In some ways, being back in Warren made Nick feel like he’d stepped through a time machine. Piggly Wiggly was still the place where everyone shopped. He’d already bumped into three high school classmates. The Jack in the Box where he’d worked was still across the street. It was strange to return to a place where much hadn’t changed, when he felt like a different person.
Teresa stood beside Nick, glancing back and forth between two different bottles of apple juice. Welch’s and store brand. She looked almost exactly the same as the last time he’d seen her. Slight and petite with light brown skin and large round eyes. The only difference was that her hair was shorter and styled into a pixie cut.
When Nick first arrived at the hospital days ago, Teresa had hugged him more tightly than he’d expected. He remembered how fragile she’d always seemed to him as a kid.
His parents had spent the better part of the last five years bouncing around the Bible Belt. And to Nick’s surprise, the reason they’d come back to Warren was because Teresa was divorcing Albert. After almost three decades, she’d finally had enough of running after him. She’d left Albert behind in Memphis and returned to Warren. Soon after, Albert had arrived too, but Teresa remained adamant on the divorce, even though she let him stay with her at the extended-stay motel. Theirs was a relationship that Nick still didn’t understand and probably never would.
While Teresa had been rehired at the nursing home, Albert dragged his feet about finding work. He spent too much time down at the pool hall, drinking and betting like before, and a few nights ago he’d gotten into the car with an associate who’d been too drunk to drive, and now Albert was in the hospital, concussed and injured.
That morning Nick had given Teresa the money to apply for an apartment. In another move that surprised him, Teresa chose to list only her name on the lease. He didn’t know where his father would live. He didn’t know if he believed Teresa would actually go through with the divorce. But he couldn’t have imagined Teresa making that kind of act of independence when he was younger.
So now, while they waited for Teresa to be approved for the apartment, Nick took her grocery shopping. Their relationship was awkward and stilted. But she was his mother and Nick had the money. The very least he could do was buy her food.
“This one’s cheaper,” Teresa said, finally placing the store brand apple juice into the cart.
“Get whichever one you want,” Nick said. “Don’t worry about the price.”
“You sure?” Teresa frowned, glancing at the cart, which was already full. After couponing her whole life, she was unused to the concept of not needing to tally up costs while she shopped.
“I’m sure.”
“All right,” she said after a prolonged moment. She switched out the apple juices and indicated for Nick to move the cart farther down the aisle.
Nick still hadn’t told her about how much money he had or how he’d gained it. He could tell that Teresa was curious to know how he’d been able to give her money for the apartment security deposit, and how he’d offered to pay for his dad’s physical therapy without question. But Teresa wasn’t Albert. She would observe Nick’s actions instead of asking for an outright explanation.
Keeping this secret is holding you back. I think you should tell them.
Lily’s voice popped into his head then. He hated how they’d left things after their phone call the other night. They’d spoken to each other a few times since, but something was off, and it made him feel off. He didn’t like feeling disconnected from her. Neither of them brought it up, but M&M’s party tomorrow night, and Nick’s refusal to go, was an elephant in the room.
Nick knew that everything Lily said had been right. He was afraid. He was fucking terrified to finally grasp on to the things that he wanted. He’d always thought it would be safer if he managed his expectations. But how could he live a full life that way? He’d thought he’d stopped running from his life by choosing to stay in New York, but really, he’d just been running in place.
The other night, Lily couldn’t understand where Nick had been coming from because when she looked at him, she didn’t think in terms of limitations. She was always thinking the best of him. His own self-perception wasn’t so positive yet, but he could work to improve it. He wanted to be better for Lily. He wanted to be better for himself. He couldn’t let this shit hold him back anymore.
“Mom,” he said, swallowing thickly. He waited until she turned away from the shelf of condiments and gave him her full attention. “I wrote a book. I—the book was sold to a publisher, and that’s how I make a living. I’m an author.”
She looked at him for a moment. “Does that explain all of this?” she asked, gesturing at the nearly overflowing cart.
He nodded. “I didn’t want to tell you or Dad, because I was nervous about what Dad would do once he found out about my new life. I thought he’d find a way to ruin everything.” He breathed deeply and added, “And I was unwilling to accept that something good had happened to me.”
Teresa eyed him closely, taking in what he’d just told her.
“You were always writing in those notebooks of yours every chance you got,” she said. “I remember you loved those Ring Lord books.”
Nick smiled. “Lord of the Rings.”
“Yeah, those.” She took over pushing the cart, and Nick walked beside her. “So, are you going to tell me what your book’s about?”
“Oh yeah, sure,” Nick said, surprised that she wanted to know. He told her the name of his book and his pen name. Her eyes glazed over when he attempted to explain the plot, but he didn’t hold it against her. High fantasy wasn’t everyone’s forte. But she looked at him with renewed interest when he mentioned the television show adaptation.
“When can I watch it?” she asked.
“Not for a while. Years probably.”
“Well, when can I buy a copy of the book?”
“In a couple weeks,” he said. “I’ll send you one.”
“Good.”
She didn’t say anything else as she steered the cart toward the checkout. Nick’s heart rate slowly returned to a normal pace. It was over. He’d told her. He’d built this moment up for so long in his head, and in the end, it had been so much easier than he’d thought it would be. There was still the matter of Albert and how he’d react to the news, but half the battle had been fought.
At the register, the cashier, a young girl with two nose rings and box braids, placed a thick paperback book aside in order to ring them up.
“You like to read?” Teresa asked the cashier, who nodded. “My son’s an author.” Teresa nudged Nick. “Go on. Tell her about your book.”
Nick paused in the act of swiping his credit card and glanced at his mom. Then he looked at the cashier, who stared back at him expectantly.
“Oh, uh, okay.” Nick proceeded to struggle through an elevator pitch that he’d definitely need to improve at a later date. But when he was finished, the cashier simply nodded again.
“Cool,” she said. “I’ll buy it.”