Ben:???????????????He said that directly? He thought you killed Savvy?
Lucy:?????????????Not exactly, but it was obvious he thought I did it. He said … Let me try and get it right. He said, “I don’t need to know what happened, I just need you to know that I’m on your side.” And he said, “If you suddenly remember anything, do not say a word to anyone until you talk to me.”
Ben:???????????????What was your reaction to that?
Lucy:?????????????I was confused and honestly kind of devastated. I didn’t understand why he thought I was capable of killing anyone, much less Savvy. On the one hand, it was nice that his first reaction was to protect me, but on the other hand, why wasn’t the reaction disbelief? Why didn’t he immediately say to me, “I know you could never do this. I know you’re not capable of this.” Neither of my parents said that to me.
Ben:???????????????You’re aware that Ivy said your mom acted like she knew what happened a few days after Savannah’s death? She said your mom said that she’d make it right.
Lucy:?????????????I wasn’t aware of that until I listened to her interview.
Ben:???????????????So, you don’t know why she would have said that?
Lucy:?????????????If she knows something, she didn’t share it with me.
Ben:???????????????How about Matt? How did he act after you got home?
Lucy:?????????????He acted like he was scared of me. He asked me to go to my parents’ house.
Ben:???????????????Can you elaborate? How did he act scared?
Lucy:?????????????He didn’t want to come near me. I remember him standing by the door, this pleading look in his eyes. He looked genuinely frightened.
Ben:???????????????So both your husband and your parents immediately thought you killed Savannah?
Lucy:?????????????They never said it directly, but, yes.
Ben:???????????????What did that do to you? Emotionally, I mean.
Lucy:?????????????It certainly didn’t help.
Ben:???????????????Can you expand on that?
Lucy:?????????????What do you want me to say, Ben? It felt like shit.
Ben:???????????????Do you think it affected your memory?
Lucy:?????????????How do you mean?
Ben:???????????????Colin said that you shut down when he went to talk to you, after you created the false memory and he corrected it. He said you stopped trying to remember at all after that.
Lucy:?????????????I didn’t stop— Ben:???????????????Have you ever done any sort of memory retrieval therapy?
Lucy:?????????????No. Those methods are controversial, and they can lead to false memories. I was already creating those. I didn’t want any more.
Ben:???????????????Have you actively done anything to try and remember what happened since just after the murder?
Lucy:?????????????Like what? I’m in therapy. I’ve talked about Savvy a lot with my therapist. I think something would come up, if I was going to remember.
Ben:???????????????Do you think it’s possible that you can’t remember partly because you don’t want to remember?
Lucy:?????????????No, I think it’s the head injury.
Ben:???????????????But all the hours before the head injury. Is it possible that you can’t remember because of the trauma of both your parents and your husband immediately deciding you did it?
Lucy:?????????????Fuck, I don’t know. Ask a therapist.
Ben:???????????????I did. She said yes, it’s possible.
Lucy:?????????????Well, there you have it. Thanks for nothing, Matt. And Mom and Dad.
Ben:???????????????Do you want to know?
Lucy:?????????????If I killed Savvy? Of course I want to know.
Ben:???????????????Are you sure?
Lucy:?????????????Yes!
Ben:???????????????Have you visited any of the places where you saw Savannah that day? Your old house? The wedding venue? You and I went to where her body was found near the Byrd Estate, and that was very traumatic for you.
Lucy:?????????????I haven’t, no. I haven’t been inside my old house, though I’m sure it looks different now. Same with the wedding venue. They change it for every wedding.
Ben:???????????????Still … shouldn’t you have gone to jog your memory?
Lucy:?????????????Yes.
Ben:???????????????Yes?
Lucy:?????????????Obviously I should have gone. I don’t know why I didn’t.
Ben:???????????????Why did you go to the woods where she was found?
Lucy:?????????????My mom made me.
Ben:???????????????But nowhere else?
Lucy:?????????????We talked about going to the wedding venue, but … no. I think I said the same thing back then. It would have been set up differently for a new wedding.
Ben:???????????????Would it be fair to say that you’ve stopped trying to remember? That, in fact, you never really tried to remember what happened that night?
Lucy:?????????????No, never isn’t accurate. I tried really fucking hard the first couple days.
Ben:???????????????But after that?
Lucy:?????????????I guess I stopped trying, yeah. But not because I didn’t want to know! Because I thought it was one of those things where if I didn’t think about it, it would finally come to me. That’s what you’re supposed to do when you can’t remember, right?
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
LUCY
“Get your fucking microphone and meet me outside.”
“Oh, hello, Lucy, how nice to hear from you,” Ben says on the other line.
I shift the phone to my other ear as I pull my bedroom door shut behind me. “Just get it. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“Okay. Why?”
“We’re going to the damn wedding venue.”
* * *
Ben meets me outside his hotel, and we drive to the Byrd Estate. I take us slowly through the winding dirt road that leads up to the event center. Huge, old trees provide shade, and the historic house looms up ahead, a large white tent set up behind it. I can’t imagine what kind of masochists are having an outdoor wedding in August.
A woman in an alarmingly bright white suit scurries out of the house as I park and we get out of the car.
“Well, hi, y’all!” she says. “Are you my five thirty?”
“No,” I say.
Her smile falters, but then she spots Ben. “Ben! How nice to see you again!”
“Hi, Trudy.” He swings his bag over his shoulder, holding his portable mic in one hand. The light is on; he’s recording. “Sorry to just show up unannounced.”
“Oh, it’s fine. What can I help you with?”
“Do you mind if Lucy and I take a walk around? We want to see if anything jogs her memory.”
She recoils at my name. “Oh. Well … sure, if you think it will help.”
“I fainted last time we did this, but I’ll do my best to stay upright this time.” I try to sound flippant, but my voice actually trembles a little.
I don’t think Trudy notices, because she just frowns at me. “You may tour the Byrd Estate at your own risk.”
“Thanks, Trudy,” Ben says. She turns and walks back into the building, casting a disapproving glance over her shoulder.
“You want to tell me why you wanted to come here today?” he asks me once she’s gone.
“Because maybe you’re right. I’m very sad to contribute to your already wildly overinflated ego, but, yeah. You’re right that I haven’t really tried to remember. So here we are.”
“I think my ego is average-sized.”
“Ben, focus. And we both know that it is not.”
He rolls his eyes. “All right. What should we do—” He stops as a truck rumbles up the road and comes to a stop on the other side of the parking lot. Matt jumps out.
“I invited Matt, by the way.” I wave to him.
“What the hell, Lucy?” he calls as he strides over to us. “You didn’t tell me the podcaster douche was coming.”
“Podcaster douche is recording, by the way,” Ben says, holding up the microphone.
“Of course you are.” Matt stops beside me, his fingers brushing against my arm. I move away.
“If it makes you feel better, she didn’t tell me you were coming either,” Ben says.
It doesn’t appear to make Matt feel better.