“I’ve not told anyone this, but I dream of that place sometimes. It’s the one thing that I still hold on to because it’s too painful to face.”
I gulped. Did I want to go there? “So today is all about exorcising our demons?”
“Yes.”
“You make it sound easy.”
She gave a short, humourless laugh. “I’d love it if it was. Going back over things is the hardest thing I’ve done – closely followed by leaving Cole – but it’s also the only way I’ve been able to move forward. Jasper, you can’t expect to sweep everything that happens under the carpet and not have a breakdown at some point. There’s only so much a person can take. So I’m facing this and then you’re speaking to Abby.”
“I want nothing to do with her.”
“I know, and I support you one-hundred per cent. I wouldn’t want to get back together with someone that had cheated on me either, but you have to speak to her. A marriage isn’t something you can ignore.”
I hated it when she was right. There were so many questions I wanted Abby to answer.
“Can’t I just call her?”
She shrugged. “If you want. Either way, you have to have that conversation.”
“You don’t have to do this, you know? I get your point, and I’ll talk to my whore of a wife, but you don’t have to go first.”
“Actually, I do.” She bit her lip. “I’m tired of being scared of a scrap of land.”
It wasn’t just a scrap of land though. It was the place our bastard father took her to and photographed his friend abusing her. It was where she lost her innocence and most of her childhood. That scrap of land started her eleven-year silence.
“How come you’ve not told Cole about this?” I asked. He knew more than anyone – besides Mum probably – but she hadn’t told him. They had a tell-all rule that I was sure was Oakley’s idea after living with too many secrets and lies.
“I’ve not told anyone, not even Carol. I wasn’t ready to deal with it, so I pretended it wasn’t an issue. You’re the only one that knows about the nightmares, so, please don’t say anything.”
“How does Cole not know about your nightmares?”
“He’d sleep through an earthquake! They’re less frequent now, maybe one every few months. I don’t wake up screaming, so there’s no reason he’d know, but I can’t go back to sleep afterwards. Maybe if it’s not haunting me in the back of my mind any more, I won’t see it in my dreams.”
“You think that will work?”
She shrugged one shoulder stiffly. “I’m hoping. It’s worked with the rest of it well enough.”
“Well enough?”
She sighed. “There’s no miracle cure, Jasper. It’ll always be there, but it’s no longer in my head all the time.”
“Good,” I whispered, not daring to admit it was still in my head all the time.
We fell silent. Oakley seemed somewhere else, and I desperately wanted to know what was going through her head. She kept her eyes focused on the road, still gripping the steering wheel too tight. She said she wanted to do this, but it sure as hell didn’t look like she did.
She pulled into the forest and turned down the track to the campsite. Her hands gripped the wheel so tight I could see the tendons in her inner wrist.
“Hey,” I said softly. “It’s okay.”
Nodding, she gulped and parked in a space at the edge of the car park.
“I’m coming with you,” I said. I wasn’t sure if she planned on going there alone or if I was here to be with her the whole time. Either way, I was staying by her side.
Her grip loosened a touch. “Thank you.”
I stared at a piece of grass nearby a stream. Beside me, Oakley stood deadly still, clutching my hand as if it was her lifeline. She was thinking about what happened to her, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t let myself think about it. I couldn’t think about the man that was supposed to be there for us but had let us both down.
She took a deep breath. “It’s less overgrown now. The grass was longer. A few bushes have been cut down too.” I wanted to ask if we were in the right place, but her fear vibrated off her. This was the place.
“How do you feel?”
“Sick. Scared.” She frowned. “Actually, less scared. Seeing it as an adult makes it seem smaller. When I was little everything was huge, and I don’t just mean size, I know I was smaller then too. I’m not explaining it well, am I?”
“You’re explaining it fine. I think I get it.”
“This is just a bit of land with grass and mud and trees.” She nodded once, and her eyes glazed over. As strong as she was trying to be it was still hard for her.
“What did the bastard do when he saw how scared you were of this place?” My hand tightened around hers. Whenever I thought about him, I wanted to rip his head from his shoulders. Hate was a strong word but not nearly strong enough for what I felt for him.
“Nothing.” She gulped. “By the time it got…really bad I wasn’t talking, and he didn’t care.”
Okay we were done with that conversation. I was having trouble breathing evenly. I wanted to kill him so badly it hurt.