“I haven’t earned that title,” I say into his shirt. “I haven’t done anything to be called that.”
“Yes, you have, Miller. Contrary to what you believe, you don’t have to be the best to earn a name for yourself. I know you. I know you’re having a hard time grasping what just happened because this wasn’t a goal you set out to achieve, so yeah, you’re feeling undeserving of the name. But what if I waited until I was the best possible dad to allow him to call me that? He’d be waiting for the rest of his fucking life.”
I bury myself deeper into his chest. He’s right about how I feel. I’m not good enough to be this boy’s mom. I don’t even know how to help him when he’s sick. I don’t have those natural motherly instincts.
“I see the way you are with him,” he continues. “How much confidence you give him just by being there for him. How much you love him. Trust me, I know how fucking scary it is for someone to view you that way, and tomorrow when you go, I’ll start straightening that out for him, but it’s not because you’re underserving of that name.”
It’s because I won’t be around to have it.
Inhaling a calming breath, I step back from him. “I shouldn’t have been so close with him this summer, Kai. I should’ve kept the line clearer that I was just passing through.”
Kai’s icy gaze hardens. “Why? So my son could spend time with someone who doesn’t make him feel like he’s the most important person in the world the way you have? Or so he wouldn’t know what it feels like to be loved the way you love him? That’s bullshit and you know it. Or are you saying that in regards to me? That you should’ve kept the line clearer with me that you’re just passing through.”
I should’ve kept the line clearer for myself because this hurts. Every word feels like an arrow straight to the heart, sharp and painful. This is exactly why I’ve remained detached because loving someone when your paths are running in different directions is the worst kind of torture.
Kai takes off his hat, placing it on the kitchen island, running an aggravated hand through his dark brown hair. “God, Miller, you try so hard to keep yourself detached. To live this lonely life, and I don’t fucking get it.”
I know he’s speaking, but all I can see is his hat sitting upside down on the kitchen island. The same photo of Max is tucked into the inner brim, but now there’s a new addition. I could pick out that picture anywhere. The bright yellow T-shirt is hard to miss after seeing it on my dad’s desk every day this summer.
“What is that?”
Kai follows my line of sight, staring right at his hat. His exhale is defeated. “You know what that is.”
“Why? Why would that be there? Why is it next to Max’s picture?”
He doesn’t answer me, so I pull my attention away from the picture to find him staring at me and it isn’t until he has my full attention that he says, “Because when life or work gets too stressful, too overwhelming for me, I’m able to see who matters most. And that’s you, Miller.” He shakes his head. “And it’s in there because I’m so fucking in love with you, it’s too painful not to be able to see you every second of the day.”
I shake my head frantically, as if the words will disappear if I do. “No, you’re not.”
We had rules that I needed him to follow. Rules that were set in place to keep me from hurting him. I can deal with breaking my own heart, but I can’t live with breaking his. It’s happened too many times in his life.
“I am.” He throws his hands up in defeat. “I fucking love you, and I’m sorry that neither my son nor I could control how we feel about you. I’m sorry that this is the last thing you wanted to hear, but I’m not sorry that I do.”
“Kai,” I cry, fresh tears streaming down my face. “You can’t. We just . . . we got caught up in this. We had rules.”
“Fuck your rules, Miller!” he bursts, pacing the hallway that leads to his room. “I’m not asking you to love me back.”
But I do.
“But I’m not going to keep pretending like I’m not absolutely fucking ruined from having you for the last two months. I know this is the last thing you wanted, but I’m not going to apologize. You’re my favorite person, Miller, and for once I had someone for me. I had someone taking care of me. After being alone for so long, I finally had someone looking out for me.”
“I haven’t been taking care of you.” I frantically shake my head. “You were the one taking care of me.”
“You’ve been taking care of my heart, Mills, and I’ve been taking care of yours.”
Using the back of my hands, I attempt to clean my face, but the stupid tears won’t stop falling.
“Fuck,” he breathes. “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew it’d scare you, make you run. But I guess it doesn’t matter anymore because you’re leaving tomorrow anyway.”
“You want a family to raise your son around. I don’t have that, Kai.” I swear I’m looking for anything to talk him out of his feelings. “I only have me.”
“I only want you! We already have a family, Miller. My friends, the team, your dad. And you. I just want you.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you,” I squeak out. “I knew I was leaving the entire time and I let you get attached. I let myself get attached, and now I’m just another person that’s going to leave you.”
Kai moves into the kitchen, hands braced on the counter in front of him. The kitchen where so much of my summer was spent. Where so many of my favorite memories were made.
“Miller, you’re not just another person.” He won’t look at me, his attention locked on the ground, and I catch the first tear fall from under his glasses, hitting the floor. “You put me first when I forgot how to. You reminded me what it felt like to be important, to be chosen first. I know you wanted this to be easy and detached, but you’re fucking in here.” His fingers meet his chest, tapping it a couple of times, blue eyes meeting mine, and full of pain. “You’re everywhere, and when you leave tomorrow, I’ll still see you everywhere. In this kitchen. In Max’s room. In my bed. There’s nothing about us that’s easy. This is fucking miserable, Miller, knowing there’s a clock counting down the seconds until I don’t have you anymore, but I’d do it all over again. I’d fall in love with you all over again. I’d break my heart all over again because loving you was one of the two greatest surprises of my life.”
His other being his son and being compared to the most important person in his life has my head falling back, trying to catch my breath.
Kai’s hands are fisted on the counter, shoulders low and defeated. He’s bent over in agony, a physical representation of how I feel.
“If I could . . .” he continues, shaking his head. “I’d chase you. I’d spend every free day on an airplane to get to you, even if that meant I only got to kiss you once before I had to fly back to Chicago. I’d spend my off-season living out of a hotel or out of your fucking van just to be close to you, but it’s not only me I’m making decisions for anymore. And because of that, I don’t want you to say anything. Don’t tell me if you love me, and fuck,” he exhales a painful laugh. “Please don’t tell me if you don’t. But especially don’t give me any hope because if you do, I have a feeling I’d chase you across the country until you were caught.”
Unable to keep my distance from him, I slip under his arm to meet him chest to chest. “Kai,” I whisper, short of breath and overwhelmed by his confession.
There’s so much I want to admit, but when I search his eyes, looking for the right words, he simply shakes his head, begging for me not to say any of it. So instead, I lean up on my toes, pulling him down to meet my lips, kissing him in a way that I hope conveys just how much I love him.
Leaning back, I run both my thumbs across his cheeks before slipping his glasses off. He’s so handsome, so mine. At least for tonight.
One last time.