Chapter Eighteen
Demetri
She was a damn mess. I mean I knew what she’d been
through, but only because the guys in group had filled me in.
Maybe it was worse than I thought. I cursed, and rather than
texting Alec, thought it might be best to explain things in person, so
he didn’t think I was off doing who knows what. I jogged into the
theatre to locate my brother.
“We’re gonna go,” I whispered once I found Alec.
He gave me a confused look. I shook my head, my way of
saying leave it alone. I mean, he and I had our own deal of shitty
baggage we had to deal with. Hell, I was still dealing with some of
mine, but this girl… I don’t know. There was something about her,
something more that was spiraling her into the anxiety I saw in her
eyes. I knew what it felt like to be so lost all you wanted to do was
allow the darkness to consume you until you breathed your last
breath.
“We’ll come back and see you for your birthday.” Alec gave
me a pat on my back. Nat teared up.
She was always tearing up when we all had to part ways. I
knew it was hard on her to leave her home and to leave me. She
was always worried I was going to fall back into bad habits.
Poor thing.
She reached over and squeezed my hand then whispered,
“Don’t be an ass, Demetri. I like this one.”
Ah, Nat. Why I fell in love with her in the first place, that
damn honesty. “Thanks, Nat.”
I ran back down the stairs and went in search of Alyssa.
She was standing next to the exit, her arms protectively
wrapped around her frail body.
“Ready?” I held out my hand. Without answering, she took
it. At least she wasn’t crying anymore.
We walked at least a mile in silence.
Damn. I hated that type of silence. The kind that’s so thick
with emotion you nearly choke every time you try to breathe.
My eyes searched the landscape as I struggled for breath.
Even though we lived in Malibu, nothing really compared to the
way the Pacific Ocean smelled in Oregon. The climate sucked hard,
but when it was nice, it was one of my favorite places in the world.
Not that I would ever tell Nat or Alec that. They’d think I was back
on drugs for sure.
“So,” I bravely spoke into the chasm of silence between us.
“Was it the preview?”
“Kind of.”
“Kind of?” I looked away. Maybe if I wasn’t focusing all my
attention on her like she was some sort of broken bird, she would
feel freer to speak her mind.
“It was the sound.”
“The music to the preview? I thought One Direction was
your new favorite band.” My ploy at joking didn’t work. No smile.
Nothing. Not even a blink.
Right.
“The sound of metal hitting metal.” Her lower lip quivered.
She bit down on it hard and looked at her feet as we walked.
I suck. Seriously, how did I not get that? Shit. I didn’t know
what to do. I was so out of my element. I was like my own broken
Humpty-Dumpty, still trying to put myself back together. How the
hell was I supposed to glue her pieces together when I was still
trying to find mine?
“At risk of sounding like a complete loser and making you
pissed, I think you should talk about what happened, or just talk
about him.” God, how I hated him in that moment. What the hell
did he do to her?
She was silent for a while. I grabbed her hand as we reached
the first bridge and crossed over. She stopped right in the middle
and leaned over it.
“Brady was perfect.”
Okay, so maybe I lied. I don’t want to compete with a ghost.
I mean, how do you compete with perfect? I can’t even compete
with Alec. Hello, insecurity, thy name is Demetri.
“Perfect how?” Seriously, the guy was dead, and I still
wanted to kill him. How terrible of a person was I? I knew I was
going crazy. I mean, if he was standing right here all I could
imagine doing was pushing him off the bridge and telling him to
stay the hell away from Alyssa. To stop hurting her so that I could
have her. Selfishness, thy name is also Demetri.
It’s not about me. It’s not about me, I chanted in my head as she
smiled and shrugged. “He was the best quarterback our town had
ever seen.”
I bet he was.
“He drove around in a beat-up old van that he and the
football team finally turned into a tailgating van. They painted a
Seagull on the side of it and everything.”
“A Seagull?” I laughed. “Lame.”
“Um, Demetri?” Alyssa pointed to my sweatshirt. “It’s kind
of the mascot.”
And I’m an idiot. “Wow, I guess I never noticed. As Alec
said, I did spend half the school year high.”
Alyssa cracked a smile and exhaled loudly. “Anyway,
everyone loved him.”
“Did you?” I knew I was basically setting myself up for
being hurt, but it seemed important. I didn’t want to be that guy
anymore. The one that chases a girl he can’t have. The guy who
wants the girl to fill in the gaping holes in his life.
“I do.” She shook her head. “I mean, I did.”
And there’s my answer. Shit.
I know guys aren’t supposed to get all emotional about this
stuff, but again, up until the past six months, I’ve basically been
hiding my emotions behind drugs and alcohol, so right now
everything just feels raw.
Instead of pushing the rejection away or hiding behind a
cocky grin and walking away, I could only stand there and tell
myself it was better that way. Better to know before I got too
involved.
But I couldn’t lie to myself. I couldn’t lie to her. I was way in
over my head, and I hated that the guy who had her heart didn’t
even have the decency to allow her to let it go. I knew it wasn’t his
fault he died, but the ass in me kinda blamed him. Because I
couldn’t compete with a star quarterback. I mean, I’m famous. But
someone who’s dead? Someone who this perfect girl held in such
high esteem? Yeah, it wasn’t gonna happen.
“I’m sorry, Lyss.” I put my arm around her and memorized
the way it felt to hold her. Most likely that would be my last time.
Not because I was going to go crazy and try to kill myself, but
because there was no way I could win this.
None.
“It was my fault you know,” Alyssa said against my chest.
“Everyone blamed Connor for so long, but no one else was there.
No one else knew what happened.”
I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear any more. I rubbed her back
and cursed in my head as she kept talking. “He told me he loved
me. We’d pulled over because he wanted to kiss me and was
excited about our future. I mean, that’s what we were talking
about. Our future. I didn’t know that within the next fifteen
minutes it would get stolen from us.”
“How is that your fault, Lyss?” I whispered in her hair. It
smelled like coconut. I closed my eyes an inhaled.
“Because I’m not stupid. It was raining and Highway 101
always has accidents because of all the curves. We should have
kept driving. Instead, I kept kissing him and distracting him.”
What a way to die. I mean, I’m not trying to be insensitive,
but wow. I can only imagine how much she would distract me
while driving. “I’d probably pull over too.”
“You would?”
“Huh?” Crap. Did I say that out loud?
“You’d pull over too?”
“Well…” Shit, shit, shit. “Sorry, Lyss. I’m just being honest.
If you were my girlfriend, and we were kissing and talking about
exciting stuff, I’d probably want more time with you. I probably
wouldn’t have even made it to the car, because I would have locked
you in your room until graduation.”
“Really?” She perked up.
“Lyss, look at me.”
She swallowed and looked up, bright blue eyes shining with
tears. I kissed each cheek and sighed. “To me, it doesn’t really get
better than this.”
“Than what?” She scrunched up her nose.
I pulled her hand into mine and kissed her lightly across the
lips, then on each cheek again and then each hand, taking my time
inhaling her skin as I licked its smoothness and memorized the way
it felt against mine. “This, Alyssa. It doesn’t get better than this,
than you.”
Her eyes welled with tears.
Great. Must I always make girls cry?
While I was sitting there berating myself for being an ass,
her eyes lit up. She wrapped her arms around me and kissed me
hard on the mouth.
I wanted to kiss him away. To make her forget him, to make
her heart beat in tune with mine.
And suddenly, as her mouth worked its way down my neck,
I realized for a split second what life would be like without her in
it. Empty. Maybe I couldn’t compete with a ghost, but I could sure
as hell try.