Chapter Twenty
Demetri
Note to self, this looked way easier in the movies and music
videos. Why the hell was I shimmying up this girl’s house, when a
normally sane person would go through the door? I mean, come
on. It was ten. Nobody went to bed at ten. I was sure her parents
were still up watching Wheel of Fortune or crap reality TV.
My foot slipped, making my face slam against the roof.
I waited for a few seconds before continuing my climb. I
really hoped that was her room, because if it wasn’t, I was probably
going to get arrested. But it was the only room with the light on
upstairs, and I heard the TV downstairs. I just figured she’d be the
sulking type.
I mean, I was the king of all sulking. I noticed it in others.
Finally, I reached the window and peered in. Yes, I peered in
like the creepy stalker I was.
Alyssa was leaning back against her bed listening to music.
Well, that was a plus. At least she was listening to music. Though,
seriously if I had to tour with Justin Bieber or One Direction the
next year I was going to shit a brick. I could not, and I repeat, could
not handle competition in my fragile state. Especially if she liked
them. I may have to steal her iPod. Great, now I was stealing.
I knocked on the window.
She jerked her head in my direction, her mouth dropped
open, and then she pulled a blanket around her.
Holy hell, she was wearing the tiniest shorts I’d ever had the
pleasure of seeing. They were white. Damn. Parents should warn
their daughters about what wearing white does to guys. It
immediately makes me want to peel them off of her. Her small
black tank top wasn’t helping matters. The tank top said Cheer.
You can take the girl away from cheerleading, but
apparently can’t take cheerleading away from the girl. What the
crap? Did I really just say that in my head? I should probably be on
meds.
I knocked again.
She glared and shook her head no.
I lifted my shirt and showed her my abs.
She laughed. See? I could be funny and relaxed.
With a very exaggerated eye roll, she walked over to the
window and opened it up. I slipped in and immediately kissed her
on the mouth, not caring that she was probably going to slap me
any second.
Instead, she kissed me back.
I lifted her up into my arms and pulled her against me. She
wrapped her arms around my neck and let out a tiny moan.
It was my undoing.
I gently placed her back on her feet and went to close the
window. I grabbed her arm and led her to the bed where I pushed
her up against it.
“Why are you here?” she asked between kisses.
I chose to ignore all questions, considering all I really
wanted were my hands everywhere on her body. They had a mind
of their own as they roamed across her smooth skin, lifting her shirt
just enough to give me a tease of her flat stomach.
“Demetri.” She pushed against me. This time I relented.
“I can’t let you go,” I whispered.
“What?” She tried to back away from me but she was
trapped between my body and the bed. She wasn’t going
anywhere.
“I mean…” I snuck in another kiss. “You can push all you
want, but I’m not going anywhere.” I grabbed a fistful of her hair
and let it fall between my fingers. The air filled with the smell of
coconut.
“Even if that’s what’s best for me?”
“You don’t know what’s best for you.” I shook my head. “If
you had it your way, you’d still be sitting alone in your room
wearing Brady’s old sweatshirts and flipping through your high
school yearbook. Alyssa, that’s not life. This, what you’re living,
isn’t real.”
Her eyes flashed, and she pushed against my chest. “What
makes you the expert? Huh? You have no idea! I mean, you said so
yourself! You lost your girlfriend, but you weren’t even with her at
the time! You don’t understand!”
I could tell I was pushing her toward the edge, and even
though what she said hurt, I knew that if I didn’t allow her to snap
she would stay in her tiny little bubble and never fulfill whatever
her purpose was for her life.
She reminded me of baby eagles; the moms push them out
of the nest the in hopes they will learn to fly. The babies constantly
fall, but eventually after one final push, they make it and learn to
survive on their own.
Alyssa needed to get out of her nest.
Shit. I needed to get out of my nest. Everything I said to her I
was saying to myself too. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and live your
life, you ass!
Sometimes, when love pushes you, it’s time to pull until you
snap. I was going to be the catalyst for that, why? Because I cared,
possibly loved her too much to see her continue this way.
“You’re being selfish,” I said, releasing her body so she
could get away from me. “You think living like this is protecting
his memory? Would he want this from you? Would he want you to
sit in his sweatshirt every night crying over him? Would he be
proud of the life you lived, Alyssa?”
“Stop, just stop!” Alyssa started sobbing. “I hate you! Just
leave me alone!”
“No, you think you’re the only one in the entire freaking
universe who’s ever experienced pain and loss. How selfish of a
mindset do you have to have to believe that? Hmm? What about
his parents? Do you even know what it’s like to lose a child?”
“Of course not! And neither do you!”
I swallowed and tried to calm my heart, but it was still
racing. “Actually, I do.” I approached her with my hands up as I
felt tears well in my eyes. “And believe me, it really was my fault.
All my fault. The entire thing. I did it. A mess of my own making,
and a little boy died because of it. He would have been my son. I
mean, I was going to help her raise the baby even though he wasn’t
mine. Even though he was my brother’s. So betrayal? Lies? Losing
a child? Yeah, I think I get it, Lyss. So next time you start to feel
sorry for yourself, next time you allow yourself to feel the raw pain
of guilt, maybe you should think just for a second that the world is
only what you make it. You live in hell because you choose it.”
“And what are you offering?” Alyssa turned away. “Heaven
in your arms.” Her lips pulled back into a scowl.
“No.” I shook my head and sat on her bed. “I’m offering you
peace.”
Tear streamed down her face as she walked up to me and
slapped me hard across the cheek. It stung, but she was tiny, and I
knew she was just acting out. It broke my heart into a million
pieces to see her hurt like that.
“Do you feel better, now?” Hit me. I wanted to scream, Hit
me! If my pain would cause her relief, I was ready for it. I wanted it.
“No.” She cried into her hands. “I’m sorry. I just reacted. I
just…” She fell to the floor. “I’m just so messed up.”
I knelt down next to her and pulled her into my lap.
“Welcome to the land of the living, sweetheart. Everyone’s messed
up. It’s what makes us human.”
She shook in my arms. I whispered things in her ear and
rubbed her head as she sank into my arms.
“I just…” she sighed. “I just need to fix things. I want to feel
like myself again. I don’t want to be broken, but then I’m afraid
that if I get fixed —”
“You’ll forget him,” I answered for her.
“Yeah.” She shrugged. “The pain sucks, but it’s better than
forgetting him like everyone else does. I feel crazy sometimes, like
I’m the only one who cares about what happened. Everyone else
just keeps moving on with life, and I feel like I can’t because I feel
so guilty all the time.”
“He wouldn’t want you to,” I answered using my thumbs to
rub away the tears from her cheeks. “Believe me, he loved you. I
mean, who wouldn’t? I love you, and you’re kind of a mess…”
Holy crap. I just admitted that out loud, and I believed every
word, because it was true.
Her eyes got really wide and then she looked away from me.
“I don’t feel very lovable.”
“Okay, get ready because I’m going to only do this once.”
“Huh?”
“I’m going to act really smart right now. I’m just preparing
you, because it doesn’t happen often. If you want to take a picture
to document it, I’m okay with it, just don’t sell it online.”
“You’re insane.” She giggled through her tears.
I shrugged, because really, she kind of made me feel insane.
“Some scientists did this psychological experiment with dogs—”
“Did you just say psychological?”
“Shut up and listen,” I ordered and cleared my throat. “My
mind is a little fuzzy on the particulars, but scientists would put a
dog in a box, and then put a divider in the middle with its food on
the other side. The scientists wouldn’t necessarily abuse the dog,
but they would shock it over and over again each time it crossed
into the other part of the box. Finally, they stopped shocking it, and
showed the dog that it was safe, that it could cross over and get its
food, but it refused to move. Even though there wasn’t a threat
anymore, even though everything was fine. It’s a type of classical
conditioning. You get burned so much that even when there isn’t
any danger, you cower in the corner.” Wow. I can’t believe I
remembered that from last year’s psychology class.
“Am I the dog?” Alyssa asked quietly.
Crap, probably a bad comparison. “You are like the dog,
Lyss. You’ve been so scared for so long that even though there isn’t
any danger anymore, you still pretend there is, so you refuse to
leave the box and experience anything. What do you think happens
to the dog when it can’t get its food and water?”
“It dies.”
“Your soul isn’t meant to be in constant pain, Lyss.” I
rubbed her head again and sighed. “Your heart isn’t meant to stay
in pieces, and you sure as hell aren’t meant to mourn your dead
boyfriend for the rest of your days.” She was silent for a really long
time. I kept wondering if I screwed up, if I possibly pushed her too
far.
Her knees cracked as she got up and held out her hand to
me. “Will you stay the night?”
Seriously? I tried to keep my face from looking too shocked.
Tried, and failed as I felt my smile widen. “Yeah, that would be
nice, but what about your parents?”
Alyssa went to her door and locked it. “They’d probably be
so excited I was socializing with someone my own age that they’d
feed you breakfast. But I’ll lock this just in case.”
I followed her to the bed and helped toss the pillows off.
Honestly, and I’d never admit this out loud, I was so freaking
exhausted that I wasn’t really thinking about sex. I just wanted to
hold her. I sighed. If Alec could see me now.
She turned off the lights and joined me in bed, tucking her
head right underneath my chin. “Thanks, Demetri.”
“For what?” I wrapped my arm around her and closed my
eyes.
“For saying no.”