A Stranger in the Mirror

chapter 26
It was the most tremendous role in Jill's life.

She had no idea why Toby wanted her so much when he could have any girl in Hollywood, nor did the reason matter. The fact was that he did. For days Jill had been able to think of nothing but the dinner party and how everyone there - all those important people - had catered to Toby. They would do anything for him. Somehow, Jill had to find a way to make Toby do anything for her. She knew she had to be very clever. Toby's reputation was that once he took a girl to bed, he lost interest in her. It was the pursuit he enjoyed, the challenge. Jill spent a great deal of time thinking about Toby and about how she was going to handle him.

Toby telephoned her every day and she let a week go by before she agreed to have dinner with him again. He was in such a euphoric state that everyone in the cast and crew commented on it.

"If there were such an animal," Toby told Clifton, "I'd say I was in love. Every time I think about Jill, I get an erection." He grinned and added, "And when I get an erection, pal, it's like putting up a billboard on Hollywood Boulevard."

The night of their first date, Toby picked Jill up at her apartment and said, "We have a table at Chasen's." He was sure it would be a treat for her.

"Oh?" There was a note of disappointment in Jill's voice.

He blinked. "Is there someplace else you'd rather go?" It was Saturday night, but Toby knew he could get a table anywhere: Perino's, the Ambassador, the Derby. "Name it."

Jill hesitated, then said, "You'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Tommy's."

Toby was getting a poolside massage from one of the Macs, while Clifton Lawrence looked on. "You wouldn't believe it," Toby marveled. "We stood in line at that hamburger joint for twenty minutes. Do you know where the hell Tommy's is? Downtown Los Angeles. The only people who go to downtown Los Angeles are wetbacks. She's crazy. I'm ready to blow a hundred bucks on her with French champagne and the whole bit, and the evening costs me two dollars and forty cents. I wanted to take her to Pip's afterward. Do you know what we did instead? We walked along the beach at Santa Monica. I got sand in my Guccis. No one walks along the beach at night. You get mugged by scuba divers." He shook his head in admiration. "Jill Castle. Do you believe her?"

"No," Clifton said dryly.

"She wouldn't come back to my place for a little nightcap, so I figured I'd get in the kip at her place, right?"

"Right."

"Wrong. She doesn't even let me in the door. I get a kiss on my cheek and I'm on my way home, alone. Now what the hell kind of night out on the town is that for Charlie-superstar?"

"Are you gonna see her again?"

"Are you demented? You bet your sweet ass I am!"

After that, Toby and Jill were together almost every night. When Jill would tell Toby she could not see him because she was busy or had an early morning call, Toby would be in despair. He telephoned Jill a dozen times a day.

He took her to the most glamorous restaurants and the most exclusive private clubs in town. In return, Jill took him to the old boardwalk in Santa Monica and the Trancas Inn and the little French family restaurant called Taix and to Papa DeCarlos and all the other out-of-the-way places a struggling actress with no money learns about. Toby did not care where he went, as long as Jill was with him.

She was the first person he had ever known who made his feeling of loneliness vanish.

Toby was almost afraid to go to bed with Jill now, for fear the magic might disappear. And yet he wanted her more than he had ever desired any woman in his life. Once, at the end of an evening, when Jill was giving him a light good night kiss, Toby reached between her legs and said, "God, Jill, I'll go crazy if I can't have you." She pulled back and said coldly, "If that's all you want, you can buy it anywhere in town for twenty dollars." She slammed the door in his face. Afterward, she leaned against the door, trembling, afraid that she had gone too far. She lay awake all night, worrying.

The next day Toby sent her a diamond bracelet, and Jill knew that everything was all right. She returned the bracelet with a carefully thought-out note. "Thank you, anyway. You make me feel very beautiful."

"It cost me three grand," Toby told Clifton proudly, "and she sends it back!" He shook his head incredulously. "What do you think of a girl like that?"

Clifton could have told him exactly what he thought, but all he said was, "She's certainly unusual, dear boy."

"Unusual!" Toby exclaimed. "Every broad in this town is on the make for everything they can get their hot little hands on. Jill is the first girl I've ever met who doesn't give a damn about material things. Do you blame me for being crazy about her?"

"No," Clifton said. But he was beginning to get worried. He knew all about Jill, and he wondered if he should not have spoken up sooner.

"I wouldn't object if you wanted to take Jill on as a client," Toby said to Clifton. "I'll bet she could be a big star."

Clifton parried it deftly but firmly. "No, thanks, Toby. One superstar on my hands is enough." He laughed.

That night Toby repeated the remark to Jill.

After his unsuccessful attempt with Jill, Toby was careful not to broach the subject of their going to bed together. Toby was actually proud of Jill for refusing him. All the other girls he had gone with had been doormats. But not Jill. When Toby did something Jill thought was out of line, she told him so. One night Toby tongue-lashed a man who was pestering him for an autograph. Later, Jill said, "It's funny when you're sarcastic on stage, Toby, but you hurt that man's feelings."

Toby had gone back to the man and apologized.

Jill told Toby that she thought his drinking so much was not good for him. He cut down on his consumption. She made a casually critical remark about his clothes, and he changed tailors. Toby allowed Jill to say things that he would not have tolerated from anyone else in the world. No one had ever dared boss him around or criticize him.

Except, of course, his mother.

Jill refused to accept money or expensive gifts from Toby, but he knew that she could not have much money, and her courageous behavior made Toby even more proud of her. One evening at Jill's apartment, while Toby was waiting for her to finish dressing before dinner, he noticed a stack of bills in the living room. Toby slipped them into his pocket and the next day ordered Clifton to pay them. Toby felt as though he had scored a victory. But he wanted to do something big for Jill, something important.

And he suddenly knew what it was going to be.

"Sam - I'm going to do you a great big favor!"

Beware of stars bearing gifts, Sam Winters thought wryly.

"You've been going crazy looking for a girl for Keller's picture, right?" Toby asked. "Well, I got her for you."

"Anyone I know?" Sam inquired.

"You met her at my house. Jill Castle."

Sam remembered Jill. Beautiful face and figure, black hair. Far too old to play the teen-ager in the Keller movie. But if Toby Temple wanted her to test for the part, Sam was going to oblige. "Have her come in to see me this afternoon," he said.

Sam saw to it that Jill Castle's test was carefully handled. She was given one of the studio's top cameramen, and Keller himself directed the test.

Sam looked at the rushes the following day. As he had guessed, Jill was too mature for the part of the young girl. Aside from that, she was not bad. What she lacked was charisma, the magic that leaped out from the screen.

He telephoned Toby Temple. "I looked at Jill's test this morning, Toby. She photographs well, and she can read lines, but she's not a leading lady. She could earn a good living playing minor roles, but if she has her heart set on becoming a star, I think she's in the wrong business."

Toby picked up Jill that evening to take her to a dinner being given for a celebrated English director who had just arrived in Hollywood. Jill had been looking forward to it.

She opened the door for Toby and the moment he entered she knew that something was wrong. "You heard some news about my test," she said.

He nodded reluctantly. "I talked to Sam Winters." He told her what Sam had said, trying to soften the blow.

Jill stood there listening, not saying a word. She had been so sure. The part had felt so right. Out of nowhere came the memory of the gold cup in the department-store window. The little girl had ached with the wanting and the loss; Jill felt the same feelings of despair now.

Toby was saying, "Look, honey, don't worry about it. Winters doesn't know what he's talking about."

But he did know! She was not going to make it. All the agony and the pain and the hope had been for nothing. It was as though her mother had been right and a vengeful God was punishing Jill for she knew not what. She could hear the preacher screaming, See that little girl? She will burn in Hell for her sins if she does not give her soul up to God and repent. She had come to this town with love and dreams, and the town had degraded her.

She was overcome with an unbearable feeling of sadness and she was not even aware that she was sobbing until she felt Toby's arm around her.

"Sh! It's all right," he said, and his gentleness made her cry all the harder.

She stood there while he held her in his arms and she told him about her father dying when she was born, and about the gold cup and the Holy Rollers and the headaches and the nights filled with terror while she waited for God to strike her dead. She told him about the endless, dreary jobs she had taken in order to become an actress and the series of failures. Some deep-rooted instinct kept her from mentioning the men in her life. Although she had started out playing a game with Toby, she was now beyond pretense. It was in this moment of her naked vulnerability that she reached him. She touched a chord deep within him that no one else had ever struck.

He took out his pocket handkerchief and dried her tears. "Hey, if you think you had it tough," he said, "listen to this. My old man was a butcher and..."

They talked until three o'clock in the morning. It was the first time in his life Toby had talked to a girl as a human being. He understood her. How could he not; she was him.

Neither of them ever knew who made the first move. What had started as a gentle, understanding comforting slowly became a sensual, animal wanting. They were kissing hungrily, and he was holding her tightly. She could feel his maleness pressing against her. She needed him and he was taking off her clothes, and she was helping him and then he was naked in the dark beside her, and there was an urgency in both of them. They went to the floor. Toby entered her and Jill moaned once at the enormous size of him, and Toby started to withdraw. She pulled him closer to her, holding him fiercely. He began to make love to her then, filling her, completing her, making her body whole. It was gentle and loving and it kept building and became frantic and demanding and suddenly it was beyond that. It was an ecstasy, an unbearable rapture, a mindless animal coupling, and Jill was screaming, "Love me, Toby! Love me, love me!" His pounding body was on her, in her, was part of her, and they were one.

They made love all night and talked and laughed, and it was as though they had belonged together always.

If Toby had thought he cared for Jill before, he was insane about her now. They lay in bed, and he held her in his arms protectively, and he thought wonderingly, This is what love is. He turned to gaze at her. She looked warm and disheveled and breathtakingly beautiful, and he had never loved anyone so much. He said, "I want to marry you."

It was the most natural thing in the world.

She hugged him tightly and said, "Oh, yes, Toby." She loved him and she was going to marry him.

And it was not until hours later that Jill remembered why all this had started in the first place. She had wanted Toby's power. She had wanted to pay back all the people who had used her, hurt her, degraded her. She had wanted vengeance.

Now she was going to have it.