a shirt.”
“It’s Sam’s shirt.”
“And I’m giving it to you.”
“I’m not taking this—” Oliver tries forcing the shirt back in my hands, but I push it away again. We do this back-and-forth game until I’m annoyed.
I slap his wrist. “Why are you being like this?”
Oliver sighs. “Because Sam obviously wanted you to have it,” he says. “Not me.”
“You don’t know that. So just take it, okay?”
Oliver stares at me, and then back at the shirt. “I don’t get it. Don’t you want to keep it?”
“I have plenty of his things. Don’t worry.”
Oliver runs a hand over the shirt. Then he holds it tight. “Thank you.”
I smile at him. “Just don’t lose it, okay?”
“You know I won’t.”
I slide my backpack on and head down the steps, ready to go. For some reason, Oliver remains on the porch, unmoving.
“What’s the matter?” I ask. “Not changing your mind, are you?”
“No,” he says, sliding off his letterman’s jacket. “I feel like I should give you something now.” He steps off the porch, and places it over my shoulders.
“You’re giving me your letterman’s jacket?”
“I’m letting you borrow it. Until graduation.”
“I’m honored.”
We begin our walk to school. There’s a slight chill this morning, so the jacket feels nice around me.
“Remind me, Oliver, what sport did you play again?”
“I never played one,” he says. “I bought it off a senior who graduated last year.”
“So it’s all for looks?”
“Precisely.”
“I admire that.”
I nudge him on the shoulder and we both laugh.
* * *