I had told my father, and he had been even more surprised than me. He’d asked me what I wanted to do. If I’d wanted to get to know her or have some kind of relationship with her, he’d promised to help.
Dad and I hadn’t been getting along great at the time. He’d gotten me out of jail twice, and I had been totally out of pocket. The pretext of helping me with Madison had gotten him what he wanted: to keep me on a short leash.
After months struggling with the lawyers, the judge had gotten me permission to see my sister twice a week, as long as I had her home by seven. Mom and I had no contact whatsoever—it was a social worker who brought Madison to me so I could pick her up and spend time with her. Because of the distance, I didn’t get to see her often, but at least twice a month, I’d take her out and enjoy the company of the only girl I’d decided to open my heart to.
That meant I had to give up the life I’d known before then. I had to go back home, return to college, and promise not to get wrapped up in any more problems. My father was unequivocal: if I screwed up, no more visits with Madison.
Mom and I didn’t see each other after the trial, but it was impossible to act like she didn’t exist. My sister talked about her all the time and told her things about me. That was the worst thing because it meant I could never really break off the relationship. The pain would always be there, hidden deep in my soul. In the end, she’d always be my mom.
* * *
Four and a half hours later, I stopped at the park where my sister always waited for me with the social worker. I made sure the present I had for her was visible in the passenger seat, and I got out, walking toward the fountain in the middle of the park, where there were kids running around and playing. I’d never been a fan of little kids, and I still hated how they were so whiny and needy, but one of those whiny, needy little kids had captured my heart.
I couldn’t help smiling when I saw her little blond head from behind. Just then she was bending over the fountain, not in the least afraid of falling in.
“Hey, Maddie!” I shouted, getting her attention and watching her eyes swell as she saw me there, ten feet away. “You thinking of taking a dip?” I asked. A huge grin crossed her angel face, and she ran over toward me.
“Nick!” she shrieked as she reached me. I bent over and lifted her in the air. Her golden curls flew out, and her blue eyes, just like mine, gazed at me full of excitement. “You came!” She wrapped her little arms around my neck.
I hugged her tight. That little girl had my whole heart in her hands.
“Of course I came, it’s not every day a girl turns five years old. What do you expect?” I set her on the ground and placed a palm on top of her head. “You’re huge! How much have you grown? At least thirty or forty feet!” I said, seeing the pride on her face.
“More than that, more like a hundwed twenty!” she said, hopping up and down.
“Wow! Soon you’ll even be taller than me,” I said as the tall, tubby woman with the folder under her arm came over.
“What’s up, Anne?” I asked the woman overseeing my visits with my little sister.
“Getting by,” she said in her usual expressionless tone. “I’ve got tons of work today, so I’d be appreciative if you’d bring your sister back on time, not a minute earlier or later, okay, Nicholas? We don’t want a repeat of last time, do we?”
Last time, my sister had cried so much when I’d told her I had to go that I’d ended up an hour and a half late to my appointment with Anne. All hell had broken loose: she’d called the cops, Social Services…and I’d almost lost my right to even see Madison.
“Relax, I’ll be here at seven,” I said to calm her down, picking Maddie up and taking her to my car.
“You know what, Nick?” she said, running her fingers through my hair. Since she’d been old enough to do it, her favorite pastime had been messing up my hair.
“What?” I asked. Despite our joking earlier, my sister was smaller than normal for her age. She suffered from type 1 diabetes. Her pancreas didn’t produce any insulin. For two years, she’d had to take shots three times a day, and we’d had to be very careful about what she ate. It was a common disease, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t dangerous. Madison had to keep a blood sugar monitor on her at all times, and if her glucose levels got out of whack, we had to give her shots or food.
“Mom said I can eat a hamburger today,” she replied with a radiant smile.
I frowned at her. My sister didn’t lie, but I didn’t want to take the risk of letting her eat something that would make her feel bad. And I definitely wasn’t going to call her mom to find out if she was telling the truth. Contacts like that had to go through Anne, and she hadn’t said anything to me.
“Maddie, Anne didn’t tell me anything about that,” I said as I put her in the driver’s side. She opened her eyes wide and stared at me.
“But Mama said I could,” she insisted. “She said it’s my birthday and I can go to McDonald’s.”
I sighed. I didn’t want to force my sister to miss out on something all little kids like. I hated that she couldn’t just enjoy a normal life. I’d had to give her injections in the stomach, and I hated the bruises that the continual injections left on her pale skin.
“Fine, I’ll call Anne and see what she says,” I told her, opening the trunk of the car and taking out the car seat.
“Nick, will you play with me today?” she asked. It was evident to me that the caretakers who were raising my sister didn’t like to play the games she liked. My mother was never home; she was always off traveling with her dickhead husband, and my sister spent too much time with people who didn’t love her as she deserved.
“Speaking of playing, I’ve got a present for you, Princess,” I said as I adjusted the seat. I stretched out to grab the round package wrapped in shiny paper with a big bow that the sales attendant at the store had wrapped for me.
“Yay!” she shouted, jumping up and down.
With a smile, I handed the gift to her. Its contents couldn’t have been more obvious.
She scratched off the paper like an animal, revealing the fuchsia-colored soccer ball.
“Ooh, pretty,” she said. “I love it, Nick! It’s pink, but it’s a really pretty pink, it’s not that little baby pink Mom likes so much. Plus Mom never lets me play soccer, but I can play with you, right?” she shouted, almost bursting my ear drums.
What could I say? My sister loved soccer, way more than any of those cheesy dolls her parents wouldn’t stop buying her.
I looked at her blue dress, her patent-leather shoes, and her lace leggings.
“Who dressed you?” I asked, picking her up again. She was light as a feather; she probably weighed less than the ball I’d just given her. She was like my mother in that way, and just looking at Madison always gave me an ache in my chest. She was a consolation in a way for losing my mother when I was so young. The only ways she resembled me were her bright blue eyes and her dark lashes. She even had my mother’s dimples!
Maddie gave me a sour look—a look she’d clearly learned from me.
“Miss Lillian wouldn’t let me put on my soccer uniform. I told her you and me played together, and she chewed me out and said I shouldn’t be doing exercise because I’ll get sick, but it’s not true, I can play with you as long as I’ve had my shot. You know that. We can play, right, Nick, can’t we?”
“Easy, kiddo, of course we can play, and you can tell Lillian that when I’m here, we’ll play whatever we want, got it? I’ll get you some clothes so we can do it without messing up your dress.” I kissed her on the cheek and strapped her into the seat. She wouldn’t stay still; she kept toying with the ball, and it was several seconds before I finally had her snug and could return to the driver’s seat.