Maybe it’s the seclusion of the forest, but I haven’t felt this good in a long time. We have nothing, and yet, it somehow feels as though we have everything.
Along the way, we pick mushrooms and berries and nuts that Kellyn says are edible. Though they’re not very tasty, they fill our bellies enough. That night, Kellyn assures us no one else will be on the trail, so he and Petrik take turns rubbing a stick between their fingers down onto a bigger stick to make a fire from scratch. We’ve no blankets or anything else, so we clear the ground of rocks and other hard objects before Temra and I lie side by side on our backs for warmth.
“Don’t get any ideas, scholar,” Kellyn says to him.
Temra pats the ground on her other side. “You can sleep next to me.”
Petrik visibly swallows before listening.
“No, come closer,” she says. “How do you intend to keep me warm that way?”
Petrik scoots until he’s pressed up right against her.
Kellyn stands alone by the fire, but I meet his eyes, glance down at the spot beside me, then back at him.
I wasn’t trying to issue an invitation. I was honestly just taking note of where that left Kellyn to sleep. But he sits beside me on the ground before stretching out with one arm behind his head, the other at his side, accidentally brushing my fingers.
I flinch at the contact before forcing myself to relax. It’s not like he purposely grabbed my hand.
Except then he does.
He plays with my fingers, warming them, massaging them. He alternates between sliding his fingers between mine to secure me in a grip and then loosening them to feel my skin.
I can’t look at him. I stare straight up into the treetops and starlit sky.
I could stop him if I wanted. It would be so easy. Just move my arm or roll over and put my back to him.
But it’s also so easy to just be still. To let myself feel the delicious heat from where our bodies touch without my anxieties getting out of control. Because I don’t have to say anything. I’m not being put on display. This is so simple.
Why can’t it always be this simple?
After maybe a couple minutes of my heart racing, I find myself starting to relax.
And become brave.
I shrug my hand out of his grip, and he lets me go immediately. I think he’s about to roll over to give me my space.
I feel my insecurities wanting to take over. He didn’t actually want to touch you. He’s done with you now. He wants to be left alone.
But there’s another voice in my head. He likes you. He only wants to be respectful of your wishes. You just have to let him know what they are.
So I take his arm in a firm grip to still him, then let my fingers trail over the skin between his wrist and elbow. The top is rough with hair, but the bottom is so smooth yet hardened with muscle.
A little noise escapes Kellyn. One of surprise?
Or maybe I stepped too far?
No, not that. Because he’s suddenly even closer than he was before, so much so that I can’t fit my arm between us anymore. He picks up my arm and pulls it across his chest so he can continue to play with my fingers, this time with his other hand.
I let out a long breath as quietly as I can. I’m not going to forget how to breathe just because he’s touching me.
Over time, his caresses slow, and his breathing lengthens. He puts his mouth up to my ear. “Try to sleep. We’ve still a long way to go.”
Then his hand stills, holding mine clasped in his.
Is he serious?
I can’t sleep with him next to me. Touching me.
Long after I hear Temra’s and Kellyn’s breathing slow, I’m still staring up at the sky, my body going stiff from being in the same position. Carefully, I take my hand back so I can turn on my side, facing him.
And though he’s asleep, he somehow moves with me anyway. He wedges the arm closest to me under my head and pulls me flush up against his side.
And I suspect that he’s not sleeping at all, but I’ll let him pretend.
* * *
I don’t remember falling asleep or waking up. I’m suddenly just alert.
The first thing I notice is that Temra isn’t quite next to me anymore. No, she’s rolled over, practically on top of Petrik. They’re in a really embarrassing position. Though Temra wouldn’t be embarrassed by it, I can imagine how Petrik’s cheeks will heat.
Then I realize there’s movement above me. A chest moving in and out.
I turn my head.
Kellyn has one arm thrown over me, his head resting on my shoulder, blowing his heated breath into my neck.
At first I think to jump up, but I can’t do that. That would be rude while he’s trying to sleep.
So I watch him.
I take in what I can see of that long body, those muscled arms and flat chest. His nose is so sharp, his cheekbones so high. And that hair—
A beam of light breaks through the trees and lands directly on those golden-red locks, setting them ablaze.
Dear heavens.
After a few minutes, the beam moves to his eyes, and then he starts to turn his head from side to side.
I hastily shut my eyes and force myself to relax, faking sleep.
I hear his breathing change. He moves slightly, lifting his head, I think.
I wait for him to get up, to nudge me away or something, anything. But he’s still. Watching me. I can feel his eyes burning holes onto my face.
And I don’t know how, but I feel the exact moment they drop to my lips.
I remember the fascination, and almost delight, when he brought up the freckles on my lips.
My breath rushes into me, and I have to open my eyes. I probably should put more effort into acting as though I’ve just woken up, but I don’t.
My eyes shoot open and I find him so close, closer than he was before when I was admiring him. He eyes my lips meaningfully, as though asking for permission.
For one second, I think to nod my assent.
But then I remember that Temra and Petrik are just a few feet away. He can’t possibly kiss me when they’re right there.
So I feign misunderstanding. I smile at him before stretching and sitting up.
It doesn’t escape my attention that I was going to let him kiss me if Temra and Petrik weren’t right there. It’s a sobering thought. One that makes me want to get far away from the mercenary.
Coward that I am, I walk over to Temra and rub her shoulder.
“We should get going,” I say once she stirs.
Petrik is still fast asleep, so she reaches over and drags a finger gently down his nose before tapping his lips.
I look away, blushing. How can she be so direct with her flirting? I don’t care if it’s meaningless or if she’s got feelings for the scholar. Either way, she never seems to care if she has an audience—no matter what it is.
I wish I had her fearlessness. I wish I could rid myself of the sinking sensation that feels like falling whenever I’m on display. I wish it didn’t become hard to breathe when someone new wants to strike up a conversation. I wish I wasn’t helpless in a crowd. I wish my body didn’t dictate how I’m supposed to react to things. That I could just tell it, Behave, and it would listen.
I wish I could separate myself from the fear, to learn who I truly am.
CHAPTER
TWENTY
When Kellyn announces that we’ve arrived at the village, I’m confused. The landscape looks exactly the same as it has for the last week or so. Beautiful forest country. Wild greenery. Small mammals and birds.
But then Kellyn points to something.
A fence post.
And farther ahead, horses grazing.
Kellyn mentioned that the village consisted of nothing but farming families, but I hadn’t quite imagined this. Log cabin–style homes, acres and acres between lots. Trees in every yard. Children playing outdoors. Men and women working with plows and hoes on their land.
Everyone wants to talk. Kellyn is easily recognized, and he takes the time to converse briefly with his neighbors.
After the fourth visit, I whisper harshly, “Isn’t it better if no one knows you’re visiting?”
“Who are they going to tell? Most of the people here have never left the village. They’ll live their whole lives here and die here.”