That wasn’t much comfort. I leant over and kissed Holly’s temple.
Ten minutes later and Holly was pushing with every contraction, and because it was all happening scarily fast she couldn’t have anything for the pain besides gas and air, which she’d tried, but as it didn’t work straight away she gave up.
“Push, Holly!” I said.
“Jasper! I swear to God if you tell me to push one more time, I’m going to kill you!” She groaned, and the sound was raw and scary. “You did this to me!”
It was safe to say she hated me when she was in pain. I wanted to point out that we’d done this, but I thought better of it.
“You’re doing amazing, Hol. Do you want the gas and air?” I asked.
She collapsed back on the bed as her contraction subsided.
“The gas and air does nothing. I want an epidural.”
“It’s too late for that, babe.”
She glared through slitted eyes and growled, “I fucking know that!”
Perhaps I shouldn’t speak until I’m spoken to.
“Holly, the head is right there. One more push,” the midwife said.
Gripping my hand and turning my bones to dust, Holly pushed, and her eyes widened.
“Oh God!”
“The head is out!”
I looked up at the midwife with tears in my eyes. Our baby’s head was out!
“Well done, Holly. One more big push and we’ll be there.”
She panted, eyes wide, mouth open. Her hair stuck to her sweaty forehead, and she was starting to get the shadow of dark circles under her eyes, but she looked absolutely perfect to me.
Holly’s guttural cry sent a shudder through my whole body; she squeezed her eyes closed, pushing hard, and then she slumped back on the bed, panting. The room was silent for a second before a piercing scream stopped my heart.
“You have a beautiful baby girl!” the midwife said, holding our tiny gunk-covered baby up.
Holly burst into tears, and I stared at our little girl with fascination. I already loved her more than anyone or anything in the world. She literally stole my heart in a second.
Annette checked her over and less than a minute later, she was placed on Holly’s chest, wrapped in a white blanket.
“Wow,” I whispered, stroking her soft cheek. She’d been cleaned a little, but the gloopy crap was still in her hair.
“We thought a girl. Hi, baby,” Holly said, cradling our daughter close.
Shit. I have a daughter! I gulped, trying to keep it together.
“What’re we going to call her?” I asked.
Holly looked up and smiled. “You pick. I love both.”
We had two names left on our list and wanted to wait to see which one felt right when she was born. I looked at her, taking in her button nose, puffy lips and light brown eyebrows.
“Sophia.”
“Yeah. I think Sophia suits her.”
I didn’t want to say that she was a puffy, wrinkled little thing, and any name would suit her, but it was true. Sophia felt right.
“Okay, we just need to take her now to weight her,” the midwife said.
My heart leapt into my throat. I didn’t want her out of my sight.
“Take her where?”
“Not far,” she replied and pointed to the counter on the side. “She’ll be in the same room.”
I nodded, and Holly handed her over. I could tell she was watching me, wanting to ask if I was okay. There was nothing okay about the depth of my fear for Sophia. Most parents worried, but I literally felt sick about the thought of leaving her. What if something happened to her while I wasn’t there? I’d never forgive myself.
“How’re you feeling?” I asked Holly.
“Tired. Sore. Happy.”
Annette cleared her throat. “Holly, you have a small tear. We’ll give you an injection to speed up the delivery of the placenta.”
My eyes widened, and I shuddered. I did not need to hear that.
“And then we’ll give you another injection to numb the area and get it stitched, okay?”
“Alright,” she replied, covering her mouth with the back of her hand as she yawned. She looked at me and grimaced. “Do you want to go outside for this?”
“No.” Yes! “I’m not leaving you. Wanna crush my hand while they’re doing it?”
Annette laughed. “The injection might sting a little, but after that she’ll be fine.”
“Yeah, see. Why don’t you stay so I can crush your hand while they do this delivering thing and inject me then go out for a few minutes and call everyone? They’re going to want to know she’s here already.”
I grabbed her hand, kissing her knuckles. “Okay, if you want.”
Holly squeezed my hand, and flinching as they injected her. She didn’t take her eyes off me as if I was somehow helping just by being there.
I love her.
I didn’t just have feelings for her – I was fucking in love with her!
“All done. We’ll give you a second and then see if we’re ready to stitch.”
Holly pulled a disgusted face.
“Don’t worry, you’ve not torn too badly, it shouldn’t take many.”
She grimaced. “Please don’t tell me. I’d rather not know.”