I feel sick now, most of the time. It has invaded all my thoughts and everything I do. I can’t get away from it. You are the only person who could make me forget, who could make me remember why this is okay, why I had to do this.
I go places where I think you’ll be and wait for you to come back. This is all I can do now: Wait. Wait to pass the time and write you these letters, which I’ll show you when I finally find you. WHERE ARE YOU!?!?!?! I want to believe you are lost, and I can help you find your way home. I am trying to have faith, but it is hard to have faith when you’re alone. I am trying.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY! I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it. I can’t be without you. WHERE ARE YOU? I am sick every night and every day. I know you love me! I know you love me! I know it I know it. But why can’t I feel it anymore? Something is fading. When the love is gone other things rise to the surface. Things I can’t think about. I will never be able to stop without you.
My hands are shaking so hard the pages are rustling. I breathe in sharp gasps. There are too many letters here, too many for me to read them all. I flip to the last page in the stack. Five words. Stark black. All alone: I DID IT FOR YOU
I let out a cry and raise my hand to my lips. No no no no no no no no. This is not possible. This can’t be real. This can’t be real. How can this be real?
I pick up the newspaper clipping about Jason’s death and I look at the date. I can’t believe I missed this before: Jason died the day Nina disappeared.
I need this not to mean what it seems like it means.
This must be a joke of some kind. Or a creative writing exercise. Or something. Or anything! I think back to the party at the Mothership. To everything Sean ever said to me there. To his willingness to help me. His insistence. The mask he wore to the party. So no one would recognize him? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I think of him gazing into my eyes. Telling me how much I looked like her. Oh God.
I hear the sound of a car pulling up outside. Sean is back. The letters are all over the floor. I run to the door and lock it with the chain. I grab the letters in handfuls and stuff them all back into the bag and then lock the lock. I can hear the sound of a key in the door. I climb up, lift the bag overhead. The doorknob is turning. I push it in between the blankets, lean back slightly, almost topple off the chair. The door is opening.
Please someone tell me what to do now.
“Ellie?” Sean’s voice is calling from outside. I get off the chair and without breathing drag it back to the desk. “Ellie?” Sean’s hand reaches in between the door and the jamb. He shakes the chain. My heart is pounding. “I can’t get in!” Sean calls out. “Are you still in the shower? Ellie?”
The shower. I tear off my clothes and run into the bathroom. I turn the water on. I can hear Sean outside calling my name. “Ellie! Ellie! Ellie! I’m locked out! I can’t get in!” The water feels like ice. I drench my head, my face. When my whole body is wet, I jump out of the shower. I hit my ankle against the side of the tub. Hard. My eyes tear up. I wrap one of the flimsy towels around myself. I turn the water off. Run back, dripping.
“Sean? Is that you?”
“Yeah, Ellie, I’m locked out!”
What can I do? What can I do? There’s nothing I can do. But he doesn’t know what I’ve seen. So I just need to keep it that way.
“Sorry!” I yell. “I’m opening it!”
I take down the chain and pull the door open. Sean is standing there, holding a clear plastic container out in front of him. “Hey, you!” he says. “I come bearing salad!”
“Hi!” I say. I try to sound normal. I’m shouting. “Were you waiting long?”
“Not too long, but why’d you lock the chain?”
“I was scared.” The water is dripping off my body onto the floor, pooling around my feet. My ankle is throbbing. “When you left, I just, I don’t know, I got freaked. Because of Nina, I guess,” I say. “I lost track of time in the shower.” I try and smile. Am I acting normal? I don’t even remember how normal people act.
“Aw, sweetie,” Sean says. He walks inside, closing the door behind him. He puts down the salad and a pink vitaminwater. “I’m sorry I left you alone for so long. Don’t worry, I won’t do it again.”
He presses his body against mine, holding me to him. It takes everything in me not to push him away. “You’re shaking,” says Sean. He rubs my arms.
“I’m cold,” I say.
I lean back and look at Sean’s face. Everything that was beautiful about him looks different to me now. His intense gray eyes are filled with something dark and sick. His sculptured cheekbones look too sharp. His lips too wet.
“Do you want to get dressed?” Sean says. His voice is soft and gentle, like he’s talking to a child. And all I can think is, How am I going to get out of this? I will go into the bathroom and put on my clothes. And then what?
And then what?