My eyes meet his and that’s how we both finish—with our eyes fixed on each other and our orgasms only seconds apart.
Afterwards, Uri carries me to the bed and lays me down on it. He gets in beside me and we spend a long time just looking at each other wordlessly, recovering from what just happened, grappling with our own complicated feelings but refusing to share them with each other.
At least, that’s what I’m doing. I have no idea what he’s thinking. All I know is what I see in front of me.
He never looks away. His hand stays on my hip. There’s a storm brewing in those blue eyes but I’m left on the outside, looking in, like I’m watching through a window that refuses to open.
When he finally hauls himself out of the bed, I feel something sink to the bottom of my stomach. The realization that him staying with me in my bed was not a good thing.
It was a goodbye.
“Uri…”
“We can’t keep doing this,” he whispers softly.
I sigh. “I know.”
54
URI
“Something bothering you this morning, big brother?”
“No.”
“Really? ‘Cause you’ve been scowling at the coffee machine for the last minute like it owes you money, and before that, you seemed to have a grudge against the toaster.” Polly gives me a small smile. “Sit down. I’ll get you your coffee.”
“I can manage myself.”
“I don’t think you can. You’re about ten seconds away from hurling the coffee machine out of the window and I need my morning dose before that happens.”
I turn to look at my sister. In the morning sun slanting in through the skylights, she looks ageless and ethereal. She looks like our mother. “Since when do you drink coffee?”
“Since I realized I could get away with it without anyone noticing.”
Guilt pricks at me. Isn’t this exactly what Alyssa had told me yesterday? “Do you like your boarding school?”
She shoos me away from the coffee machine and takes over. “Sure. It’s fine.”
“Define ‘fine.’”
She shrugs. “It has its ups and downs, like anything in life.”
“You know you don’t have to stay there, right? If you wanted to come back home, that can be arranged. I can get you into Scotswood Academy. It’s only a thirty-minute drive from here.”
She gives me a tiny glance. “What brought this on?”
“I was just thinking—”
“Is that code for I spoke to Alyssa?”
My face curdles into an instant grimace. “Not everything is about her.”
“So she’s not the reason you’re in a foul mood this morning?”
“This is how I am every morning.”
“Right. But today is, like, more so.”
I roll my eyes and take the mug of coffee she’s handing me. “How was she last night, by the way?”
“What do you mean?”
Pol walks her own mug over to the kitchen island and perches on the stool again. “Just wondering how she was, which I know you know, since I saw you skulking out of the basement after midnight.” I grimace again and she smirks. “Busted.”
“I was just checking on the security cameras.”
“Oh, I bet you were. Is that what we’re calling it these days?”
“Polina Bugrov.”
“Oh, will you just admit it already? It’s so obvious! You’re in love with her.”
I stare at my baby sister. It doesn’t make sense that she looks so old and wise. The words don’t make sense, either.
“Fucking hell, Polly—”
“You wanna know something?” She sips her coffee, winces, and adds in a heaping dose of sugar. “You walk around all big and macho, but when it comes to feelings, you’re the biggest coward I know.”
I clench my teeth. “I am not in love with anyone.”
She sighs as she stirs. “Case in point.”
“She’s just a random girl who got involved with the wrong people,” I say, studiously avoiding eye contact. “She’s no one to me.”
“Is that why you can’t seem to stay away from her?”
“We’re done with this conversation.”
“You’re just proving my point, you know.”
“There are some things that you just don’t understand.”
Her face screws up. “I’m fourteen, not a fucking idiot.”
“Watch your language.”
“Oh, you’re choosing now to police me on my language?” She laughs. “The ship already sailed on that one, big brother. Kinda like you and Alyssa.”
Before I can remind myself that this conversation should’ve ended a long time ago, I ask, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Polina looks quietly pleased that I’m so easily getting suckered into playing along with her. “It’s obvious that she has feelings for you, too. But she’s never going to be able to be open about them until you start being honest first.”
I can only shake my head. How the fuck did I end up here? Being advised on love by my fourteen-year-old sister?
She takes her coffee mug and lifts it into the air like a farewell salute. “I love you, Uri. You deserve to be happy.”
Then she walks out of the kitchen.
Sighing, I drink my coffee. It’s not nearly as strong as I need it to be, but I resist the temptation to add in as much whiskey as Polina added sugar. I need to get my day started and I can’t afford the distractions.
My first order of business—back Sobakin into a cold fucking corner.
I call Stepan, who’s been chasing a lead, one of Sobakin’s less cautious vors, for the past twenty-four hours. “He’s in a bar right now, boss. He passed out on the counter a couple of hours ago. Once he leaves, I can try to corner him.”
“He seems plenty cornered right now.”
There’s a second of silence. “Sir… if I go in now, it’d be public.”
“Good. I want Sobakin to get the message loud and clear. Send me your location and wait for me. I’ll be there soon.”
I’m on my way out of the house, relieved to be fucking doing something for a change, when I notice Lev skulking in the hallway just in front of the basement stairs.
“Lev.” He flinches, wringing his hands together so tight that the knuckles go white. “Are you going down to see Alyssa?”
He starts rocking back and forth. “Video games,” he mumbles. “Video games.”
Sighing, I put my hand on his shoulder and he jerks away violently. “It’s okay. Just go down.”
“You won’t be mad?”
Would it matter? Would it change anything? My anger hasn’t stopped a goddamn thing in this house from happening up to this point, so I don’t see why it would start working now.
“No. Go ahead.”
He gives me a big, goofy grin and lopes down to the basement. I watch him go with a weight on my chest that feels suspiciously like jealousy. Then I force myself out of the house and head to the location Stepan has sent me.
My motivations for taking down Sobakin are as strong as they ever were. Revenge for my parents. Closure for me and my siblings. Safety for Alyssa.
But now, there’s a question in the back of my head that keeps distracting me from the task at hand. It cuts sideways, like a splinter that just won’t let me pull it free.