Suddenly, the contact between our hands is making me anxious. I carefully pull away, and as soon as I do, I regret it.
His presence goes from being welcome to unwanted, back and forth, like my mind doesn’t know what to make of him. My body doesn’t know how to react to him. One moment, I like that I’m touching him. The next, I wish he were far away.
My life is a world of opposites. One instant I’m safe in my forge; the next I’m on the run for my life. One second I’m fine, and then I’m lost to despair and panic.
I can’t control any of it.
And I hate that.
I am more than my fears and weaknesses, but so much of the time, they’re all I can think about.
“Could I have some time to myself?” I ask him.
“Of course.”
It’s only after he’s gone that I realize he didn’t make one comment on the fact that I find him handsome. That I wanted to touch him. He simply took my hands, as though he only wished to give me what I wanted.
* * *
Petrik groans every time he moves. “My knees hurt. My feet hurt. My backside. My back. My neck. How is that possible?”
Today was his first time riding in his own saddle, and when we dismount, Petrik lands on his feet—but they quickly give way, and he collapses into the dirt.
Temra comes to his rescue, putting her hands beneath his arms and scooting him out of the way, while Kellyn and I take care of his horse.
“You need to take your feet out of the stirrups and give them time for the blood to rush back in before dismounting,” she says to him. “For next time.”
“I’m never getting on a horse again!” he whines.
“We still have a long ways to go.”
Something akin to a whimper comes out of his mouth.
We unsaddle the horses and give them long leads so they can roam for grass and have easy access to the nearby river.
Temra unpacks the bedrolls. Petrik unwraps the food. I check the horses’ hooves for rocks, and Kellyn sets up the tents we stole from Kymora’s soldiers. There were enough for each of us to have our own, but I asked Temra if we could continue to share.
I sense eyes on me as I bend over and lift my mare’s front right hoof. Kellyn has been trying to meet my gaze since our last private conversation. When we touched. When I admitted the truth about the sword’s origins.
But I don’t return the look, and I’ve avoided being alone with him.
In fact, I’ve been terrified of even the possibility of it.
Because since that—that touching, my mind has wandered to other things.
When I feel his eyes leave me, I risk my own casual glance in his direction. I stare at the long muscles in his arms, the way his biceps move as he maneuvers the tent poles into place.
And I think about what it might feel like to curl my fingers around one of his arms.
He’s so big. I’m used to being taller than most men, but Kellyn has inches on me. How far would he need to bend down to—
I startle at the thought.
To kiss me.
At first the thought is terrifying, but the more I try to imagine it, he and I so close, my curiosity piques.
What would it feel like to have another set of lips touch mine? Not just any lips. But his? Would that grin smooth out long enough to become caught up in a kiss? Or would he smile through the whole thing, considering it a victory?
I try to imagine details, but I can’t. I’ve of course seen people kissing before, but I usually look away quickly, because such a scene makes me uncomfortable.
I can’t quite imagine how our mouths would move in unison. But I do know that I want to wrap my hand around his arm, maybe slide it across his chest, or touch his hair.
All at once the scene in my head turns from petrifying to thrilling.
But when Kellyn starts to turn back in my direction—
Fear.
Fear takes over.
CHAPTER
EIGHTEEN
We see the towers long before we arrive in Briska. The city is tall: The homes are thin and built straight up into the air with five or more stories. Kellyn tells us that these are apartments that fit multiple families on each floor.
A shudder goes through me at the thought. As if it weren’t enough to have people on either side of you. Now they’re being placed above and beneath.
I can’t even imagine how many people must be crammed into this city if it’s so vast and the buildings are also growing upward.
It’s okay. We’re not staying here. We’re just passing through to get to Galvinor.
But my mind is spinning out of control at the thought of having to stay overnight here. I’m certain I would rather die than stay here.
I’d rather be covered in red ants.
Or rolled down a hill in a barrel full of nails.
Or covered in honey and thrust into a bear den.
“Ziva,” Temra says cautiously, like she needs to talk me down from a ledge.
She just might.
I swallow, unable to take my eyes off the towerlike homes in the distance.
“Okay, and we’re just going to turn this way for a moment.” Temra grabs my reins and turns my mare around, back toward the road we just traveled on. “And breathe, Ziva.”
“Stop coddling me,” I snap. Then, “No, I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry. It’s just so big. And—”
Kellyn steers his horse in front of me so I’m forced to look at him. He eyes my face carefully before asking, “What are you afraid of?”
“Don’t act all surprised. You’ve seen me at my worst before.” So embarrassing. The way he witnessed my fit in the woods.
“I’m just wondering what’s causing it. I want to understand.”
Why? “It’s the people. I don’t want to be surrounded by so many.”
He quirks his head to the side. “They’re not going to hurt you.”
“If it was a rational fear that I could just explain away to myself, believe me, I would have done it by now. This isn’t something I can control. It’s nothing you can fix. It’s just something I live with.”
Kellyn opens his mouth, but Temra interrupts him. “I have a fear of spiders. I know most of them aren’t poisonous. I know most of them don’t even bite. I know I’m way bigger than they are. Doesn’t matter. I see a spider and I lose it. We all have something like that. Don’t you give Ziva a hard time because you don’t understand hers.”
Again, I think the mercenary tries to defend himself, when Petrik says, “I don’t like being alone in the dark.”
Kellyn snaps his head in the scholar’s direction. “Because monsters might come after you?”
Petrik ignores him. “One time I was in the library all alone, and someone blew out the candles, not knowing I was still reading. I had to feel my way to the exit.” Petrik takes a deep breath, trying to dispel the thought.
Then we all look to Kellyn expectantly.
“What? I don’t have any irrational fears.”
“Liar,” Temra says. “Everybody has one.”
“Well, I don’t.”
Petrik turns to me. “I think someone has an irrational fear of being vulnerable.” He almost sings the last word.
Kellyn narrows his eyes. “I do not.”
“Oh, he definitely does,” Temra agrees.
I can’t help it, I’m grinning like an idiot. I needed these people on this journey. I couldn’t have done it without them. Was there a higher power who knew that? Were the Sisters involved? Or was it fate?
I don’t feel any better about the city in general, but just knowing these three are with me gives me strength.
I turn my horse around.
* * *
No one tries to talk to us or welcome us into the city. People go about their business and keep to themselves. A young gentleman walks two dogs on a lead. An older woman carries bags of groceries toward her home, and no one offers to help her.
I like it.
Until I notice children begging for money in the streets. Temra breaks away from us for a moment to buy them all a meal from one of the vendors.
With a bigger city also comes more poverty and garbage. The streets are filthy, covered in human refuse and rotting food and muddied scraps of parchment.
“Oh, not that way,” Kellyn says, steering us to the right fork in the road instead of the left.
“Why?” Petrik asks. “What’s down there?”
“Less reputable businesses.”
“You mean, like a den of prostitutes?” Temra asks.