‘Death has a way of focusing the mind, Dr Ebbs. My world fell apart, but I learned one thing fast.’
‘And what was that?’
‘The truth.’
‘The truth?’
‘Yes. Amy was dead, and the reason for it was clear. It wasn’t just leaving her that night, the night she was killed, it was the fact that I’d been missing all the time beforehand. I failed her, Dr Ebbs.’
‘You blamed yourself?’
‘Wouldn’t you?’ He ignores this. I must learn to take a leaf out of his book.
‘It must be hard, Dr Ebbs, to put yourself in the shoes of a mad person.’
‘I don’t think you’re mad, Ellie.’
‘Don’t you?’
‘I think you could be quite sane, which in many ways, if what you say is true, makes this a whole lot worse.’
‘I’m not asking you to believe me.’
He sighs. ‘Perhaps we should finish for today, Ellie.’
‘Have you ever felt lost, Dr Ebbs? The kind of lost that stops you wanting to be found.’
‘No, Ellie, I can’t say I have.’
‘You’re lucky.’
‘I guess I am.’
‘When I found Amy, in a weird way she looked more beautiful than ever. Uncanny really, how calm I was. I even shocked myself.’ I manage to smile at this. ‘I sat talking to her, you know, stupid things, like how much she loved school, how kind she was. I didn’t say anything about being sorry, letting her down, none of that. We both knew, you see, without words. I tried to remember the last time I’d looked at her properly, made eye contact. I’d forgotten how lovely she was. How can a mother forget such things? I undid the red ribbons in her hair, they didn’t belong to her, brushed her hair out, and all the time while I was doing it, I knew.
‘Knew what?’
‘That losing her meant that nothing else mattered.’
‘You had no inclination to tell Joe what had happened?’
‘No.’
‘I find that surprising.’
‘We were beyond words, Joe and I, even from before I found Amy.’
‘So you decided to set fire to the caravan?’
‘Yes. I waited until Joe left. He had no idea she was dead. I let him think everything was as it should be. It was better that way.’
‘But when you were taken from the fire, what did you tell him then?’
‘Nothing. Not at first. He thought the worst, they all did. Words seemed pointless.’
‘And the man, did you tell Joe about him?’
‘Eventually.’
‘And?’
‘And nothing. Like the others, he’d already made up his mind.’
‘And this man you think killed Amy?’
‘What about him?’
‘You can’t be completely sure he killed her?’
‘No, but when I found her, I remembered things, things I should have paid more attention to.’
‘Like what?’
‘She said she thought he was real clever, just like me. I paid no attention to it. As I said, I guess I thought he was just one of the kids at the holiday park.’
‘That hardly makes him a killer.’
‘No. But I’d seen her with him. I mean, I didn’t know for sure it was him, but I’d seen him twice.’
‘And you didn’t think it strange? Unusual?’
‘Well no, not the first time. I figured he was one of the dads. I didn’t know his name. The first time I saw them, Amy was petting his cat.’
‘And the second time?’
‘The second time she was heading for the beach. She had just come off the pathway at the back of the sand dunes, the place she tried to show me once. I could tell they had been talking. She waved goodbye to him. I did think it odd. I mean, a grown man taking time to talk to a young girl. I’d meant to say something to her. I’d definitely meant to ask her about him. Tell her to be careful.’
‘And?’
‘I never got a chance, or never made one, I guess.’ Again my voice lowers.
‘And these things make you think he was the killer?’
‘You don’t believe me either,’ I snap back.
He ignores my last remark.
‘This man, could you recognise him now?’
‘I don’t know. It was a long time ago. But sometimes I’m surprised by what I remember and by what I forget.’
‘Shock can be indiscriminate, Ellie. It affects everyone differently.’
‘Do you know what I think about when I think about back then? I think about how numb I felt – shocked, as you say. I thought there could be nothing worse than finding Amy the way I did. Then afterwards, when the real pain came, when the shock finally wore off, I wished I could have the shock back again, for what followed, Dr Ebbs, was a whole lot worse.’
‘Ellie, do you realise the importance of what you’re saying?’
‘Dr Ebbs, don’t you get it?’
‘What?’
‘None of it matters.’
‘But you’re saying you’re innocent of the very thing that brought you here.’
‘I didn’t use the word innocent. I was never that. All the time we were in Wexford, I left her vulnerable. I wasn’t brought here because of what happened. I was brought here because they thought I was mad. Don’t waste your time, Dr Ebbs, the life I have now is my life. I’ve learned to accept it, that’s all.’