Joe Victim: A Thriller

“Hello, Joe,” she says, and she leans forward as though to hug me, and manages to restrain herself by simply touching my arm. “You look well,” she says, and there must be something wrong with her if she can smile and give me a compliment at the same time. I’m going with brain tumor. Or she’s had a stroke. I don’t ask her how she is.

“Hello, son,” Walt says, even though I’m not his son—it’s just an old-person thing to do, like forgetting to put their dentures back in or drying the poodle in the microwave. I don’t answer him and he looks away, finding something interesting in the texture of the brick wall over my shoulder, perhaps thinking the same thing I was earlier about them being timeless.

“Mom,” I say, “I’ve missed you,” which isn’t exactly true.

“I wanted to bring you some meat loaf,” she says, “but I wasn’t allowed.”

“I think it is allowed,” I say.

Walt says nothing. In fact nobody does for about ten seconds. Until my mom carries on, her beaming smile beginning to really annoy me now because it’s making me want to smile too.

“We’ve got great news,” she says, and her use of the word we’ve suggests the news isn’t going to be about me, or about me getting out of here, but about her and Walt, and unless that great news has something to do with her kicking him in the balls and setting him on fire it isn’t something I want to hear.

“I hate it in here,” I say. “I didn’t do any of the things they say I did, or at least I don’t remember doing them. I’m sick. I don’t even know how they could think—”

“We’re getting married!” she says.

“Plus there are some people here that want to kill me. They have to keep me in a separate—”

“Can you believe that? Married! Could life be any better?” she asks.

“It could be, if there weren’t people in here who want me dead.”

“We’re in love,” she says, “and we see no reason to wait. We’re going to marry next week. It’s all so sudden, but exciting! We want you to be there.”

“I was hoping you could be my best man,” Walt says.

“Oh, what a wonderful idea,” Mom says, and squeezes Walt’s arm while giving him a look she has never given me—a look that I imagine can only be described as loving.

Walt looks happy to have gotten the squeeze. That better be all he’s getting.

“You’re getting married,” I say, finally letting her words settle. “Married.”

“Yes, married, Joe. On Monday. I’m over the moon!” Mom says.

“I might not be able to make it.” I say.

“Because of the jail thing?” Mom asks. “I’m sure they can arrange for you to be released for the wedding. I’ll talk to somebody about it.”

“It won’t happen,” I say. “There is no chance at all. My trial starts the same day.”

“Then it’s perfect,” she says. “You’ll already be out of jail. We only need you for an hour.”

“I don’t think the police are going to agree to that.”

“Don’t be so negative,” she says.

“Why don’t you wait until I’m released?”

“Why do you have to always be difficult?”

“I’m not trying to be difficult,” I tell her.

“You are trying, and well done, Joe, because you’re succeeding. Already you’re ruining our day!”

“Perhaps leave the boy alone, dear,” Walt says. “He’ll come around in his own time. It can’t be easy on him getting a new father.”

Mom seems to think about what Walt says, which is a new trick because I don’t think she’s ever thought about anything I ever said. “No, I guess it can’t be,” she says, still giving me a sour look.

“I’m not trying to be difficult,” I say again. “It’s just that, well, the people on TV seem to think I’m guilty, but you can never trust those guys,” I say, and I know the news is all about sales, all about selling fear, and isn’t an accurate representation of how the country is feeling. “What about the newspapers? What do they say?”

“I don’t know,” Mom answers.

“You don’t know?”

“We haven’t been reading them,” Walt says.

“We just haven’t been keeping up on the news,” Mom offers. “We don’t watch it and we don’t read it.”

“But I am the news. Surely you’d keep up on me.”

“The news is depressing,” Mom says.

“And depressing,” Walt adds.

“We haven’t been following the news at all. Why would we?” Mom says.

“Because I’m in the news,” I say.

“Well, how am I supposed to know that?” Mom asks, sounding short.

“You’d know if you cared enough to turn on a TV and watch anything other than one of those damn English dramas.”

“God, we have to tell you,” Walt says, and he leans forward. “Last night, you wouldn’t believe who turned out to be Karen’s real father.”

“It was exciting,” Mom says.

I listen to them tell me about the program, and I store the information and I think about Pickle and Jehovah, my goldfish from another life, and how I’d tell them about the same program, and I wonder if they used to think the same thing I’m thinking now. I hope not. I miss them. My little pets with their five-second memories—they wouldn’t even remember dying.