Cecily takes my hand in hers. “I’m so happy for you, Bran. I feel like a proud mama seeing you find someone you like.”
“Yes! I hated that bitch Clara,” Glyn agrees. “She was such an opportunist. You know, I didn’t want to tell you this, but that night we had a party in the Elites’ mansion, I saw her trying to kiss Lan and she was rubbing herself all over him. He threw her out and asked me not to tell you since it would just hurt your feelings. I despise her so much, I can’t even begin to express it.”
Lan never mentioned that. But then again, he never tells me anything.
And what do you tell him? You locked him out a long time ago.
“You…” I watch them closely. “Don’t think it’s weird that I like a guy after only dating girls all this time?”
“What does gender have to do with it?” Cecily strokes my hand. “I’m just happy you’re happy.”
“Me, too.” Glyn interlinks her arm with mine and leans her head on my shoulder. “Whoever you like doesn’t change who you are. You’ll always be the coolest older brother ever.”
“Best friend in the land of the living.” Cecily scoots her chair over and grabs my other arm.
“Thanks.” My voice catches and I clear my throat. “I’m lucky to have you both.”
Cecily smiles up at me. “So, how long have you been with Nikolai?”
“Yes!” Glyn rests her chin on my shoulder. “We need deets.”
“A couple of months.”
“Wow. You guys really kept it under wraps.” Cecily shakes her head. “I didn’t suspect anything.”
“I kept it under wraps. I am the one who didn’t want to say the words aloud.”
It’s not really about coming out. It’s about everything else I have to admit when I come out.
The reason why I didn’t want to believe how so not normal I am.
“You needed time. It makes sense,” Glyn says. “You were always with girls, so I never really suspected you were bi.”
“I don’t think I’m bi. I’m just gay.” The words flow from my mouth easier than I thought. “Asexual, too. Or I was. I think the right term is demisexual. I can only feel sexual desire toward someone I like.”
“I kind of suspected the ace part.” Cecily smiles. “You were never attracted to anyone, no matter how hot they were. You looked at animals with more affection than you looked at your girlfriends.”
“Animals aren’t gold diggers.” Glyn punches the air. “I want to beat those bitches for using you.”
They didn’t use me. I used them. But that’s not a conversation I’m willing to have.
“I can’t wait to see Mum’s and Dad’s reactions when they find out.” Glyn grins and then pauses. “That is, if you want to tell them?”
“I will.”
“They’re going to flip their shit.”
“In a good or a bad way?”
“Bran, you could literally be an alien and they’ll love you. You’re their favorite.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You totally are. Mum worships you, and Dad loves you so much, he’s always like, Bran did this and Bran did that.” She pauses. “Not sure he’ll like Nikolai, though. He’s a massive menace.”
I wince. “It doesn’t help that he’s Kill’s cousin.”
“Kill can be civilized. Nikolai is…well, not?”
“Why Nikolai?” Cecily asks. “No matter how much I think about it, you guys are worlds apart in character. Where he’s chaotic, you’re organized to a fault. He’s unhinged, you’re methodical. You’re, like, opposites.”
“Maybe that’s why it worked. Besides, he didn’t really leave me much of a choice. He invaded my life and wasn’t budging no matter how much I pushed him away…well, that is, until now.”
“What’s wrong?” Glyn pulls away, frowning. “Please tell me it’s not because of Lan.”
“They fought the other night, right?” Cecily winces. “Jeremy said Nikolai hasn’t been himself this past week.”
“It’s not Lan, it’s me. He didn’t like the fact that I was hesitant.”
“But this whole thing is new for you, Bran. It’s okay to take your time.” Glyn rubs my shoulder.
“Not if it means I could lose him. I think I hurt him whenever I do that, because he believes I’m ashamed of him.”
“Oh.”
“I’m not,” I blurt out quickly. “I just… I can’t help thinking about all the other factors, namely Lan.”
“Ugh. Seriously, you need to get over your fixation on Lan’s reaction to everything you do. I love you, Bran, I really do, but you give him so much leeway for all the shit he does.” Glyn sighs. “He doesn’t even care.”
She’s wrong. Or maybe I’m also holding on to another myth that was never true.
But seriously, what does it mean if I’m more worried about Lan’s reaction than my damn parents’?
Not that I’m not concerned about Mum and Dad—I get a queasy feeling just thinking about that conversation, but Lan…
I can feel my stomach dipping when I imagine the haughty, disappointed expression he often gives my art.
He’s always been perfect, and his disapproval gives me fucking nightmares.
“I mean, not to be the devil’s advocate.” Cecily grimaces. “But nothing good will happen if Lan knows about Nikolai. That’ll be like when he learned about Killian and Glyn all over again.”
“That’s what I said.” I rub my face. “Nikolai doesn’t seem to agree. I really don’t want them to fight again.”
“You’re right…” Glyn’s shoulders droop. “It won’t be pretty.”
“You bitches!” A loud voice comes through and we all groan as Remi slides to our table, dragging Ava behind him. “I can’t believe you’re having afternoon tea without my lordship. If I hadn’t seen Glyn’s story, I would’ve been none the wiser. And then I find this one lurking in the house like a thief. You bitches will be the death of me, seriously.”
“I’m not a thief, I was just looking for Bran.” Ava kisses my cheek. “Hi, Bran.”
“Hey.”
Ava sits beside Cecily and hugs her. “Missed you, bestie.”
Cecily rubs her arm. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” She smooches her cheek.
Remi pulls up a chair and invades the space between me and Cecily, and they fight about who gets to sit beside me.
Since I’m the most levelheaded of the group, they always want to be with me. I often get texts like, It’s boring without you, Bran.
Even though I’m not a clown like Remi or hyper like Ava, I have a special place in the group.
Why did I ever feel like I’d be judged by my closest friends? My intimate circle of support?
No, it’s not them I was scared of. It’s me. It’s always my-fucking-self.
I’m my own worst enemy.
“So what were you talking about before my lordship’s spectacular arrival?” Remi steals Glyn’s macarons and Cecily’s tea.
“Nothing.” Cecily winks at me.
I shake my head at her and take a deep breath. “Remi, Ava. I want to tell you something.”
Though I’m joined by Cecily and Glyn, my movements are stiff at best as we walk into the Heathens’ mansion.
My sister and my friend have been here countless times, considering their boyfriends, but that’s not the case for me.