The tears flowed freely down Lily’s cheeks, and she let them fall. The sight of her pain moved him. He hurt for her. He could feel the pain curling inside him. And even though he didn’t yet know what had happened to Strawberry, he hurt for that little girl, too, because he knew the outcome hadn’t been good.
“Then one day I went to the orphanage to pick her up. We were going to go to the park. Strawberry and Raggedy Ann and I. But when I got there, the building…it was gone. Leveled by a bomb. I stood there in the rubble and fell to my knees and I cried like a baby. I looked for her but never found a trace.” She raised ravaged eyes. “But I found Raggedy Ann. That’s when I knew.”
“Lily…”
“That’s when I knew she was dead.” A sob escaped her.
“Shh. It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not.”
He could feel the pain coming off her, like heat rising from the desert floor in shimmering waves. He didn’t even realize it when his arms went around her. “I’m sorry, honey.”
“Something died inside me that day, Robert.”
“Nothing died inside you,” he said.
“I couldn’t believe anyone could harm innocent children. I can’t reconcile myself to that.”
He pulled back slightly. “DeBruzkya?” he asked.
She nodded, tears glistening on her cheeks. “He murdered that beautiful child. He murdered all of them. I can’t forget about her, about them.”
“No one expects you to.” Feeling helpless and ineffectual, he caressed the back of her head, wishing he could take away her pain, knowing he couldn’t. “You never told anyone this?”
“I never spoke of it after that day. It’s like I locked it away and pretended it never happened. But inside I was seething.”
“It’s not good to hold something like that inside for so long.”
“I know, but…I couldn’t accept it. And I couldn’t walk away.”
He knew she was referring to the day he’d asked her to leave with him. He’d known her for a couple of months at the time. Odd that he’d never had a clue she’d been hurting so desperately. And for the first time her refusal to leave with him made sense. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know. The time just never seemed right. What we had…it was really good. The emotions inside me were ugly. Hate. The need for revenge. I just couldn’t bring those into what we had.”
“You lost someone you loved. It’s okay to grieve.”
“I hate him,” she said. “That’s not grief.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to tell one emotion from another when you’re hurting.” When she wouldn’t look at him, he put his fingers under her chin and forced her gaze to his. “You were very brave.”
“I hurt you. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not. It’s not okay.” Pulling away slightly, she shook her head. “Now I’ve put you at risk. I’ve put my own son at risk. All because I’ve been blinded by hatred—”
“Not hatred,” he said firmly.
“It’s in my heart, like a black hole in my soul, bottomless and terrible and—”
“Love was part of it, too, Lily. You loved Strawberry.”
“Yes, I did, but—”
“You stayed because you didn’t want another child to suffer the same fate. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.” Unable to bear to see her hurting like this, he took her face in his hands and stared into her eyes. “Come on, Lily. You did what you could.”
“I failed.”
“No.”
“I’ve put my own son at risk. I’ve put you at risk. And it’s all been for nothing because DeBruzkya is going to win.”
“No, he’s not.”
“How can you know that?”
“Because I’m not going to let him.”
Robert hadn’t intended to go there, but he didn’t regret the words, because he meant them. Still, the conversation had strayed into territory he couldn’t ever discuss with her. Lily didn’t know about ARIES. She had no idea he was an agent. To tell her now—especially now—would put her in grave danger.
“Trust me,” he said gently. “And leave it at that.”
“I do.”
“I wish I could have been there for you.”
“You were,” she whispered. “You were always there. What we had…sustained me when I felt as if I couldn’t go on.”
Robert closed his eyes against a hot burst of emotion he didn’t want to feel, against words he wasn’t sure he was ready to hear.
“When you said you loved me—”
“Don’t.” Leaning forward, he set his forehead against hers and tried desperately not to feel what he knew to be true in his heart.
“I have to,” she whispered. “I have to say this.”
He pulled back slightly to meet her gaze and waited.
“After the missile hit the pub,” she began, “when I was lying in the rubble, waiting to die, waiting for the soldiers to take me…” Her voice broke, but she struggled through the words. “I dreamed you came back. You picked me up out of the rubble and carried me away from the horrors of that place. When I came to and I was alone, I realized I’d made a terrible mistake. I thought I was going to die. I waited for you, but you never came. I thought you’d deserted me.”