Chapter Twenty-three
Alyssa
The sheet of paper was blank. I know Demetri was trying to
give me my space so I could write my letter. But I honestly had so
many regrets with Brady, I didn’t even know where to start. It felt
like my heart was going to explode the minute Demetri mentioned
the word regret. It was like he could see right through me when his
gaze met mine.
I was too ashamed to look at him.
I knew there was still this invisible chord that held my soul
connected to Brady’s, even though he wasn’t here. I may as well
have a sign plastered across my face that said, “A part of me still
loves my ex-boyfriend and always will.”
Demetri took those feelings away, and yes I knew I needed
to heal, to move away from the past, but the minute he said regret I
was tempted to jump back into old habits, because my biggest
regret thus far, the one that still kept me up at night, was the very
thing I’d never voiced to anyone before.
My hand shook as I clenched the pencil between my fingers.
My knuckles turned white from the pressure. Sighing, I wrote one
word. And in that one word every regret fit beneath.
Living.
I regretted living. Every damn day.
Staring at the word made me nauseous. All the memories
flooded back — his smile, his laugh, his cocky attitude. Everything
was so real in my mind, it was almost as if he was there with me on
the couch. He should have been there. Suddenly angry, I wrote
another word on my paper.
Hate.
I hated that he was taken from me when he was so young. I
hated that I was forced to live with this grief. I hated that the only
person I could blame was myself, but that even then I knew
accidents happened.
A tear slid down my cheek, with shaking hands I wrote
down another word.
Virginity.
Something he never got the chance to take from me. One of
the many things I was never able to give him. He wouldn’t let me.
He said I was too young. Brady always refused to talk about sex. I
knew he’d had sex. He wasn’t exactly a saint, but I admired that he
didn’t pretend to be. He was always freakishly honest about the
temptation of being the star quarterback. Girls threw themselves at
him the way girls threw themselves at Demetri, except in
ridiculously smaller doses. He had dated a lot of girls before me.
“Why can’t we?” I begged. Okay, begging was so lame, but I loved
him, didn’t he love me too?
“Believe me.” He laughed. “I would love nothing more, but you’re
so young, Alyssa. You need time to figure yourself out, and if in the end
I’m still the one you want, then I’ll gladly take you up on that offer. But
until then…” He sighed and kissed me on the cheek. “I just can’t do it.
Not when you don’t know about my past, about everything. It just
wouldn’t be right.”
“So you’re rejecting me?” I slid away from him and looked out the
window of the truck as a tear ran down my cheek.
He cursed and pulled me back into his arms, even though I fought
him every inch of the way. “Stop crying,” he said gently. “Believe me, any
guy who had no respect for you and no damn morals would have you in
that backseat in an instant.”
“Your truck doesn’t have a backseat.”
“You know what I mean. Look at me, Alyssa.”
Begrudgingly, I turned and glared.
He laughed. “Remind me never to piss you off.”
“You’re pissing me off now.”
“Alyssa.” He moaned and then kissed me lightly on the lips. “Let
me put it this way. I’m not ready to take that from you yet. You know my
reputation before I met you. I just couldn’t live with myself if I messed up
a good thing. And what we have is more than good. Okay?”
I nodded. I mean, I understood I guess. I just felt semi-rejected that
he hadn’t wanted me. But maybe this was more.
“I want it to be me.” Brady cursed and shook his head. “You have
no idea. And I don’t know what’s holding me back other than my own
hang-ups and the fact that you look so damn innocent sitting there. But in
the end… if something ever happened, I don’t know, at college, or if you
decided you didn’t want to be with me anymore. It would kill me to know
that what we shared wasn’t going to be forever.”
“Don’t be silly.” I rolled my eyes and kissed him firmly on the
mouth. “We’ll be together forever.”
I glanced up at Demetri through watery eyes. He was
patiently standing in the kitchen pretending to be immersed in
reading a magazine while we all poured our hearts out.
What would his paper say? I looked down at mine again and
sighed. Would his letter be to his ex-girlfriend? One thing was for
sure. I didn’t want him to read my paper. It would kill him and I
couldn’t hurt him. He didn’t deserve the hurt that came with being
associated with me. Yet, I craved him, cared for him, needed him
more than I was ready or willing to admit. Was it selfish that I held
on to him? All the insecurities of the night before came flooding
back.
I stood and walked over to him. His eyes snapped up and
that devastating grin, the one that made me want to wrap my arms
around him and never let go, appeared on his face. “Finished?”
“Yes.” I folded my paper and put it on the table. “You’re
right. It was good to write some things down.” Even though it
almost killed me to admit any of the things I just admitted.
“Say it again.”
“It was good to write some things down?” I grinned,
enjoying the way he was trying to tease me out of my sadness.
He scowled and shook his head, this time leaning down and
whispering in my ear, his lips moving just against the tip causing
butterflies to shoot through my stomach. “The other part.”
“You’re right?”
“Damn straight, I’m right.” His tongue touched my ear and
flicked it before he sucked for a few seconds then abruptly pulled
back.
Bob cleared his throat and glared at us. Thankfully everyone
else was still immersed in their note writing, and I was ready to fall
into a puddle at Demetri’s feet. How did he make me feel so crazy?
For a brief second I forgot all about the note I just wrote about
regrets. My body reacted to Demetri the way that electricity reacts
when a live wire is exposed. Everything felt good, and I wanted
more and more of him.
I just wasn’t sure if Demetri was willing to share me with
someone who was dead. I wasn’t sure if I would share me. Was I
really worth it all in the end? Or would he tire of my emotional
breakdowns like everyone else did? Would he constantly wonder
about where my thoughts were? When he kissed me would he
think I was wishing it was Brady?
“Penny for your thoughts.” Demetri grabbed my hand and
kissed it.
“My thoughts are worth more than a penny.” I argued.
His face turned serious. “Believe me, I know. I just hope one
day I’ll be able to afford them.” He gave me a sad smile and went
back to the chair where he began gathering the pencils and papers.
“Alright, everyone, it’s time to come back together.”
The rest of the group sat down. Sam looked like he had been
crying as he wiped his eyes and sighed. Connor looked just as bad
if not worse. I could guess what he wrote, something about
regretting driving that night or even possessing a license. Aaron
and Holly were sad too, but I think most of their grief came from
something unrelated to Brady and the accident. Aaron kissed
Holly’s head and sighed heavily.
Demetri took everyone’s papers. “I’m not going to read
these. They’re private. Between you and what you regret. But if
anyone’s willing to share, I think it would be really cool.”
Holly spoke up. “I lost my baby.”
Aaron held her tightly as she began to softly cry. “In high
school I got pregnant and I had a miscarriage. It was really hard
and… well, it almost destroyed my relationship with Aaron.”
Aaron cleared his throat. “It was a Friday night. I was angry
at Holly. She had been drinking and instead of staying with her at
the party I ran off.”
I listened intently as Holly continued where Aaron left off. “I
was so upset he would abandon me that I slept with one of the
football players. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of
football season. I told Aaron and he threatened to kill the father.
But I refused to tell him who it was. It wasn’t his business, and it
nearly killed us both.”
The room fell silent. Holly choked back a few more tears. “It
felt good. To write that letter. To talk to Aaron about it. I feel better.
Thanks, Demetri.”
Demetri smiled warmly. “Anytime. And don’t worry, the
first time Mrs. Murray asked me to do this I cried for days. And if
that ever gets leaked out into the press I’ll hunt each and every one
of you down.”
Everyone laughed nervously.
“Let’s plan to meet in a few more days. I want all of you to
think about regrets this week. Live your life as if each moment is
your last. This isn’t about going crazy. It’s about appreciation.”
Suddenly Demetri seemed so much older than I. He had
gone through a lot in his life, and it showed in the way he spoke
about regret, about living. If there was one thing I was confident
about, it was that Demetri knew how to live, and I desperately
wanted to follow in his footsteps. But what do you do when the
very person’s footsteps you hope to follow in is the exact person
you want to carry you?