A Fire in the Flesh (Flesh and Fire, #3)

And I knew he would.

So how…how could he not love? That question rose to the tip of my tongue, but there was no point in asking the pointless.

“We should probably get cleaned up,” I said instead, looking back at the hot springs. “Though I feel bad for getting in there while so filthy.”

Ash gave me a wry grin.

I searched for a place to put the diamond but only saw faint patches of grass peeking through the rocks. I caught sight of the relatively clean hem of my gown. I bent, carefully placing the diamond on the stone before gripping the gauzy material. I yanked, and it ripped easily.

“There are far easier ways to undress, liessa.”

I smiled. “I know. It just feels sort of wrong to leave the diamond on the cavern floor.” I tore a strip of material free, then wrapped The Star in it. “There.”

There was a look to his features that I didn’t quite understand as I rose. “I wish I could do what you do,” I said. “And know what you’re feeling.”

“I’m not even sure you’d know if you had the ability because I don’t know what I’m feeling.” Ash’s brows furrowed, and his gaze swept over me. “Did he always have you dressed like this?”

“You probably don’t want the answer to that.”

“Which means I already have the answer.” His chest rose with a stilted breath, and then he was directly in front of me, his fingers gently touching my cheeks. “Everything I did was to prevent this from happening. Everything.”

“I know,” I whispered.

A faint tremor hit his hands. “Yet I still failed you. I’m so sorry, Sera.”

My heart constricted as a knot of sorrow formed in my throat. “You did not fail me, Ash. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“But I do. I failed you before you even took your first step into the Shadowlands.”

I grasped his wrists. “How can you even say that? When you turned me down as your Consort, you did it to protect me. You made that deal with Veses to keep me unknown to Kolis. There was no way for you to know he was aware of me the whole time.”

“I’m not talking about that, Sera. I’m…”

I searched his features. “Then what?”

Closing his eyes, he shook his head. “We need to get cleaned up. We’ll talk more about this later.”

“But—”

“Later,” he insisted, dropping a kiss onto my forehead. His eyes, now open, shone like stars. “Right now, I…I just need to take care of you. Please?”

There wouldn’t be much of a later, but he’d said please, and I couldn’t refuse him. I nodded.

“Thank you.”

Those two roughly spoken words made my chest squeeze even tighter. I held still as he brushed my hair over one shoulder and found the clasp of my gown at the nape of my neck. The bodice immediately loosened. Out of reflex, I caught it by folding an arm across my chest.

His fingers halted their movements. “I just want to take care of you,” he repeated. “That is all, Sera. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is expected of you.”

It took me a moment to understand what he meant—what he was really saying. He hadn’t brought me here for any other purpose than what he claimed. To give us some time alone and to clean up. And this alone time didn’t involve anything of a sensual nature. A warring mix of emotions rose inside me. There was the swelling feeling of love in response to his thoughtfulness and awareness, but there was also a feeling of…of my skin and body not being mine. A soul-deep fear that Ash no longer saw me as the Sera he knew before Kolis took me because I had no idea what he knew. What he’d been told. But he’d definitely been told something. He’d appeared aware of the deal I’d made to free him. Did he know about the one I’d struck for Rhain’s life?

“Sera? Are you all right?”

I opened my mouth, then closed it. My toes curled as pressure clamped down on my chest and throat, more punishing than even Kolis’s hands.

“I can sense the tartness of your unease.” He tilted my head back. “You have nothing to fear from me. I promise. You’re safe.”

I shifted from one foot to the other. Despite the warmth of the cavern, tiny goose bumps broke out over my shoulders and upper arms. I didn’t want him to look at me differently. To think of me differently. I was still me. He saw that, right?

“Sera?” His gaze briefly dropped to where I held my dress. Only then did I feel the ache in my knuckles from how tightly I grasped the material. Shadows briefly appeared across his shoulders. “Would it be better if I didn’t touch you?”

I blinked. “W-what?”

“It won’t offend me.” The featherlight press of his fingers disappeared. “I just want to help you in whatever way you need.”

My heart started thumping. “Why would you think I wouldn’t want you to touch me?”

“You’ve…you’ve been through a lot,” he began.

And I…

I didn’t hear anything of what he said next as some writhing, crunching sensation filled every part of me, and I folded my other arm over my chest. Oh, gods, what did he know? What had he been told? What did he think? Panic clawed at my skin.

“I don’t know what you were told,” I said, having no idea if he’d been speaking then or not. A tremor went through me, then another and another. “But Kolis and I—I mean, he didn’t…” My teeth were starting to chatter. “Things didn’t escalate to that. I swear. He didn’t even really touch me.” Okay, that was a lie, but the rest wasn’t. “You don’t have to worry about touching me. I’m still me, you know?”

“I know you’re still you.” His dark brows lowered. “Sera—”

“Good, because I’m not…I don’t know.” My face felt like it was burning and freezing at the same time. “I’m not like…”

His chest rose, and when next he spoke, his voice sounded as pained as my chest felt. “Like what, Sera?”

I couldn’t say the words that invaded my mind. They were wrong to think, even if Kolis’s assaults hadn’t escalated. But had that not still happened? When he bit me, holding me as he found pleasure? It was different, not anywhere near as bad as what far too many people had suffered—even Veses, who had said it was nothing. But what happened to me wasn’t nothing— No.

It didn’t matter because whatever Kolis did or didn’t do, it didn’t make me what that fucking voice in my mind whispered. I knew that. Because I didn’t look at those taken in by the Ladies of Mercy as tainted. I didn’t think Aios was tainted. Gemma wasn’t dirty. I looked up at Ash. He wasn’t ruined. They were none of those things.