“I don’t want to do it,” Sean says. He stomps his foot on the ground. “I mean, you know that, right? I’ll do you here first so you don’t have to watch, and then head off to San Francisco on my own after you’re…”
“Are you talking about…” My voice is just a whisper now. “…killing me?”
Sean looks down at the floor. “Well, when you put it that way, it sounds so harsh.” Sean smiles this funny little smile. And then he bursts into tears. He sobs in ragged gasps, his shoulders shaking. And I just watch him. He picks his head back up; he wipes his eyes with the heel of his hand. “This is what I have to do now. I wish I had a choice…”
“But you do!” I say. “You always have other choices!”
“No,” Sean says. He waves the gun back and forth like an extension of his finger. “I could never just let you go.” He’s shaking his head. “You’d tell people and then I’d never be able to make things right.” Sean is pointing the gun straight at me. He stands up and steps back. “And even if you didn’t, you don’t love me anymore and you think I’m some monster. And I just couldn’t live knowing that you think such terrible things about me. I couldn’t stand it.” His arm is shaking. Clear fluid is running out of his eyes, his nose. I strain against the belt, but it’s tied too tightly. I can’t move. I stare at the gun. I cannot believe this is real. I cannot believe this is real.
I cannot believe it ends like this.
“I have to just get this over with.” His voice is calmer now. He’s talking to himself. “I just have to do it and get it over with.” He walks forward, wraps his arms around my shoulders, and squeezes me tight. I can feel his heart pounding. “Just please,” he whispers. “Keep your eyes closed, okay?”
Ten seconds left on earth. He lets go, kisses me on the top of the head, squeezes me again, hard. Five seconds.
“Sean, wait!”
Four seconds.
“I can’t.”
Three seconds.
“WAIT!”
Two seconds.
“I’m really sorry, sweetie.”
Sean takes a deep breath. He cocks the trigger.
One second.
“Close your eyes,” he says.
Thirty-eight
"SEAN, I LOVE YOU!"
Sean freezes, his arm stuck straight out in front of him. He blinks.
“What? ”
My whole body is shaking. “Sean, don’t kill me,” I shout. “I love you! Do whatever you want to Nina. I don’t care! I don’t care, I only care about you.”
Something flickers across his face.
“You’re just saying that,” he says, “to get me to let you go.” But he wants to believe me, I can tell he wants to believe me.
“No,” I say. “I don’t want you to let me go! I want to be with you.”
“Then why…then why were you acting like that? Why were you looking at me like that before?”
“I was jealous! When I saw those letters, it made me feel sick! Because I was jealous and I wanted you to be able to love me that much.”
Sean frowns. “But why did you go into my bag then?”
“Because I love you!” I say. “Isn’t that obvious? I was feeling insecure.” I pause. “And I was worried that maybe that person who calls you all the time and hangs up really is another girl and just the idea of it makes me want to vomit and I just want you all to myself! I wanted to make sure there was no one else!”
And Sean is staring at me, wrestling within himself. I can see it on his face.
I go on. “I don’t care about Nina or your brother or anyone! I understand why you did what you did! It was only because you’re so passionate, because you really know how to love people. Because you really love with all your heart! So I don’t care what you do to Nina because I love you and that means you’re my family now. And I am your family, and we don’t need anyone else.”
Sean leans forward.
“You really love me?” He sounds so desperate.
“More than anyone I’ve ever known.”
He lowers the gun and leans in even closer. Our foreheads are touching.
“I’ll still need to go to San Francisco and take care of Nina, you understand that, right? I don’t think I’ll be able to move on until I do. It’s not fair for her to be alive when he isn’t. And I won’t be able to go on and live a normal life until everything is even. Until I make it even.” He sounds so calm now, like he could be talking about anything.
“Of course,” I say. “She deserves it. Whatever happens to her, she brought it on herself.”
He leans back. “So you’ll come with me? You’ll help me find her?”
I nod. “I’ll go anywhere you want,” I say.
“You think she’ll still be there?”
“Oh yes,” I say, and then in my loudest voice, “She’s definitely still in San Francisco. And I know just where to start looking for her when we get there, too. Right on Haight Street. We’ll find a clue as to where she is, right on Haight Street. So we’ll be there in about twelve hours, I guess. Or maybe thirteen. And we’ll go right there to Haight Street.”
Sean leans back. He’s not crying anymore, his eyes look huge, oddly beautiful, in that way sick things can be.