But even without that information, he still went on with the fight.
I had to stand there and watch Nikolai and Lan go at each other’s throats and nearly beat each other to death.
To say I was livid after that would be an understatement. Not only because Nikolai still went on with the fight despite me begging him not to, but also because of Lan.
He suspects something and he was positively murderous after the fight. He wouldn’t stop asking, “Why the fuck was Nikolai looking at you like that?”
While he didn’t specify what the ‘that’ was, I could see the accusatory look in his eyes and hear it in his tone.
Telling him anything is just a disaster waiting to happen, so I deflected, and it’s working for now.
That night, I naturally couldn’t go to the penthouse, because Lan was watching me like a fucking hawk. I was sure if I’d left, he would’ve followed me. No doubt about that.
So I texted Nikolai.
Me
Why on earth did you fight Landon? Now, he won’t stop pestering me and asking about why you kept looking at me.
Nikolai
And it’d be the end of the world to tell him the truth?
If I do, he’ll kill you.
Not if I kill him first.
He’s my twin brother, Nikolai. You can’t just talk about killing him and expect me to be okay with it.
But it’s okay if he attempts to kill me?
No, of course not. I’d much rather you stay away from each other.
Is that your way of saying you’ll never tell him about us?
That’s just a recipe for disaster. He’s not exactly your biggest fan.
The feeling is mutual. I hate the motherfucker.
Can’t you just ignore him? I’m sure he’ll ignore you, too.
Until the whole thing with Mia hopefully blows over.
Let me ask you. Do you ever plan on telling him about us?
I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.
How long do I have to wait? A month? A year? A decade? How long should I prepare to shove myself back into the closet with you?
I’m sorry.
Fuck you and your fucking brother.
That was the last text he sent me. Six days ago.
Six whole days.
I’ve waited for him in the penthouse, but he never shows up.
I’ve texted him a few times, but he’s never replied.
Every night, I hope he’ll come home. Every night, I sit on the sofa across from the lift until I fall asleep. Sometimes, I spend all-nighters obsessing and having to physically stop myself from bleeding my fucking wrist dry.
The fact that he ghosted me after I opened up to him, even partially, has been messing with my head in ways I don’t like to admit. Nikolai has always communicated with me. This is the first time he’s not being an open book and it’s fucking me up.
It’s not like I can go to his campus or house. Though Mia invited me to her birthday party tonight, so this is my only chance to see him.
“Bran!” Glyn waves in my face and I blink. “Where did you go?”
“Nowhere. I’m just a bit exhausted.”
“I get it.” She sighs. “Lan’s been shadowing you lately, hasn’t he?”
“Yeah.”
“That must be so annoying. What’s his plan now?”
“I don’t know.” Though I do know, but it doesn’t matter now that Nikolai isn’t in the picture anymore.
What if he really is done with me this time? What if he finally gave up after seeing that ugly side of me?
The thought sends a rush of nausea to my throat and I feel like I’ll throw up.
“Poor Bran is just existing, but psychos won’t leave him alone.” Cecily pats my hand, bringing me back from the edge.
“Psychos?” I frown. “Do you mean Eli? He doesn’t really bother me. He’s actually pretty content when he’s around me.”
“Not Eli. Nikolai.”
My heart thuds against my rib cage and I have to remind myself to breathe.
Jesus. How desperate could I be to get so flustered at the mere mention of his name?
“Nikolai?” I ask with the same nonchalance that I fake so well.
“Yeah, he was asking me about you the other day when Jeremy took me to the Heathens’ mansion. He calls you lotus flower.” Cecily winces. “It gave me the creeps to see him that interested in you.”
“Right!” Glyn snaps her fingers. “Whenever I go to visit Kill, Nikolai asks about my brothers and I thought it was because of how much he hates Lan’s guts, but he seems more interested in any tidbits about Bran. Did he always love art? When did he make his first painting? What does he like to do in his free time? What’s his favorite color? Movie? Parent? Jeez. It feels like a police interrogation.”
“What makes it creepy is how intense and insistent he gets. Jeremy said that’s how he is and if I don't feel comfortable, I shouldn’t answer him, but still. Why do you think he does that?”
“If I didn’t know better, I would think he’s crushing on you, Bran.” Glyn giggles and bumps my shoulder with hers.
My body stiffens and I reach a hand to my nape, pulling at my hair until pain explodes not only in my scalp, but also deep in my soul.
“Bran?” Cecily watches me carefully. “Are you okay?”
“Not really,” I murmur, battling against being suffocated under the weight of my own admission.
I am not okay.
Have I ever been okay? I don’t remember the last time I was okay.
No. I do. It was when Nikolai hugged me to sleep. I was okay that night.
Fuck it. I’m falling apart anyway. Might as well do it spectacularly.
I let my hand fall to my side and face my sister. “You’re right. He’s crushing on me. Or he was.”
Her eyes double in size. “How do you know? Did he tell you?”
“You could say that. Actually, I’ve been with him for a while now.”
I regret my decision to just let it all out when Cecily spills her tea and Glyn looks at me as if I’m an alien.
And these two are supposed to be the least drama-free and understanding people in the group.
Bloody hell.
I tighten my grip on the teacup. “Are you going to say something or just continue to stare? Not that it’s uncomfortable or anything remotely similar.”
“Sorry…” Cecily dabs at the spots of tea on the table with a napkin. “I’m just making sure I heard you correctly. Did you just say you’ve been with Nikolai for a while? Like the way you were with Clara?”
“Don’t compare him to Clara. I couldn’t care less about her.” I’m losing myself because of him.
“Oh my God,” Glyn breathes out and cups her mouth, but that does nothing to hide her smile. “That day in the coffee shop when Kill said Nikolai is exclusive with someone, could that, by any chance, be you?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you, like, coming out to us, right now? What am I supposed to do? Can I hug you?”
“I’d rather not,” I say, feeling a bit lighter that she’s smiling. That’s good, right?