The bag is locked with a five-dial combination lock with letters where you’d normally find numbers. I tug on the lock. There’s no way I’m going to be able to break in and the leather of the bag is definitely too thick to cut through.
I’m just going to have to try and unlock it with a guess. I rotate the tiny dials as fast as I can: N-I-N-A-W
No.
J-A-S-O-N
No.
A-N-G-R-Y
No.
A-B-C-D-E
No.
I need to get into this bag.
S-E-A-N-L
Damn.
N-O-S-A-J
Shit.
W-A-N-I-N
Fuck. Now what?!
I take a deep breath and a thought pops into my head. That bathroom wall back in Nebraska. Nina’s graffiti. Cakey ?’s J. CAKEY.
I turn the tiny dials one by one. I am all sweating palms and pounding heart.
C-A-K-E-Y
I hold my breath and pull down on the lock.
It pops right open.
I breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out again. Once I see what’s in here, there will be no going back.
I lift open the top of the bag and dump the contents on the floor. The newspaper article about Jason, a pile of envelopes, a drawing, and a photograph. I pick it up. It’s of Nina and someone else…I bring the picture closer to my face so I can get a better look. Oh shit. It’s Sean’s brother, Jason.
In the picture Nina and Jason are sitting behind a giant wooden dining room table with their arms around each other, smiling these giant glowing smiles. The table in front of them is covered in the remnants of a party: wrapping paper, a big pile of what look like pink Hostess Sno Balls, beer bottles, etc. Also on the table is a snowboard covered in ink drawings of the two of them, with a bow on top. They’re sitting in front of a silver wall with a black rocket ship painted on it.
I’ve seen this wall, at the Mothership. I flip the picture over. In Nina’s handwriting: I love you J.
J as in Jason.
Oh God.
I move on to the drawing.
I smile for the briefest of seconds despite everything that’s going on. This is just so Nina. Only now I’m completely baff led because…Nina drew this for Sean? No wait…no she didn’t.
He changed it. Sean took a drawing meant for Jason and he changed the name so he could pretend it had been drawn for him. My stomach tightens and I feel like I’m about to puke.
I let the paper fall from my hand and look down at the letters. There are dozens of them.
I pick up the one on top. My hands are shaking. The letter is dated June 24, the night Nina disappeared.
Dearest Nina,
I understand how hard all of this must be for you, but I hope you know that I truly meant everything I said at Jason’s funeral. I am here for you now, to lean on, to talk to, for whatever you need. I am here for you with all my heart, and I will always be here. No matter what. I don’t actually know where I’m going to send this letter because I don’t know where you are right now. But I’m sure you’ll be back soon so I guess I’ll just keep this for you. I want us to go through this together Nina. We need each other now more than ever.
With love,
Sean
Oh my God. I flip through the stack.
Nina,
I went to the Mothership again looking for you today. I don’t understand why you’d leave and not tell me where you went? We need each other now. We are supposed to be going through this together!! No one else can understand you the way I can. No one else can be here for you now the way I can be. Why won’t you let me?
Nina, I went to the Mothership last night. Some guy said he thought you’d been staying there but that you were gone now. He hadn’t seen you in days. Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? Where are you? I need to find you. Nothing makes any sense anymore. You need me now. YOU NEED ME! Why don’t you understand that?
Nina, the police came to my house today to ask me questions about where Jason might have gotten the heroin. I told them that I had no idea. But where would they have gotten the idea that I would?
Nina,
I called your house today looking for you. Your mother got angry and told me to stop calling. It’s been almost two entire weeks since Jason went away. I’ve been trying not to sleep, because when I do the screaming starts inside my head and it doesn’t stop. I can’t get you out of my head. I feel like maybe you have an idea what I did. But anything I did, I only did for us. You must know that. Come back to me.
I flip a few letters ahead.
It’s been a month now. Where are you? Every night, when I lie down, he’s back and he’s begging me not to do it. But time is all funny and really the decision has already been made. I try and tell him that I had to…for love! But he doesn’t understand and in the dream I don’t understand, either. When I wake up, it makes less sense than it used to. Where are you? Where are you, sweet Nina? We are supposed to be going through this together. If we’re not, THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT?