Teresa was smiling softly as they loaded the groceries into Nick’s rental car. He didn’t know if his mom would ever flat-out say that she was proud of him. That wasn’t exactly her way. But her smile let Nick know how she felt.
They dropped off her groceries, then Nick drove Teresa to the nursing home for her evening shift. She thanked Nick for the ride and opened her door. Then she seemed to rethink her decision and closed the door just as quickly.
“I met your dad when I had no one,” she said, turning to him. “He was the first person who really cared about me. When I found out I was pregnant with you, my priority was keeping my family together. I didn’t want you to feel the way I’d felt as a child. I wanted you to grow up with both of your parents. That’s why I always did everything I could to bring your father back home whenever he left. I wanted you to have stability. It took me a long time to realize that my behavior was the opposite of stable.”
Nick leaned back in his seat, his hands at ten and two on the steering wheel. He was shocked that his mother, who’d always been so stoic, was sharing these things with him.
“Given the way that your father and I were, it makes sense that you’d want to stay away,” she continued. “I wasn’t there for you when I should have been, and I’m sorry. But people can change. I’m trying to, at least.”
There was a part of Nick that was hesitant to trust Teresa’s earnestness. She could be saying this now only because Nick had helped her so much or because Albert wasn’t there to keep her attention. Trusting Teresa didn’t come naturally to him.
But he thought about what Lily would do. He knew that she’d give Teresa the chance to prove herself.
“Okay,” he said.
“You’re not up there in New York alone, are you?” she asked. “Do you have someone?”
His knee-jerk reaction to keep Lily separate from his parents flared up. But he didn’t want to hide his past from his present anymore.
“I do,” he said. “Her name’s Lily.”
Teresa smiled a little, tilting her head. “Tell me about her.”
And so he did.
* * *
? ? ?
Later, at the hospital, Nick was waiting to speak with Albert’s doctor about next steps for his recovery and at-home care. Albert had been in the hospital for almost a week and a half, and the surgery a few days ago for his broken leg had been successful. He was recuperating now and would be discharged soon.
While Albert slept, Nick sat in a chair by the window with his notebook propped open in his lap. He was trying to write, but his mind was on Lily.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without a notebook in your hand.”
Nick glanced up, and Albert was awake, looking at him. His voice was groggy, and his movements were sluggish as he slowly sat upright.
“You the one paying for this hospital bill?” he asked. He attempted a lopsided grin.
Nick cleared his throat and closed his notebook. “I can.”
Over the past couple days when Nick had visited Albert, he’d been asleep or so high on painkillers, he’d barely registered that Nick was even there. Now they stared at each other, assessing. It had been years since they’d spoken directly, receiving updates on each other’s lives only through Teresa. The last time they spoke they’d been in this same hospital after Teresa had fractured her shoulder. They’d been arguing, shouting.
Nick had spent so many years in constant anxiety, anticipating Albert’s behavior, wondering if he was going to pop up at his school or his job to ask for money or to make him do something that he didn’t want to. As a kid, Nick had both feared the possibility of Albert’s presence and craved it, because on his rare good days, Albert had been larger than life. Now he looked so small and fragile in his hospital bed, and Nick wondered why he’d ever thought to feel so afraid.
“Why you looking at me like that?” Albert asked. His gaze suddenly turned hard.
Nick shook his head. “I’m not looking at you any kind of way.”
“Yes, you are. You think you better than me or something?”
“No,” Nick said. Then he paused. “I just think you need help, Dad.”
Albert sighed, his anger deflating. “Don’t we all?”
The simplicity of that question struck Nick.
He’d fought his whole life to be nothing like Albert, despite the qualities they had in common. Their ambition, their sense of survival. Their desire to be loved. But what they most had in common was something that Nick had no control over: they were imperfect human beings.
Despite everything, Nick loved his dad, but doubted he’d be able to build a new relationship with him, and honestly, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to. But what Albert had said was true. Nick also needed help in his own way. He decided right then that he’d find a therapist as soon as he got back to New York.
By the time Nick thought to reply, Albert was already snoring.
He didn’t know when he’d talk to Albert about his book, but he was no longer afraid about him finding out. That was what mattered most.
Albert’s doctor appeared in the hallway then, gesturing to Nick. He left Albert’s room quietly, careful to close the door behind him without a sound.
* * *
? ? ?
That night in his hotel room, Nick sat in front of his glowing laptop screen and pulled up his current draft of The Elves of Ceradon book two. He stared at the blinking cursor and realized something.
The story he’d started for Deko no longer fit. It didn’t make sense for Deko to stay in Ceradon. It was true that he’d found a new home there, a safer home. But Deko would need to return to his old kingdom eventually. He’d need to build an army to rid the land of life leeches for good.
Deko might not be successful in his venture, but he had to try. He’d come too far not to.
Nick highlighted and deleted the handful of chapters he’d managed to write over the last few weeks. With a clear vision in mind, he began again.
Hours later, when most people in his part of the world were sleeping, Nick was bleary-eyed and exhausted. He wanted to text Lily, but he’d wait until first thing tomorrow morning when she was awake.
26
The one upside about not being invited to M&M’S party as a junior-level employee was that Lily was able to leave the office an hour early shortly after Edith left to meet other executives for pre-party drinks.
On the subway ride home, Lily sighed impatiently, looking at her dead cell phone. She’d stayed up late with Violet last night, helping her curate the perfect post-breakup playlist, including songs from SZA, Summer Walker and Jhené Aiko, aka the men-ain’t-shit holy trinity. She’d forgotten to charge her phone and it had died on her morning commute seconds after Nick had texted at 7:34 a.m.
Hey, can I call you later during your lunch?