I dated several men after Logan, but this is the first relationship since him. Phillip and I ending up together was positioned as the Hollywood ending I deserved. Everyone began to refer to us as the golden couple. From the outside, we look perfect and happy and in love.
But I’m tired of roles now. I’m tired of acting as someone else, giving up my own happiness and peace for the comfort of everyone around me. I’m being offered more roles than ever before, but…I don’t even know if acting is my dream anymore. I accomplished what I set out to do: I became a major actor in Hollywood. Now what? That’s ironic. I’d thought I changed this part of myself years ago, this part that likes to hide the truth. I didn’t realize that I also needed to upend my entire life and start again, too.
I’m hurting Phillip by staying in this dance with him. I’ve tried to break up, and he always asks me to hang on, but I have enough agency that I can be firm. I know that this isn’t what I want.
“We should break up, Phil.”
He turns around, eyes wide, mid stir. He frowns and goes back to stirring again. “I thought we’d decided to keep giving this a try.”
“Be honest,” I tell him. “Do you want to stay with me because you love me, or because you’re worried about what the world thinks of our relationship?”
Phil seems to consider, but I think we’re both aware of the real answer. He nods. “I’ll admit, the thought has crossed my mind. There wouldn’t be a good response to either of us if we broke up.”
“You don’t make me happy,” I tell him, “and I’m not making you happy, either.”
He scratches his brow.
“I don’t think I’ve been happy for a while, now, actually,” I say.
“Since Logan, you mean?”
“No, I mean—I had this dream of making it in Hollywood, and now that I have…”
He frowns at me, confused. “Are you quitting acting?”
I’ve always loved acting. Maybe acting isn’t the issue—just the industry, the spotlight. I never wanted the fame. “No. I don’t think so. Maybe I just need to take a look at everything. At my life. At myself.”
Phil turns off the stove. “I’ve loved you for some time, Matt. It wasn’t only about the response we would receive. I really believed you could learn to fall in love with me.”
“It isn’t always that simple.”
“Right. I know that now.”
We’re silent as he puts pasta on the plates. I take them to the table and we sit together. The quiet is more comfortable than it’s been in a while. That’s saying something.
“I can start planning to move out,” Phil says.
I’m relieved he isn’t fighting me this time. “It isn’t a rush.”
His voice has some anger. “I’d rather leave as quickly as possible.”
I pick up my water. “Do you think you’ll stay in LA, or go back to London?”
“Likely London. I haven’t been receiving much work here anyway. Apparently I still need to work on my American accent a bit more.”
“I still care about you as a friend. You know that, right?”
“Yeah. I care about you, too, Mattie.”
I don’t think he means it in the way that I do. We go back to eating in silence.
*
Phillip leaves within a month. He was very serious about getting away from me quickly. I can’t be upset at that. He deserves the space he needs. Being in the apartment alone after I was living with a partner for so many months is unexpectedly lonely, so I decide to fly down to Atlanta. Emma is still at Sarah Lawrence, finishing up her last year, so I get my mom to myself for a while.
I’d offered to buy her and my dad a new house, but my mom waved me off. “We’re comfortable. This is where we’ve been for over thirty years. We don’t need your fancy lifestyle, Mattie.”
Thing is, I don’t know if I need it, either. I have more money than I know what to do with. No one in the world needs millions of dollars, especially in a city like LA where so many people are suffering. I feel disgusting when I drive to my million-dollar apartment, past people who can’t find a place to sleep in the streets. Maybe that’s been a part of me needing to get out, to leave, to clear my head. I don’t want to become one of those celebrities who lies to myself, thinking that I need a pair of shoes for hundreds of thousands of dollars, when that money could go to helping other human beings eat. I don’t know. The culture, the politics of fame—everything about the city makes me desperate to escape these days.
When I talk to my mom about it, she isn’t surprised. “You’ve always been down-to-earth. Don’t let anyone or anything change who you are.”
I have changed, though. I shake my head as I sit with her in the living room. “I think I need to start a new life.”
“Yeah? Where’re you thinking?”
I lean back into my seat. “I’m not sure yet.”
“You’ll figure it out,” she says, patting my knee. “That’s the exciting part.”
Logan
My apartment door slams shut behind me. My boots thump down the staircase, floor after floor, until I reach the bottom and push open the lobby’s door, into the bright light. A guy on a bike whizzes by, and cars and taxis blare their horns. I hurry up the sidewalk, checking the time on my phone, then head down the steps to the subway.
I think I’m going to be late. I’ve been here for over a year, and I still haven’t figured out the rhythm of Manhattan. The subways don’t follow a schedule. Seems like they just come whenever they want to. I sit in an icy cold subway car, checking the time nervously again, before we slow at my stop. I run back up the stairs and into the coffee shop, Coffee Unlimited.
When I saw the name on the window, it reminded me of days of unlimited coffee on set, and…I don’t know. There was a BARISTA WANTED sign in the window, and I was looking for a job, anyway. Just to have something to do. I have enough money to hold me over for rent for a while. I wasn’t willing to get roommates with strangers after I had to share my bedroom for over a year at the wellness center. Maybe I shouldn’t complain. We ended up being great friends. Tom moved out to Brooklyn a little after I came out here. We still meet up on the weekends.
I open the coffee shop door and the bell rings. Sarah is at the register already while Ashley is wiping down tables. “Hey, Logan,” Sarah says with a wave. She owns the coffee shop even though she’s only thirty-three or something ridiculously young to be a business owner in this city.
I give her a grin as I take over the register. “I thought I was going to be late.”
“You always think you’re going to be late,” Ashley jokes as she walks past.
I pull on my apron. I’ve been working here for three months now. The thing I love the most about New York City is that people, really and truly, do not care. Sarah knew who I was the second I walked in the door and asked about the job opening. “Oh,” she said, pointing at me and nodding. “You’re that actor, right?”