“Oh, well, I’m fine.”
My conversation with my sister ended with me promising to sort my shit out, again, and then I headed to Mum’s. At least with Everleigh there I wouldn’t get a lecture.
“Hi, love,” Mum said, opening the door so I could come in.
“Hey, where’s Everleigh?”
“Sleeping on the sofa. Want a hot chocolate?”
I smiled at her over my shoulder.
“Sure.”
I sat on the sofa and watched Everleigh sleep. She was so tiny and so innocent. She looked just like Oakley as a kid. Rubbing my forehead roughly, I tried shoving the thoughts and memories away.
Why was it that when all you wanted to do was forget something, it haunted you as much as it could? I just wanted one day when I didn’t think about it. When I didn’t feel guilt.
“Here,” Mum said, putting a mug down on the coffee table.
“Thanks.”
“You look tired, honey.”
“Wow, thanks,” I replied.
“Come on, I didn’t mean it like that. Talk to me.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You’ve lost so much in such a short space of time, and it kills me to see you this unhappy. You were happy again when you thought you were having a child, weren’t you?”
“Yeah, I was.” The baby I thought I was having made my marriage worth something. Even though it ended horribly, I could at least say something amazing came out of our marriage. Now it was just shit.
“You’ll be happy again if you open yourself up to a future.”
“I don’t want anyone.”
“Not now. Believe me, I understand not now, but don’t dismiss it outright and continue thinking there’s nothing out there for you. You will be okay; you will be happy again, and you will find someone to share your life with.”
“In that order?”
“Usually. Work on you and the rest will follow.”
I didn’t say anything else because it would just end up with us bickering. I thought she was wrong, and she thought I was wrong. Neither of us would back down, so it was pointless.
Picking up my hot chocolate, I laid back against the sofa.
“Thanks, Mum.”
Chapter Nineteen
Holly
I woke up feeling exhausted again, even after nine straight hours. My stomach was tied in knots. I was four days late with no sign of my period coming and was feeling run down. But not sick. That was a big one, right? If I didn’t have sickness then I wasn’t pregnant. I laughed at my own naivety.
Looking over at my full-year calendar, I noted the date of my return to university. October 7th. I was looking forward to my final year, but now I wasn’t sure if I’d even be able to go back. If I was how could I have a baby at uni?
This wasn’t supposed to happen. I was meant to finish uni and move almost all the way back home and get a job in the local hospital. Children were supposed to come later. I wasn’t the impulsive one. My life was planned out, and I liked my plan.
“Holly,” Dad called through the door. “I’m now going to work.”
“Okay, see you later.”
I heard him grumble about something; no doubt it was because it was his turn to work on Saturday. His reaction was the same every month.
In my bedside table were two pregnancy tests that I’d bought yesterday in the hope that I would come on and could throw them away. Now I didn’t even have the slightest cramp, and I knew I was going to have to face this.
As soon as I heard Dad’s car start, I got the bag out and went to the bathroom. Putting it off was only driving me crazy. When it read negative it was going to be a huge relief, and I’d wonder why I hadn’t just done the stupid thing before.
I locked the door and pulled the stick out of the packet.
Please don’t be positive, please.
I’d never done a pregnancy test before. It was terrifying. In high school, I watched one of my friends do it. I sat in her bedroom with Harmony and Amy as Bex peed on a test in her en suite. I remember being so scared for her, but it was nothing compared to how I was feeling right now.
At twenty, I wasn’t ready to be a mum. I knew that if I was pregnant, however, I was keeping my baby; there was never any doubt about that.
I sat on the floor, on the bath mat staring at the upside-down test on the floor in front of me.
It’s negative; it has to be.
Four days late was nothing. I’d been three days before. But that time I hadn’t had unprotected sex.
Taking a deep breath, I turned it over.
The result may as well have been in flashing lights:
Pregnant