Sophie filled in after an extended silence, “I’m so sorry she did that to you.” She wrapped her fingers through his and held him steady.
“In her own twisted way, she thought she was helping me. That’s the fucked-up part.” His lips twitched, and he blew out a breath. “I guess, looking back, I always had a kind of tendency to try to handle everything on my own. I didn’t like to ask for help, so people never really knew when I was in trouble. And I started to drink a lot because I was convinced that drinking made me a more interesting person. I was so sure that no one liked me when I was sober and that drinking brought out this fun, charming part of me. The part that my mom always wanted me to have, and that Reece and my dad have naturally. When I drank, I felt like I’d become the Montrose she and everyone else expected me to be. I was loud and cracked jokes and stayed out all night partying. It became this sort of crutch, like, I needed to drink to be worthy of my own last name. And without a drink, I was just Dash.”
He had never fully told this part of his story to anyone—just snippets so he didn’t reveal too much of himself. Now that Sophie knew, though, he felt like a poison had been drained from him. He was lighter.
“Just Dash is who I like best.” She gave him a soft smile and scratched his back with her nails. “What made you get sober?”
He took in a deep breath. He never had liked thinking about this moment. “For movies, you have to get a physical so they can take out insurance and make sure that if anything happens on set, you’re in tip-top health. And I was about to start this movie that I was really excited for. It was another indie film and a role I really felt like I understood. My mom hated it, of course—she always thinks indies aren’t worth anyone’s time. But when I was with the doctor doing the exam, they ran some bloodwork and did a physical. At my follow-up, she told me that my liver was starting to fail, and if I didn’t stop drinking, I would die by the time I was fifty.”
“Oh, my God,” Sophie breathed out.
“I just... That really sobered me up, for lack of a better phrase.” He reached for the now-cool mug of coffee on his nightstand and took a needed sip. “I didn’t want to die. I don’t know, I just had this massive wake-up call, and I went to an AA meeting later that day. I was drunk when I showed up, but it’s where I met Chris.”
Sophie tightly gripped his hand, which reminded him that she shouldn’t even be there with him. She should stay as far away as possible from his chaos. He loosened his grip on her.
“You don’t have to do this,” he said. “You can leave. I’ll be okay.”
But would he be okay? He wasn’t totally sure. He just forced himself to say the words so she’d have an easy out.
“I’m not leaving.” She was a little more forceful with her tone than usual.
“Why are you being nice to me?” He shook his head as he looked at her. “I left you and drove to a bar and got drunk yesterday. That should scare you. You should want to run from me.”
He hadn’t been mad at her, not until that moment when she was making the dumbest mistake of her life by trusting him. Again. He had to talk her out of wanting to be by his side.
But she brushed the hair from his face and grabbed his shoulder, squeezing so hard that he started to say ouch.
“Listen to me, Dash Montrose.” Sophie’s eyes went wide. “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you, just as you are. And if you think I’m going to walk away because of one mistake, then you’re wrong. Despite everything, I trust you. I always have. And I trust that if you make more mistakes, we’ll figure them out together.” Then she released his shoulder and smoothed a hand over her bun. “Now, hurry up and pack so you can say a proper goodbye to Rain Boots and Richard.”
Sophie walked toward his bedroom door, but he hated watching her go.
“Soph?” She turned, and her expression changed from steadfast to open. He knew this was the moment when he had to tell her his feelings, whether either of them were ready or not. He stood and moved to her, so they were just a few inches apart as he began to talk.
“This is going to be hard. It’s an everyday, every minute kind of thing for me. And now that I’ve relapsed, I...” He shook his head, so deeply regretting his choice but not being able to do anything about it either. You chose to drink, he thought, but now he’d choose to do better for her. “I didn’t think I would ever drink again, but I did. And I don’t know how to promise you that it won’t happen. I really hope I don’t relapse again. And I will try every day not to drink, but I have no idea how I’ll be in a week, or a month, or a few years. This won’t be easy. Staying sober has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. But I want to work at it with you, because I want to be with you forever. And I know you aren’t ready to say those words back yet, but I love you, Soph. I fell in love with you unexpectedly, but I plan to keep loving you fiercely.”
“You...” Her mouth opened, and he waited for her response. “What did you say?”
He swallowed and ran a hand through his hair, then met her gaze. “I love you.”
35
SOPHIE
Sophie’s mouth hung open long enough that it had fully dried out. And when she went to swallow, she coughed from the lack of moisture. She knew he was waiting for a response. She’d been in this situation before—with Carla—but this time, she didn’t feel the overwhelming urge to flee. She felt rooted to the spot where his gaze pinned her.
She should say I love you back in big capital letters and with multiple exclamation points. She willed the words to pour out of her. She knew she wanted to continue a relationship with Dash. She’d chosen Dash over Carla. So what was the problem?
Say it.
Say it, you absolute and complete turd.
Just. Three. Words.
But she couldn’t tell Dash she loved him. She was absolutely terrified, and her whole body felt leaden from the expectation that she needed to. Sophie reached a hand toward his shoulder, hoping that touching him again would spark the words out of her, but nothing came. His eyes searched hers, and she saw something like defeat. But she didn’t want him to feel defeated. Sophie really, really liked Dash. She knew she could love him someday. Maybe she still just had to work out her issues or something.
Eventually, she shook her head and said, “That is so fucking romantic.” She pressed her lips to his, and he pressed back. She just hoped that the feel of her against him was enough for now.
When she pulled away from him, she leaned her forehead against his and closed her eyes. “I will get there, Dash. I’ll trust you, if you trust me.”
“Deal,” he breathed out. And she really hoped, for her sake, that he meant it.
Sophie needed to feed Rain Boots a late lunch, so she stepped out of Dash’s place and started toward hers. Which is when she saw Poppy on her porch, leaning against the front door.