The server dropped off their lattes. Mia curled her hands around the cup. “You’re not hurting, too?”
“Of course I am. I hate it here. But he’s the one who put everything out there—a massive step for Graham, as you probably know—and I’m the one who said no. That puts us in different corners of the ring and I don’t think I should be the one to come out first. If our roles were reversed, I’d want to be left alone. If he tried to talk to me after rejecting me, it would just piss me off.”
“He probably just needs time. You both do.”
Claire scraped a spoonful of foam from the top of her latte and put it in her mouth. That bitch in her chest thought it was a good time to toss up a memory of how good Graham’s dad’s coffee had been the weekend they’d stayed there. Better than Starbucks, she’d told him.
“I have one more question,” Mia said. Her tone was hesitant, which both piqued Claire’s interest and put her on edge. “I promise I’ll only ask it once, but I gotta. I get your reasons for breaking things off with Graham. As much as I can, anyway. No one can truly be in your shoes and know how it felt to go through what you did. But now, after months of being apart and still missing him like you do, are you sure it’s the right choice? Like, without a doubt, one hundred percent, you’ll-never-regret-this-choice sure?”
Tears welled up in Claire’s eyes and she blinked away the burning sensation. “What the fuck kind of question is that?”
Sympathy shone in Mia’s eyes. “I’m sorry. It’s just... I thought I knew what I was doing when I kept away from Noah for so long. I thought it was for the best, too. I was so very wrong, and I’ve never been happier since realizing it. As your best friend, I just want to make sure you don’t miss your chance to do the same.”
Frustration built along Claire’s spine. “Do we ever know with absolute certainty if the decisions we make are the right ones in the long run? All I know to do is look at what I’ve gone through and where I am now and decide based on that information. I’m not psychic. I don’t know what I’ll feel next week, next month, or next year.”
If only that were possible.
“You make a great point, but I’m not sure you realize it actually cancels out your argument for cutting things off with Graham.”
“How?”
“You just said you couldn’t base your decision off future feelings, but that’s exactly what you did.”
Claire frowned, shaking her head. “No, I...”
“When you think about the past with Graham, what’s the first word that comes to mind?”
“Irritation.”
Mia snorted. “Any others?”
“Fun. Loyalty. Friendship.”
“Now, think about the last time you were with him, before the fight. When things were good. Do you remember how you felt in that moment?”
Claire squeezed her eyelids shut, once again trying to keep from crying in a public place. A display like that wasn’t her style.
She didn’t say any of the words out loud. Tender. Loved. Connected.
She could only nod.
“Yes, I remember how I felt.” Her voice trembled and she hated it.
“If your answer to this next one is yes, that’s it. You know what’s right for you. But I don’t think you can move forward until you address this with yourself. You know how you feel about him, and how you felt when you were with him. Anything beyond that is pure speculation. Are you willing to discard all of those things based on assumptions for how you might feel down the road?”
Claire’s heart raced, torn between defending her decision and accepting the good points Mia was making. “It’s not complete speculation,” she argued weakly. “I was so freaked out that day I thought he was injured at a fire that I went home and kissed the hell out of him.”
Mia tucked her lips between her teeth as if trying not to smile. “Is that supposed to sound like a bad thing?”
“The fear was. It’s debilitating.”
Mia sobered. “I know. I worry about Noah, too, you know.”
“You do?”
“Of course. He goes on almost every climbing trip Graham does.”
“That’s true.” Mia seemed so matter-of-fact about it. Claire envied her for it. “How do you do it?”
Mia shrugged. “I guess I just try to focus on the time I have with him instead of obsessing over when our end date might be. His brother died in a car accident, which could happen to any of us. People have sudden heart attacks, aneurysms, get cancer. They fall down stairs or are in the wrong place at the wrong time when someone walks in with a gun. Terrible things happen all the time and they can happen to anyone. If I let myself think about every little thing that could take Noah away from me I’d be a walking basket case every minute of every day.” Her voice was near a whisper. “What a horrible way to live and miss out on the best thing in my life.”
Claire swiped at her cheeks. “Shit, Mia.”
Mia didn’t apologize. Rather, she looked down at her phone resting on the table and tapped it. The lock screen illuminated with an image of her and Noah, faces pressed together, ridiculous smiles on their faces. She took in a shaky breath and smiled. “They say love drives out fear. That it brings light into darkness. As long as I have a choice, I’ll choose love and light and hope the power of that choice, and the person that comes with it, does the rest.”
Claire left the café even more confused than when she arrived. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d walked away from a tough conversation with Mia without a firm idea in her mind of where she’d go from here.
It was after ten by the time they said goodbye and walked to their cars. She’d put her phone on silent during dinner and now checked the screen before turning on the ignition.
Matt had called, then followed up with a text.
Matt: Hey beautiful. Just wanted to say I hope you had a good day at work today. If you’re free on Friday I’d love to cook you dinner. Call me later.
Claire didn’t reply and slipped the phone back into her purse. Gripping the back of her neck in one hand, she leaned her head back and sighed.
She really hated it here.
A huge yawn caught her off guard. Give yourself a break. You just worked a twelve-hour shift on your feet and had an emotionally draining conversation with Mia.
All good points. She turned on the car and pulled onto the main road, allowing herself to put off thinking about men, relationships, or plane crashes until tomorrow.
The restaurant was only a few blocks from her house, and she let her brain go on autopilot to get her home. She reached down to turn on the radio, and when she looked up again she was blinded by bright lights coming straight at her.
Disoriented, she grabbed the wheel with both hands and hit the brakes, hard. Something slammed into her from behind, forcing her body forward. Another crunch sounded from somewhere in front of her, and everything went black.
28
“I can’t believe it’s been four months since I’ve gone camping.”
Noah glanced back from his spot a few feet up on the trail. “Have you ever gone that long?”
Graham returned his eyes to his feet, careful of his footing. How long would it take before he stopped being worried about reinjuring his leg? As impatient as he’d been to get the cast off and get back to his normal life, he didn’t intend to mess things up and go back to square one.
“Honestly, I’m not sure if I have. Since my first trip when I was ten.”
“I’m glad I suggested it, then.”
“Me, too,” Graham said.
He inhaled deeply, taking in lungfuls of the fresh mountain air. Only one thing smelled better, and she wasn’t here.
After ten more minutes of an easy, fairly level hike, Noah slowed. “Almost there.”
The comment was unnecessary. Graham knew exactly where they were. This was one of their favorite camping spots, close to a river for fishing and within hiking distance of a few lesser-known climbing spots. The best part: it was low traffic and devoid of loud, often inconsiderate tourists.
They reached a small clearing and a familiar voice stopped him in his tracks.