“You never call me by my name. It’s always ‘bladesmith.’”
“I didn’t want to get too attached.”
“And now?”
He mumbles something that sounds a lot like “too late,” but I can’t be sure.
“I thought it was over,” I say. “I thought the warlord had us. I thought I would lose my sister, that I would be a slave for the rest of my life, knowing that I had brought about the destruction of the world.
“I thought for just a moment you’d left us to that fate,” I continue. “I saw you running off with our money … But I also knew it wasn’t you. You didn’t look right, and you betraying us didn’t make sense. But it was your face! If I’d just put the truth together—”
“Kymora’s men would have caught up to you eventually,” Kellyn says. “It was only a matter of time. They knew where we were, and if their trick didn’t work, they would have found a way to surround you later on. By then, I might have been long gone and unable to save you.”
I swallow, and the sound feels as loud as thunder in the quiet.
“Why didn’t you use the sword before when we were in trouble?” he asks.
“I didn’t want you to know what it does. I’m not a skilled swordswoman, I fear hurting someone I don’t mean to with it. And … I don’t want to kill anyone. It’s not the kind of weapon that can only wound. I never want to wield it. That might make me weak in your eyes, but—”
“No. Not wanting to kill is in no way a flaw, Ziva. I hope you never have to.”
He’s rubbing my arms gently, spreading heat back into my limbs.
I ask, “Why did you come after us? You had the money. You had no further obligation to us. Why would you save us?”
He gently turns me. I swipe the moisture away from under my eyes. He sees the motion but says nothing of it. “Because I said I would return the money to you. I promised. I had to save you to keep my word.”
I make myself look him in the eye. “You were so outnumbered. You had to think you wouldn’t win. So why would you endanger yourself? If it was just about keeping your word, you could have dropped the money when you caught up to us and taken off running.”
He rubs the back of his neck with one hand. “They were about to kill the scholar. I felt sorry for the man.”
“Right.”
A lengthy pause.
“And I saw them holding you. They were trying to take you away. I didn’t think. I acted. I didn’t care how many men were in that clearing, because I didn’t even see them. All I saw was you in danger and so I fought.”
A delicious, light feeling sweeps through my veins. It starts at my heart and bursts toward my fingertips.
But then it disappears, and I panic, struggling to think of a single thing to say to him in response. The pause goes on too long; I’m sure it does. I step back out of his reach.
“That sword,” Kellyn says, “you should have told me about it.”
“It’s so dangerous. The fewer people who know about it the better.” I fiddle with my fingers, popping the joints and twisting the skin. I look down. More quietly, I whisper, “Knowing about the sword wouldn’t have stopped Kymora’s men from discovering you’re helping us.”
“I know.”
“But that’s not what you’re upset about. It’s that I didn’t trust you with it.”
“Yes.”
“I-if it means anything to you, I trust you now.”
I hear the breath enter his lungs. “It does mean something to me.”
I bite the inside of my cheek at the next break in conversation. Maybe I need to show him that I trust him? “Do you want to carry Secret Eater on the way to Galvinor? You’re the only one I’d trust to wield it.”
“I’m never touching it again,” he says before the words have quite left my mouth. “It feels … wrong when I hold it. Like it wasn’t meant for me.”
“Okay.”
At the next pause, I can feel the tension between us, thick as a cloud of smoke. I want it to abate.
He wants to forgive me. I want to forgive him.
But is it all irreparable?
“I can’t change the fact that Kymora will soon know about you,” I say. “But how can I make things better?”
Kellyn once said something similar to me. I wonder if he catches that.
When he doesn’t answer right away, I look up.
He was waiting for that. His eyes latch on to mine. “I want nothing else kept from me. No more lies. No more secrets. Is there anything more I should know?”
“Nothing,” I say.
But then I realize that’s not quite true. “Except, well…”
He raises a brow. “Well?”
I groan.
“What?” he asks.
“I really don’t want to tell you.”
“Ziva, no more secrets. You said you trusted me.”
“It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s that I don’t want you to know.”
“Why?”
“It’s embarrassing.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad. Whatever it is, you can tell me, and I’ll try not to react poorly.”
I groan again, attempt to gather my courage. “You’re connected to the sword in more ways than you think.” I bury my face into my hands and mumble the story. “I saw you before we met when you came into my shop. I was in the forge, working on Secret Eater. I hadn’t added the magic yet when you walked by on the street. And then … it was magicked.”
“I’m not following.”
“I may have said something about you aloud. A secret. And the sword ate it.”
“What did you say?”
“I don’t remember the exact words.”
His hands curl around my fingers, pulling them from my face. “Yes, you do. What were the words, Ziva?”
I glare at him. “I’m only telling you this because I feel bad about putting you in danger against your will.”
He’s trying his best to keep from grinning, waiting.
“You have to understand, I don’t like people,” I say.
“You’ve said this before.”
“No, I mean, I don’t like people. I’ve never been attracted to anyone before.” Though he has my hands out of my face, I stare at his neck, unable to look any higher. “I’ve never met anyone who didn’t terrify me to the point of wanting to run the other way. I have these attacks, like the one you just witnessed. I panic a lot, and I’m scared all the time for reasons I can’t even really explain, except that the fear is always tied to people.
“But then I saw you, and you were beautiful. And for the first time in my life, I wanted to be close to someone physically. And that longing—combined with the spoken desire to touch you—it gave the sword its long-range abilities.” The last words come out as a whisper. But then, louder, I press on. I can’t allow him a chance to respond to that. It’s too humiliating. “Now you know everything. Is there anything you’d like to tell me?”
I still won’t look at him. I don’t want to see his expression.
“Didn’t the sword tell you everything about me?” he asks.
“Only some things. I’m asking if there’s anything else. Now that you know what’s at stake and everything we’re running from and protecting. Is there anything I should know?”
“No. We’re good, Ziva.”
I let out a breath of air, finally allowing myself a look at his face. I expect to be met with a haughty expression.
Instead, Kellyn is looking at me like he’s never seen me before.
As though he likes everything that he sees.
He takes my hands in his, just holds them in between us. Before I can decide whether I want to pull away, Kellyn rubs his fingers over my knuckles as he says, “I heard their secrets. All the men and women I killed with that sword. One was cheating on his wife. Another was thinking of defecting from Kymora’s service; she just couldn’t decide where to hide, considering a life in the mountains. One was stealing money from his fellow soldiers. One of the women fancied another soldier in the ranks. Almost all of them were afraid of death. I heard it. Their fears. It was horrible. It was too much, so much that it made me sick.
“I’d never held it before,” he continues. “The sword is … heavy.”
“It’s weighted with my secrets. They’re what give it power.”