CHAPTER 16
The next few weeks were busy; I went back to work on the Monday and helped out at the Brentwood shop, we were half way through March, people were now looking for summer wedding and Royal Ascot outfits. My Mum and I tried to be hands on at this time of year, spending a day a week at each store, making our customers feel special, which they were and giving them the personal touch from the management always made them feel extra special.
Cam and I were now in an exclusive relationship, he was a workaholic but he always made time for me, we would go out to dinner in the week or meet for lunch. Sometimes I’d come over to the wine bar and sit at the bar chatting to his bar staff and the bouncers, while I waited for him to finish meetings and phone calls in his office or for him to turn up if his meetings were elsewhere, later we would have food sent up to his place and I would spend the night there. Other nights he would come to my place once he had finished with all his business dealings, he would let himself in with the key I’d given him, either way, when we were alone together, it usually resulted in us having amazing sex, and it was amazing, toe curlingly so, he was a master in the bedroom, dominant, inventive and considerate. I loved the fact that when I was with him, I didn’t have to think, I could just shut down my brain and enjoy the experience. Time spent with Cam, was time spent not thinking about Sean. Not that that was the only reason I spent time with Cam, not at all, I really did enjoy his company, in fact I enjoyed it more with each time that I saw him. The problem was, as always, Sean. I know I shouldn’t compare the two, as my mother has told me on numerous occasions, no one will ever compare to my first love. She was lucky; she got to marry her first love. While mine was ripped away from me and I had never recovered from what I felt for him, and as handsome and hot and sexy and caring as Cam was, he didn’t make my heart race like it still did when I thought of Sean. I didn’t ache for him when we were apart, the way I used to whenever I was apart from Sean. I was beginning to care for him, but I knew from the second I set eyes on Sean that he would always have my heart and to this very day, he still does and there is nothing that I can do to change that fact.
Cam was usually busy on a Friday and a Saturday night and I really didn’t mind, it meant that I could still go out with my friends on the weekend, which I generally did. Fridays we would club, Saturdays could go either way, we would sometimes club again or sometimes just go to the wine bar, then for some Indian. Sometimes I would get back to my place at dawn to find Cam in my bed and I was fine with that, it worked for me but by May, I noticed that if I wasn’t at his place, then he would always be at mine. We’d gone from seeing each other three or four times a week to six or seven nights a week and he had started to complain about the fact that I still went to my parents every Sunday for lunch, and if my brothers were there and we all ended up in the studio, stoned or drunk, I would stay over till Monday.
I really liked Cam, I wasn’t really comfortable with what he did for a living, but I wasn’t a hypocrite either. I had, it turned out, been raised on money gained mostly by illegal means, so I could hardly call Cam on how he chose to earn a living.
We’d danced around the topic of moving in together but I felt for me, it was far too soon, I was too young. I was in the best place mentally that I been in for just over four years, I wasn’t fixed, I still spent most of my time with my chest hanging on to that last little breath, because I knew, that if I let it all the way out, the panic would set in. I was better, much better. I was listening to music but not theirs. I still couldn’t bring myself to listen to his voice, to hear him sing words that might tell me his thoughts, his feelings, it was still painful, my heart still hurt as much as it always had but I’d just gotten better at coping with it. Every now and then I would wonder if I’d go through my whole life like this. Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts and thought that perhaps I would rather be dead, than live with the hollow, emptiness I had inside, but since Cam had come along, I coped better with it all, I was grateful to him but I wasn’t ready to move in with him.
The other issue between us was my Dad, he still didn’t know about our relationship; at least I don’t think he did. Both my Mum and Bailey had been on my case to tell him before he heard it from someone else but I still wasn’t sure where we were headed. I liked Cam, a lot but he was giving me the distinct impression that he liked me a lot more and my old instinct of running as soon as I heard those three little words was beginning to surface.
I was out having dinner with Cam on a Thursday night at the beginning of May when he asked what my plans were for the coming Saturday. “Actually, its Ashley’s birthday, we’re going to Kings, my Dad’s sorted out the VIP bar for us, we have a stretch limo picking us up, then there are about fifty people coming to the club.”
He puts his knife and fork down. “Why didn’t you ask me?”
“I thought you’d be working.” Shit, I didn’t want another night of walking on eggshells around him, he’d been really hard work for over a week now, and never seemed happy with anything I did.
“No, why didn’t you ask me to sort out the VIP bar for Ashley’s party?”
“Well, because…” I really didn’t need this, was it going to turn into a pissing contest between him and my Dad over who had what power at the club?
“If I had asked you to sort it out for me Cam, my Dad and my brother would want to know why I hadn’t gone through them, then my Dad would want to know how I know you, my brother is already on my case about seeing you and it would all just get complicated… So I just took the easiest option, the option that would cause me the least grief, at least I f*ckin’ thought it would.”
“Do you really need to swear to emphasise your point?” Right, he’s just patronising me now.
“Don’t be so condescending Cam, you sound like an old fart.” I put down my knife and fork and stare him square in the eye.
“Why haven’t you told Frank about us yet?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I was just waiting to see how things went, if this was going to go nowhere, then what would be the point in stirring up trouble between you and him?”
“And is it?”
I raise my eyebrows, unsure of what his question means. “Stirring trouble?”
“No Georgia, going nowhere. Are we going nowhere?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I’m having fun, it’s working for me. I don’t know what your thoughts are, other than that you seem thoroughly pissed off with me tonight.”
He gives his regulation shake of the head and his eyes meet mine, he lets out a long breath and reaches his hand across the table to take mine. “Sorry Kitten, I’m not pissed off with you, I just feel a bit gutted that you didn’t come to me, didn’t even mention to me about Ashley’s birthday.”
Okay, now I feel bad, I can see how that could be hurtful, it would be like him coming into the shop and asking one of the other assistance to help him and ignoring me. I let out a long breath and try to explain why I didn’t come to him. “Ashley spoke to my Mum about it, before I had a chance to talk to my Dad my Mum had done it for me; it’s really not a big deal Cam.”
My eyes wander over his handsome face. “Why don’t you come, surely you’re entitled to a Saturday night off once in a while, or do the rounds and then come after?”
He knocks back his glass of wine. “Yeah, I dunno, I might feel a bit out of place, seeing as I’m such an old fart.”
“Now you’re just been facetious.”
“Hmm, I’m impressed, big words from such a little girl.” I don’t know why but that statement really pissed me off, I felt like he was talking down at me, like I was a child. Did he think I wasn’t capable of long words? I pulled my napkin out of my lap and slung it on the table.
“I need to go; this little girl is tired and has a headache.” I pushed my chair back way too loudly for the posh restaurant, grabbed my jacket and headed for the door.
I didn’t hear Cam’s chair move so I’m assuming he remained seated. The instant I stepped outside, I saw Benny start the Jag up in a car park across the road. He pulled up next to me with his window open. “All right Duchess, jump in.”
I had lit up a cigarette. I hadn’t smoked in ages but he had pissed me off tonight so I felt the need. “F*ck off Ben, I’m not in the mood, I’ve had to sit through dinner with your boss acting like a prick, again, I don’t need to be patronised by you as well.”
“F*ckin’ ‘ell George, was only ‘avin a laugh wiv ya, ignore him, he’s got a lot on his plate right now.”
“Not interested Ben, not interested.” I stepped into the alley at the side of the restaurant and smoked my cigarette, I put it out and waited for five minutes but Cam didn’t come out. Well f*ck him, if he thought I was going to hang about and wait, he had another thing coming. I looked down the alleyway and could see that it led out to the next street but was blocked by a bollard to stop cars cutting through, so I quickly headed down it. Ben couldn’t see me from where he was sat in the car and I walked quickly, as soon as I stepped out onto the main high street I was lucky enough to be able to hail a cab straight away. I jumped in and gave them Jimmies address and hoped that she didn’t mind me turning up uninvited.
I got the cabby to stop off at the off license and I grabbed a couple of bottles of wine, if Jimmie wasn’t up for a drink, then I would just go home and get plastered by myself.
I rang the doorbell and stood with my forehead pressed against the door, I was so busy going over tonight’s conversation with Cam and his shitty attitude toward me that I didn’t hear the door being opened, I fell forward and face planted right into someone’s chest and I knew, in an instant, in a millisecond, exactly whose chest it was.
He grabbed me by the shoulders at first and I panicked and thought he was going to push me away, but then he wrapped his arms around me tightly, sniffed my hair, kissed the top of my head and said into my ear.” I love you Georgia Rae, show us your tits.”
Everything fell away, the floor from beneath me, the wall around my heart was gone in an instant, the person that I was, the person that I’d become over these past four years crumbled to dust and was gone, disintegrated, decimated.
I had a bottle of wine in each hand, I didn’t let them go but hung on to them, I gripped them so tightly that my hands ached but I needed to hold on to them, they were real, all the time I had them in my hands, I knew that I had some kind of a grip on reality. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed myself into him, taking deep breaths of him in. I thought that perhaps I was dreaming, or perhaps the front door had opened and I had fallen and bumped my head, so I moved the wine bottles that I was squeezing and my brain registered the chinking sound of the glass knocking together.
“Do you know how long I have waited to have you pressed up against me, how long I have wanted to bury my face into your neck and just breathe you in?” I can’t speak, I’m terrified that if I do, I will scare away the magic and it won’t be true, he won’t be here, with his arms wrapped around me “Do you, do you know Gia?”
My insides curl in on themselves at the sound of him, calling me, that name, nobody, only Sean has ever called me Gia, nobody has ever even thought to.
“Four years G… four years and eleven days if you want me to be exact and every single moment has been absolute hell.” He reaches round and using his index finger, he lifts my chin, I close my eyes, I can’t look, I can’t take that chance. What if I have finally had the meltdown of all meltdowns and completely lost the plot and this is all in my f*cked up imagination? In that instant, I’ve never, ever prayed so hard to be mentally insane. “Open your eyes G; I need to see those beautiful blue eyes of yours.”
“I can’t,” I whisper, my voice barely audible.
“Why G, why can’t ya, I need to see them, I need to look into them, to see us, when I look into your eyes, I want to be able to see you and me and I need to know that we’re still us, Sean and Georgia. Are we, are we still us G?” Very slowly I open my eyes, hoping for heaven, fearing all that I will get is hell but they’re there, those dark brown eyes with their flecks of gold, my very own personal piece of heaven is staring right back at me.
“There’s my girl.” He smiles that lazy lopsided grin down at me and I whimper. He’s so much taller than I remember, not as tall as Cam but he must be well over six foot now. “Can I kiss ya G, I want to kiss you. I need to kiss you G. Can I?”
I nod my head, which was at that precise moment not attached to my shoulders and was instead spinning off somewhere in the stratosphere and before I can think any more, his mouth is on me, soft and gentle at first, his tongue dancing with mine, gently, then deeper, tasting me, his lips harder on mine, he groans, I groan. He reaches behind me and takes the wine from my hands but doesn’t stop kissing me, he wraps his arms around me and the bottles clang together, reminding me that this is all real. He’s here, I’m here, we’re kissing, we’re here, together, Sean and Georgia; we finally stop kissing but stand with our mouths together, just leaning into each other, mouth to mouth, while we look into each other’s eyes, he has tears rolling down his cheeks and I realise that I do too; I reach up and touch his face.
“God, Gia, I’ve missed you so f*cking much.”
“You never came back for me Sean, you just let me go. You didn’t fight for me.”
He frowned and lent away from me, then put the bottles down on the hall table; he turned and looked back at me, his eyebrows drawn together. “Georgia, I came to your Mum’s but they wouldn’t let me see you, so I sat outside the house in my car, all day, all night but then I had to go back on tour, so I called you, all day, every day, for weeks I called and I wrote and wrote, I sent letter after letter. I sent you the songs that I wrote for you, I wrote down every thought and feeling that I had for almost a year, I made videos of the songs so you could hear them, I sent it all to you G.”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing, to the point where I’m shaking my head. “No, no, where, where did they go?” I think I’m going to be sick. “Where did you send them? You must have got the wrong address.”
Which was a ridiculous notion; he had spent more time at my house growing up than he ever had at his own house. He knew my address better than his own. Absolute panic is rolling in my belly, is he lying to me? Just when I suddenly had hope that he was here, with his arms around me, was he going to lie, was I going to lose it all again? He looks as devastated as I feel. “You sent them back?” But he’s shaking his head; it’s a question, not a statement.
“No, no Sean, never, I never got them, I never saw them so how could I send them back?” I’m shaking so hard that I can hardly control my jaw.
“They came back, unopened, with a note, saying, please don’t contact me again. All of it came back, the letters, the cards and poems, the videos, it all came back Georgia, you said you could never forgive me and to stay away.” He’s pulling at his own hair and sobbing as he speaks. “I wanted to die; I’ve wanted to die, every f*cking day since. Every day, I’ve thought about it, dying, instead of living with this pain.”
He punches himself hard in the chest, into his heart as he speaks through gritted teeth. “I just wanted a chance G, just one f*cking chance to explain, to say sorry, to tell ya, that, it’s you, it’s always been you, it will, only, ever, be you.”
I know that I’m pulling the ugliest of faces as I cry and try to speak and try to make sense of what he’s telling me. “No, Sean, no, I didn’t, I wouldn’t do that, I wanted to see you, I wanted you to come back to me, so badly, I almost died, my heart hurts so much, the pain, the pain, it’s killing me, it’s f*cking killing me Sean.”
I’m shaking my head and gulping in air and my legs won’t hold me up any more. Lennon appears at the end of the hallway behind Sean. “F*ck… Jimmie!” I hear him call.
“I don’t understand then G, who, who would do that to us? Jimmie and Lennon knew how hard I tried, they knew how hard I tried to see ya, they knew about the phone calls and all the stuff I sent ya. Where did it go? How did you not know about it, surely not your Mum and Dad?” I can’t comprehend this, I just can’t get my head around it, all this time, all this pain and he wanted me back.
Jimmies suddenly at my side, I’m on my knees in her hallway, Sean is sitting cross legged facing me, with his head is in his hands. “Babe, what’s going on? Sean?”
She looks from one to the other of us. Sean looks up, he looks at me, and I think I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack. I’m gulping in air and making sounds that I’ve never heard a human make. “Gia” Is all that Sean says as he pulls me into his lap and holds me so tight it should crush me, instead I start to breathe slower. Air starts to reach my lungs, as I look up at him.
“Who would want to hurt us like that, who?”
Jimmies right down on the floor with us now, Lens pacing the floor behind Sean, then Marley appears. “What the f*ck George, what’s wrong?” He moves toward us.
“Will somebody please tell me what the f*ck is going on?”
Jimmie is crying too and she doesn’t even know what’s wrong. “The letters Jim, all the letters, you told me that she got them?” Jimmie looks confused and frowns. “She did, you did, your Mum said that they upset you so much that we weren’t to talk about them.”
No, no, this can’t be right, my Mum’s one of my best friends, she wouldn’t do that; she knew how much I was hurting. “No, no Jim, I never knew, I never saw a single letter.”
“What?”
“She told me that Sean phoned for a couple of weeks and that my Dad had threatened him and he had stopped calling and that was it.”
“Georgia, I swear to God, I called your house four or five times a day, I begged them to let me talk to you, I wrote letter, after letter, I begged you to see me.” The hallway falls silent apart from the sound of breathing and sniffing. Sean continuously strokes at my back and my hair with the tips of my fingers and soothes me, calms me. I suddenly feel so tired, like I haven’t slept in four years and now finally, I can.
Sean kisses the top of my head. “G, I love you babe but your arse is f*ckin’ bony and mine is going numb.”
I look up at him and giggle. “You love me?”
“Of course I love you, how many times do you need telling, I meant it then and I mean it now, there’s only you G, there will only ever be you.”
He stands still holding onto me and carries me into Jimmie and Len’s lounge; he sits down on the sofa with me still in his lap and says in my ear. “I have been without you for four f*ckin’ years. I’ll never be without you again; I might just carry you around like this forever.”
I smile and inside I feel like I did when I first wake up from one of my dreams about him, completely content, cocooned in his arms and his scent but then just like with my dreams, reality comes crashing in, my Mum, my beautiful Mum betrayed me.
Len passes me a glass of wine and what looks like whiskey to Sean. I take a long sip of my drink. “I need to speak to my Mum, I can’t believe she’d do this to me, she knew the mess I was in. We’ve talked so many times and I’ve told her that I still love you, that I will always love you, I just don’t understand.”
I look across at Marley sitting in the armchair. “You okay big brother Marley?”
“Gotta say little sister Georgia that I’m with you, Mum just wouldn’t do that, surely Mum wouldn’t do that?” He shakes his head, and then carries on, as if he’s talking to himself. “I don’t know if I’m just over thinking things, but now I am thinking about it, she has gone out of her way over the years to stop you two from having any kind of contact. I just thought it was to protect you George and then after that Sunday the other month.”
I feel Sean hold his breath and squeeze me just a little bit tighter. “After the way you reacted that Sunday, I thought she’d done the right thing but there have been a few times when she’s sort of been a bit irrational about things, the way she told me not to give you our address and she was really pissed off when you found it out that if she had her own agenda? What if there was more to it than just protecting you? Perhaps it was about hiding what she had done, I don’t know, I’m just surmising.”
I’m totally confused and have no idea what he’s talking about.
“I don’t understand Marls, what dya mean, giving me our address, I don’t understand?”
“Ours, mine and Sean’s, she told me not to give you our address because she was worried that you would just turn up unannounced. She said you’d been trying to find out where we lived so that you could stalk Sean.” I’m floored and now, I’m also starting to get more than just a little pissed off.
“Marley, I have no f*ckin’ idea where your place is and I had absolutely no idea that you and Sean lived together.”
Everyone seems to stop what they’re doing, even breathing.
“George, did you never go to the boys place and try and get past the reception area, did you not go there and scream abuse at the security guard and try and kick the doors in?”
I look around the room at everyone; I look up at Sean, who looks at me horrified. “I didn’t know about this babe, you came to our apartment?” What on earth is going on here?
“Are you all deaf, or just f*ckin mad? I have no idea where Marley lives and I had no idea that Sean lived with him, no f*ckin’ idea. Where is this coming from, who told all of you that I had been there causing trouble?”
There’s silence for a long moment as my brothers and Jimmie all look at each other, Jimmie shrugs her shoulders. “Your Mum, George, your Mum told us.”
My bottom jaw quivers as I try to hold onto the hurt and betrayal that I am feeling inside, this is at least equal or maybe even worse than how I’ve felt about Sean’s apparent misdemeanours for the past four years. I burrow into him and look up into his face. He looks pained and kisses my temple, very softly whispering, “Oh babe.”
“Why Sean?” I look around the room at all of them, pleadingly. “Why would she do that to me? Why would she do that to us?” I can’t control the sobs as I speak and once again, Sean pulls me into him and soothes and calms me down.
Eventually I resign myself to what needs to be done, I stand up and miss the closeness of being next to Sean instantly. “I need to call her; I need to talk to her.”
I look at Len and Jimmie. “Can I ask her to come here?”
They look at each other. “It’s ten o’clock George, dya think she’ll come out at this time?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I won’t give her any choice.”
I have this little ball of anger burning in my belly now; if my Mum did this, if my Mum could have prevented the pain and heartache I’ve gone through for the last four years by even a fraction and didn’t, even worse, if she has in fact been behind keeping us apart all this time, then I think my relationship with her is over, without hesitation, I will walk away from her and the business if I find out that she did this, this hurtful, spiteful thing.
I go out to the kitchen, take the phone off its base and with a shaky hand; I dial my parents’ number. My Dad answers. Did he have a part to play in this I wonder as I speak? “Alright Dad, sorry for calling so late, is Mum there?”
“Hello, treacle, how you doin’? Yeah, she’s right here babe, love ya.”
“Love you too Daddy.”
I hear him tell her it’s me, I swallow and lick my lips but I don’t seem to have any moisture in my mouth. “Evening Georgia, what’s wrong?”
What’s wrong, what’s f*cking wrong, where would she like me to start? I want to scream, I want to drag her down the phone line. I decide instead, to get straight to it. “Mum, I need you to come to Jimmie and Lens and I need you to come now, it’s urgent.”
“Georgia! Whatever’s wrong, is someone hurt?” Is someone hurt, is someone f*cking hurt? Hurt like you have no idea mother! My finger nails are digging into the palm of my hand so much it’s painful.
“Yes Mum, someone is hurt. I don’t want you to panic but I need you to get here as quick as you can.”
I end the call before she can say any more and put the phone back on its base and stand and stare at it; Sean’s arms wrap around me and he kisses me in that perfect spot right below my ear, my head swims and I can’t help but give a little sigh and lean back into him. “We have so much to talk about, so much we need to sort out but I swear to God Georgia, I promise you here and now, I will spend the rest of my life making up these last four years to you, regardless what’s happened since. It all started with me, me and my own stupidity, I will never put you through anything like that again, I want you back G, I want you with me, and I want it how it should have been all these years, Sean and Georgia.”
I turn around and look at him, He looks down at my hand, it’s at my throat, and he reaches out and moves my hand out of the way and brushes his fingers over my G. “You still wear it?”
He brushes his knuckles, gently over my cheek and smirks. “Are you blushing Georgia Rae?” He licks his index finger and runs it over my face, making a sizzling noise, like my face is frying him.
“Yes, I still wear it; it was the only piece of you I’ve allowed into my life these past four years. I wanted you near, I wanted to feel you but I didn’t want to look at you and be reminded of what I had lost.” He closes his eyes as if what I am saying is painful, he nods his head slightly.
“This is so f*cked up G, you won’t believe this.” He pulls his t-shirt over his head, he’s so much bigger than I remember him but he was only just eighteen then, he’s a grown man of twenty-two now and ripped and toned to f*ck; he lifts my chin with his finger. “Eyes up here G, this is what I wanted to show ya, not my abs, although I’m happy to show them later too.”
He winks at me as he speaks. “But look, look at this.” He points to the tattoo on his chest; it’s the exact replica of my necklace, the letter G, being held up by angel’s wings. “I wanted a piece of you, a piece of you to always be with me but I couldn’t have it where I could see it all the time, it hurt, every time I looked at it, every time I caught a glimpse it served as a reminder of how badly I’d f*cked up and how much I had lost.”
I cover my mouth with my hand while trying to hold in a sob, it’s pointless, I’ve held them in for far too long, four years in fact, he pulls me into his arms. “Hey, hey hey, it’s okay, we’re here G, we found our way back to each other, we’re meant to be G. They won’t break us, not now. I’m never losing you again.”
I kiss his bare chest and lick my tears off of him, he looks down at me. “This one’s for you too.” He tilts his head so that I can see the tattoo he has around his neck, it curls from his throat, around the top of his shoulder.
I read it out loud. “There’s no one else. There never was. It’s still only ever you.” I touch it ever so gently with the fingers of my right hand and look up at him.
“It’s from ‘With Me’.” I draw my eyebrows in together.
“What’s that?” He frowns at me and smiles, and then shakes his head.
“Our biggest seller, the one that went platinum.” I swallow hard and look down at the floor.
“I don’t know any of your songs Sean, I couldn’t listen, I couldn’t listen to any music until a couple of months ago, but I’ve never been able to listen to yours. I couldn’t bear to hear your thoughts or your feelings, I stopped reading magazines, I stopped listening to the radio, I used to hide in the toilet if your songs came on in the pub.” I feel like such an idiot now, admitting to all of this. “It just hurt too much to hear or see anything related to you.” I swipe at my running nose.
He grabs at me and pulls me in so tight to him. “F*ck baby girl, f*ck, I’m so sorry.”
I stand and let him hold me, my head spinning with everything that has happened so far tonight. I have no idea what to think right now, is that it? Without a word, without any kind of discussion, am I just going back to him? Am I just going to allow him back into my life? Before I get any further with that thought, the front doorbell rings.
He looks down at me. “Sean and Georgia, they’ll never break us again.” He kisses me on the mouth and then pulls his t-shirt back over his head, takes my hand and leads me to sit back down on the sofa.