CHAPTER 12
As horny as Cam makes me feel, he doesn’t stay over Saturday night; we talk for a bit longer and arrange to speak during the week. I’ve given him the number to the shop as well as my home, he has no idea what a big deal that is for me, I don’t give any blokes my number, none at all.
I head over to my parents for lunch on Sunday and groan when I see my Mum sweeping the porch as I pull up in the taxi I’ve had to book. Jim picked me up for the dress fittings yesterday so I’ve been able to hide the fact that my car is off the road, until now. My Mum stops what she’s doing and leans on her broom while she watches me pay and get out of the cab.
“Where’s your car George?”
“Hello Mum, these are for you.” I hand her a bunch of carnations, her favourites.
“Oh thanks babe, mmm, they smell beautiful. Where’s your car?”
“Oh I left it at a friend’s last night, because I had too much to drink. He’s going to drop it back later. Is Bailey here?” I ask, noticing my brother’s Range Rover in the drive. I start to head into the house before she can say any more about the car.
“Yeah, he’s in there somewhere, talking business with your Dad.”
The house my parents now live in is a barn conversion, it’s absolutely beautiful, high ceilings and exposed beams; they had to adhere to all kinds of building regulations to get the job done and bring in a few specialists but the end result was spectacular. My favourite thing about it was the galleried landing that ran all around the upstairs, part of the flooring down stairs were the original flagstones and part was timber, it was sleek and modern but warm and cosy at the same time. I headed to my Dad’s office as this is where I could hear his and Bailey’s voices coming from, I put my head around the door, they both had their bums perched on the edge of my Dad’s huge desk. Thoughts of Cam and what we had almost done in his office Thursday night popped into my head and my cheeks instantly flushed, my Dad was sipping from a whisky tumbler, Bails was inspecting a shot gun, probably the latest edition to my Dad’s collection. He always kept guns and enjoyed shooting, game and clays but he had got into it even more since they moved. This house was on five acres, he had deer, pheasant and plenty of rabbits out the back, a huge pond and stables where my Mum kept here two horses, well one was mine, but I’d been very negligent lately and hadn’t ridden in weeks.
“Ello Princess,” my Dad said as soon as he spotted me, he held his arms open and I walked right into them, breathing in the smell of him deeply. Drambuie and Tabac aftershave, no matter how many different designer aftershaves people bought him, my Dad always resorted back to his old favourite and I’m so glad that he did. To me that smell was home, safety, love and security, that smell was, when I was a little girl, how I assumed all Dad’s smelt and I loved it. He held me tight and breathed me in. “F*ckin’ ell Georgia, you’re skin and bone. What have you been doin’ to yourself? Your mother really needs to fatten you up.”
“Thanks Dad, I love you too.” I pull away and give Bailey a cuddle and my head spins as I take in the smell of his Givenchy aftershave. “Big brother Bailey, how are you? I’ve missed ya, you smell lovely.”
He squeezes me so hard I can hardly breathe. “Baby sister Georgia, how the f*ck are you? It’s been way too long. F*ck, you’re skinny.”
“Bailey, language please, it’s Sunday.” We all turn and laugh at my Mum; her and my Dad both grew up in Plaistow, my Dad still had a real cockney accent but my Mum spoke much nicer and had always corrected us on our grammar. I never dropped my H’s or said ain’t, grub or gissit… instead of give me it… around my Mum. When we travelled on business most people assumed we came from London but they had no idea which part and would never have guessed at my mother’s working class roots. I most definitely wasn’t posh but around my Mum, I wasn’t common either, away from my Mum and work was an entirely different story.
“Mum, what difference does it make what day of the week it is, swearing is swearing, if your mate the Big G Man up there, don’t like it, then he don’t like it any day, not especially on a Sunday.”
“His name is God, Bailey Michael Layton, or our holy father and you should be more respectful. Francis, talk to your son.” My Mum was still a practising Catholic, my Dad not so much, we had all been christened in the Catholic Church and educated through the Catholic school system but none of us went to church, unless it was to make my Mum happy.
Jimmie and Lennon’s wedding was being held at the Catholic Cathedral in Brentwood and I knew from family weddings I had attended in the past that it was at least a two hour ceremony, well at least they always felt that long. This next wedding would be excruciatingly long; Sean and I, both of us, standing in a church, watching two of the people we love most in the world get married. Well it would be agony for me, he probably wouldn’t give a shit but then again, Jimmie did say a while back that he did still ask after me and Len said he’d got drunk and cried. What hurt me more than anything was the way he’d given up. He called a lot in the beginning but only for a few weeks and he never wrote or came round when I knew the boys were in England. Perhaps if he’d tried harder to convince me he was sorry, maybe things would be different, maybe I would’ve come to terms with things a little better. I don’t know, it was all too much to think about, I had gone to sleep last night wondering if my young, immature, sixteen year old self had just over reacted at the time. Were my expectations of fidelity and faithfulness way too high? I just don’t know and for the rest of today at least, I wasn’t going to think about any of it, or at least try not to.
Sunday lunch was as always when my Mum cooked it, absolutely perfect, later in the afternoon, Jimmie and Lennon came over, Bailey was living at my parent’s at the moment as he had recently split with his long term girlfriend Donna and was looking for somewhere new to live.
Despite my brothers all living elsewhere now, my Dad had still had one of the stables converted into a soundproofed studio, it’s where we all sat now. Me lying with my head on Baileys lap as we both sat on the old Chesterfield sofa. Len sat on a bean bag, strumming on an old acoustic guitar that had belonged to one of my brothers and Jim lay on the floor flicking through yet another bridal magazine. Bail’s passed the joint he was smoking down to me and I took a long draw on it, getting stoned and chilling the f*ck out with my brothers was exactly what I needed to do today. Len stood up and came and took the joint from me.
“How about you share the love baby sister?”
“Happy to share big bro, just can’t be arsed to get up and pass it to ya.”
“Lazy cow.”
“Yep, that’s me.”
He plonked himself back down in the bean bag and smoked and strummed, the strumming started to turn into an actual tune. Jimmie rolled over onto her back then jumped up and took the joint from Len, I watched as she took a draw and shook her head at him slightly, the song was probably something by Carnage I assumed by her reaction but I was well on my way to being shitfaced so I actually didn’t care too much. Jimmie must’ve known what I needed and passed the joint back to me, I took one more draw and passed it back to Bails.
“Oh my God, I forgot to ask, how did your date go?” Jim squealed from her spot on the floor.
Bailey turned my head with his hands so that I was looking up into his face. “You finally back in the game and dating George?” I shrug and blush.
“Who was your date with G, anyone we know?”
“I told ya, she had a date with the bloke from the wine bar,” Jimmie replies to Len.
“What wine bar did you meet him in?” Bailey looks down and asks me.
“The one he owns,” Jimmie piped up again, I sat up straight.
“F*ck me George, you said that without moving your lips,” Bailey joked.
“Get you, going out with a bloke that owns a wine bar.”
“It’s a wine bar Len, not a rock band.”
Len raised his eyebrows at my remark. “I wasn’t being sarcastic George.”
I shrugged, I don’t know why I’d said that out loud but it was true, it was just a wine bar, nothing to do with a rock band.
“Which one?” Bailey asked. “Which wine bar does he own?”
“Kings,” I reply.
“You’re dating Cameron King, seriously, f*ck George, does the old man know?” Lennon asks. How does he know Cam I wonder?
“You are kidding Georgia; you aren’t seriously dating Cameron King are you?’
“Yes, well no, I went on a date with him last night, he took me to dinner. How do you two know Cam?” Bailey is standing up now and standing over me and I don’t like the way this conversation is going.
“Georgia, everybody knows Cam, you do know who he is right?” I shake my head and shrug my shoulders. “Cameron King owns half of London and most of Essex, he’s partners with us in Kings but only because his wife’s sister sold us her share and he couldn’t do anything about it. Does Dad know? He’s dangerous George, I mean it, he’s f*cking dangerous.”
Baileys pacing the floor in front of me, I don’t understand what his problem is; Cam’s a nice bloke, from what I know of him. Why didn’t he tell me he was in partnership with my Dad? Why the f*ck didn’t he tell me he had a wife?
“He’s married?” I swear Jimmie could read my mind.
Bailey shook his head. “He was she’s dead.”
What the f*ck?
“What, how did she die?”
Bailey scratched at the stubble on his jaw. “I don’t remember all the details, she was pregnant and it all went tits up, her and the baby both died, he was a mess, he was completely f*cked up by it all, he’s only sorted himself out this last couple of years. Did you not know none of this?”
No I didn’t, he’d mentioned that he knew my Dad; surely he must have guessed that I would find out. Did he want me to find out like this? I felt a little hurt but then at the end of the day, I hadn’t been exactly forthcoming with the details of my past.
“It was our first date; it’s not exactly first date conversation is it?”
Bailey stops pacing and looks at me. “No sorry it’s not. Look George, I know this is bollocks but you really do need to stay away from him, he’s bad news, Dad will go mental and he’s way too old for you anyway.”
“How old is he?”
“You went out with him and you didn’t even know how old he was?”
I shrug and shake my head again. “Just tell me Bailey, how f*ckin’ old is he?”
“I’m not sure, he’s older than me, I think he’s about thirty-five, thirty-six, too old for you and Dad will not be happy when he finds out, I’m not happy George.”
“What’s Dad’s problem with him?”
“Our paths have crossed his a few times, he owns a few bars and clubs, and he’s got quite a lot of fingers in quite a lot of pies. He owned Kings with his wife, and when she died it went to her sister, I forget her name but she’s a right bitch, hates him with a passion, and blames him for her sister’s death. Anyway, she got her sisters share of the club, King wanted to buy her out but she wouldn’t let him, she wanted to sell to anyone but him.” He shrugs. “She just wanted to f*ck him over, we heard she was looking for a buyer, put in an offer and she took it but as part of the deal, we can’t sell on to him for at least ten years, he offered Dad all sorts but the club does well so why wouldn’t we want in, he made a few threats at first but he was such a mess at the time that we didn’t take them seriously. Anyway, he has nothing to do with the place, it’s his in name only, pretty much the same as us, we own it but the club runs itself. We have people we trust in there and no doubt so does he but I’m telling you now George, Dad won’t be happy if he finds out you’re seeing him.”
I don’t believe this, my brain is running in slow mode, I’m too stoned to think it all over right now, I slump back down into the sofa and let out a huff, Jimmie throws herself down next to me. “Well that’s f*ckin’ bollocks, do you like him G? You seemed excited yesterday, about your date I mean.”
“Excited is pushing it a bit Jim, I f*cked it all up anyway, he asked about what Lennon and Marley did for work and I went into meltdown.”
Jim takes my hand in hers. “Oh George, I am sorry, all this time. I really wish you’d talk to him George, you’re both so unhappy, if you’d just talk, even if you don’t get back together, you might at least sort out some of your issues so you can both move on.”
I look down at where our fingers are laced together; my other hand is at my necklace. “How is he Jim?” I’d never, not in almost four years, no matter how desperately I wanted to know, asked her this.
“He’s sad George, he gets on with his days, he writes songs that are so obviously about you, he drinks too much, he snorts too much Charlie, he smokes too much weed, he f*cks too many women but all just to try and forget you.”
Lennon is listening to what we are saying, he passes the joint to me that he’s just fired up. “I really wish you two would talk before the wedding Porge, I don’t want the pair of you not enjoying the day because you’re worrying about the other one being there.”
“I’ll be fine.” I shrug. I won’t, I’ll be far from fine but I didn’t want Jim and Lennon worrying about how I’d be handling their big day.
“You’ve been sayin’ that for nearly four years G and look at ya, you’re skinny as f*ck and still can’t bear to hear his name mentioned, this whole thing between the two of you is seriously f*cked.”
Bailey is lying on the floor with his long legs stretched out in front of him and his head resting on the bean bag. “I’m sorry George, I didn’t realise you were still such a mess over Sean.”
“Shush!” Jimmie glared at Bails. “We don’t say his name when Georgia’s here.”
“You’re f*ckin’ kiddin’ me right?” His eyes looked between all of us, I shook my head.
“We don’t say his name, we don’t talk about the band, and we don’t play music.”
Bailey was sitting up now with his elbows resting on his knees. “Why Porge, why?”
My eldest brother hadn’t been around to witness how close Sean and I had become over the years; he had no idea how deep our love had become. “Because I love him so much Bails, because it still hurts so f*ckin’ much, because I am still, just barely hanging on.”
“Oh Georgia, I’m so sorry, I had no f*ckin’ idea, I’m your big brother, I should’ve been here instead of letting Donna keep me away, I’m so f*ckin’ sorry baby girl.” He pulls me down onto the floor, into his lap, everyone in the room is crying, everyone except me.
“What the f*ck is that?” I ask as I hear a rumbling sound coming from outside, Bailey frowns.
“I don’t know.”
“Oh f*ck.”
Lennon stands up and looks from me to Jimmie, she shakes her head slightly at him and they both sit down on the sofa. “Ha, it’s a bike, it must be Marley, f*ck I can’t remember the last time we were all together.”
“Marley has a bike?” I ask, I know nothing about the life of the brother I was once so close to, I didn’t even know that he was in the country. I really need to start building bridges with him, there were less than three months until the wedding and I didn’t want any kind of an atmosphere between us on the day. I’d been thinking about this for a while now and if he was here now, well today was as good a day as any to make a start. The sound of the engine had gone quiet.
“He’ll go in and see the rents first, skin up Bails.” Lennon stated, yeah I thought, skin up Bails, talking to my brother again after almost four years would be so much easier to do stoned, I actually giggled to myself as I thought this.
Jimmie looked at me and smiled. “You mashed Georgia?”
I giggle again. “F*ck Jamie, I think I am.”
We lean into each other like we used to back in the day, the door to the studio swings open and in walks Marley, Sean, and two girls. My world stops turning and without any hesitation, consideration or thought of any kind I just look at him and say on a sob. “No, oh God no.”
“F*ck Gia.” He starts to move toward me.
“Get out!” Bailey roars at him.
“Georgia!” he calls out.
“Get the f*ck out Maca!”
“No Bails, let me talk to her, G, please, can we talk G, and I just wanna talk.” I don’t know what to do; my eyes just roam over his face, his eyes, his nose, his chin, his beautiful face that I have missed so much, so very much.
“What do you wanna do George, shall I f*ck him off out of it or dya wanna talk to him?” I take a few deep breaths, trying to steady my voice before I ask him to stay.
“Who the f*ck’s she Maca?” The girl standing just inside the door asks, she’s short and blonde, with massive tits. Haley, she looks just like Haley, I can’t do this.
“Get out!” he shouts at the girl. “Get out, get out, get out!” She looks stunned but turns around and leaves, his eyes swing back to mine, pleadingly. “G, please baby, just talk to me, I miss you so much, so f*ckin’ much.”
“Go,” I whisper.
“No G, no, please, just five minutes, there’s so much I need to tell ya, I love you so much Gia.”
“Go Sean, go!” I scream. Bailey knocks me off his lap as he throws himself toward him.
“Get the f*ck out, you’ve hurt her enough, no more Maca, no f*ckin’ more, else I swear I will kill you with my bare hands you cunt.”
I stand up but the room spins so I sit, Jimmie is next to me on the sofa, she’s sobbing, Len and Bailey are trying to drag Sean out of the door but he’s fighting them and calling my name and there to the left is Marley, standing all alone and just sobbing and shaking his head and my heart try’s its very hardest to break into even more pieces but it’s packed so tightly together behind that wall, that try as it might, it’s held in place, still and hard by all those bricks. I want to cry, I want to go to Marley and tell him that I don’t blame him, I want to go to Sean and tell him its okay, I forgive him and I want to be with him. Instead I wrap my arms around myself and scream and scream at every one to go and then finally, after so very long, I cry, Jimmie holds me while I cry, then my Mum is there and I cry, there is so much commotion going on outside. I can hear my brothers shouting, I can hear my Dad shouting but above all, I can hear Sean shouting and calling out my name.
My Doctor said it needed to happen, that I had held things in for far too long and what happened over the next few days, needed to happen. Basically what I had was a bit of a breakdown; I spent a couple of days in my old room at my parents, doing nothing but cry, then another couple of days staring into space, finally on Thursday I got up and showered, I pulled on a pair of trackies and a sweatshirt that I had at my Mums and went downstairs. I looked a mess, I had barely eaten, my eyes were puffy and my face blotchy from all the crying but I actually felt okay. My Mum had given me a couple of Valium Sunday night and a couple more on Monday so those days had gone by in a blur. Jim had been and sat with me Tuesday; Ash came over for a while on Tuesday night. I’d asked my Mum if she would call Marley and ask him to come and see me on Monday but I hadn’t heard anything from him. I’d fallen asleep around ten o’clock after Ash had come over again on Wednesday and when I woke at about two in the morning, he was there, sitting in the chair next to my bed, watching me sleep.
For some reason I was freezing, so I smiled at him and said, “Marley George Layton, would you please get in here and give me a cuddle, I’m freezing my f*ckin’ tits off.”
He smiled back and said, “F*ck, it must be cold, coz you’ve got some f*ckin’ tits to freeze off there girl.”
He kicked off his shoes and got into bed next to me, repeating an act that we had carried out throughout our lives, up until these past five or six years. We both lay on our sides and I spooned into his back.
“Don’t you dare fart on me,” I told him.
“Oh please George, don’t make out, we all know you’re the farter of the family.”
“Yeah right Marls, anyway, at least when I fart it smells of roses, yours smells like something crawled up your backside and died.”
“Hark at you, f*ckin’ Avon arse.”
We both fell silent after trading insults, then I quietly said. “Marls?”
“Porge?”
“I’m so glad you’re here.”
“I’m so glad you wanted me here.”
“Let’s never not talk again.”
“No problem.”
“Porge?”
“Marls?”
“I am so sorry for everything.”
“I know you are Marls, let’s go to sleep.”
I slept soundly the entire night with my brother there to look after me; when I woke in the morning he was gone but I now felt like I was done with the crying and ready to face the world again.
My Mum was sitting on a stool at the bench top, flicking through a magazine when I walked into the kitchen, the radio was playing and my Mum instinctively lent across to turn it off as I came into the room. “Morning, its fine Mum, leave it on, please.”
She beamed. “Are you sure George?’
“I’m positive Mum, what time did Marley go?”
“He left about five, he had a flight to catch, they’re on a chat show or something in Ireland tonight.” I proceeded to make myself a coffee, aware of my Mums eyes on me.
“Thanks for looking after me Mum, sorry for all the trouble.”
“Georgia, you’re my daughter, looking after you will never be any trouble, I’m your mother, it’s my job to look after you.” I give her a cuddle and a kiss on the cheek. “You’ve had a lot of calls here and at the shop and someone called Cam dropped your keys off, Ash bought them over with her; they’re on the hall table.”
Shit, Cam, I would have to get in touch with him and explain where I’d been all week. I nodded as my Mum reeled off the messages, they were mainly from the girls at work, then she said, “Sean has called a couple of times a day, every day, he begged to come and see you but your Dad and Bailey were having none of it, but what do you want George? Do you want to see him? If it’s going to set you off again, then I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
She watched me, waiting on an answer as I sipped some more of my coffee. “Seeing him won’t set me off, I don’t think anything will set me off like that again, I don’t know why I reacted like that but, it won’t happen again.”
“I do,” my Mum stated. “Because you bottled everything up, you can’t do that George, you need to open up a little bit, let us all back in, we love you and we all want to help you move on. Who’s this Cam? Ash said he’s really nice.” Oh shit, how do I explain this one? “He’s really nice Mum but I don’t know if he’s for me.”
“Why, you need to move on Georgia, you really do; Sean’s not spent the last four years sitting around moping, he’s in the paper nearly every day with a different girl on his arm, all of them stunning… slutty looking but stunning.”
“Mum! I said I was ready to see him, I don’t want to hear about his love life or the women he’s shagging and as for Cam, well Bailey’s not happy, he knows him and has told me I’m not to see him again.”
“Bailey said that?”
“Yes Mum.”
“Why, why on earth would he say that?”
“Because it’s Cameron King Mum, the bloke I went out with Saturday night is Cameron King.”
My Mum’s mouth actually fell open.
“Oh shit, f*cking hell Georgia, your Dad will go berserk.” I let out a long sigh, my Mum just swore, that meant it was bad, very bad if it had made my Mum swear.
“Yes Mum, that’s pretty much what Bailey said but he didn’t swear.”
I looked at my Mum pointedly; I would have got into so much trouble for swearing like that. “Well, I’m sorry George, I’m just saying it like it is, I understand the attraction, Cameron King is bloody gorgeous but you need to stay away from him, he’s a dangerous bloke to be around, he’s involved in all sorts, he runs all these raves that the kids go to out in the middle of a field.” What was she on about?
“Mum, Cam runs a perfectly respectable wine bar, why would he be organising raves?”
“Because of the drugs Georgia, he organises the raves so his people can sell their drugs to all the kids, your Dad thinks I don’t know about any of this stuff but of course I bloody know I’m not stupid.”
“What has this got to do with Dad?”
“George, really, you are not stupid enough to think that our lifestyle is provided by your Dad’s building firm and a couple of car fronts are you?” I look at her, totally confused.
“Well he’s got the clubs and the pubs and the gym and the houses he rents out.”
“George, they’re all a front, well most of them are. Your Dad has many sources of income, all of those you just mentioned plus he’s got a couple of brothels and a sex shop in Soho, he’s into all sorts George, your Dad is a bit of a wheeler and dealer and it’s made him very rich, I thought as you got older, you would have worked all this out.” Shit, no I hadn’t, how stupid was I?
“I thought he was an entrepreneur, that’s what he told me when I was little, that he was an entrepreneur.” Of course my Dad’s dealings were dodgy, why else would he have a driver and at least one minder with him all the time, how else had he always been able to ‘pull a few strings’ to get things done, all of my life and how had I been oblivious to this fact?
“Well he is I suppose, it’s just some of his ventures aren’t exactly legal, that’s why everything to do with our little business is in mine and your names only, there’s nothing to trace it back to your Dad at all but anyway, aside from all of that, your Dad’s dealings have bought him into contact with Cameron King over the years. They’ve fallen out a few times but I think at the moment things are polite between them, they are businessmen from different companies to term it loosely, one company is always looking to take over the other, both looking to be head of the company or more to the point, Governor of the manor.” She folds her arms across her chest.
“George, if Dad found out you were seeing Cam, things could get nasty and I’m not being overly dramatic when I say that.”
Bloody hell, all this time… all this time I’ve not allowed myself feel anything for anyone and the minute I do, it’s someone my parents don’t approve of and Sean just happens to pop up and make an unexpected, with a Whorely lookalike in tow. Added to all of this, is the fact that Cam must have known I’d find all of this out. Why didn’t he warn me? Why didn’t he let me know of his business connections with my family?
“Mum, it was just one date, it’s not like we’ve booked the church for our wedding. We just had dinner.”
My Mum tucks a stray lock of my hair behind my ear and runs her fingertips over the side of my face. “Well you obviously had an effect on him during that one date; Ash said that he has been in the shop twice a day, every day to find out how you are.”
“How the bloody hell did he know I was sick?” Great, all I want is Cam knowing about my little melt down, he already thinks I have screw lose after my little performance Saturday night. I can’t help but wonder if opening up just a little bit to him, was the catalyst for this little breakdown of mine.
“Well I phoned Ash to let her know that you wouldn’t be about this week because you were sick. That was on Monday morning, then apparently Cam came into the shop Monday afternoon looking for you. He said he’d called at the flat Sunday night, had phoned you and was worried, she explained that you were sick and staying here, he hasn’t called here for obvious reasons and instead called into the shop every morning and every afternoon to ask how you were doing.”
She gestures toward the dining table with her head. “And they’ve been arriving every morning since Monday.” I look towards the table, which isn’t actually visible, due to the fact that there are around twelve vases of flowers covering it.
“Shit!” My Mum actually doesn’t reprimand my swearing for the first time ever.
“Oh there’s more.” She gestures toward the fireplace. “I had to go out and buy more vases yesterday.”
There must be at least another eight vases covering the hearth and mantle of my parents huge brick fireplace but these flowers are different, the ones on the table are big bouquets of mixed flowers, the ones on the fireplace are just white Arum lilies, my favourite flower, I get the usual head spin and belly roll the instant I think about him and I swallow hard but I’m okay; I look towards my Mum.
“Sean?” I don’t know why I’m asking, because I already know. She nods her head.
“He’s called daily, he really wants to see you George but your Dad won’t hear of it, he thinks you need time, he wants to send you away on a holiday, a week in Marbella or Portugal, a bit of time away from work and all of this.” She gestures toward the flowers. “Wait till he finds out about Cam, he’ll be wanting to send you to Auntie Kath in Australia for a year.”
A holiday sounds good but I need to try and get my head a little straighter first, what do I feel about Cam now that I know what I do and am I ready to talk to Sean? “Oh Georgia, you’re so grown up in many ways and so na?ve in so many others, I forget you’re only twenty sometimes, everything that went on between you and Sean, you were both so young, I feel so guilty about it, I should have protected you more.”
“Protected me from what Mum, love? How do you protect someone from love?”
“It’s not the love that’s the problem George; it’s the heartache that goes with it. You were so convinced that Sean was the one, I just let you get on with it.”
“Mum, please try and understand, Sean is the one, there is and never will be anyone else, he’s been the one since the day I first clapped eyes on him when I was eleven years old and there’s nothing, you or anyone else can ever do to change that fact.”
“I know George… I know and it scares me, I’m scared for you. That you’ll go through life, never loving like that again.”
I shrug my shoulders. “I’ve survived the last four years.”
My Mum shakes her head. “No you haven’t George, you’ve existed and you’ve only just about done that and I want more than that for you. I want you to fall in love again, get married, have babies; I don’t want you to just exist.”
My Mum twirls my hair in her fingers and I think of Cam, Sean, Cam, Sean, Cam, it’s making me bloody dizzy, still better than just being stuck on Sean, Sean, Sean all the time. “But in saying all that,” my Mum continues, “I don’t want you and Sean getting back together if he’s going to carry on the way he is and for you to just accept it. I bought you up better than that George, I know that the money and the power that goes hand in hand with what your Dad does attracts women, women that would give and do anything to be in my place and I’m not stupid, I’m sure that there have been times that your Dad has strayed but he’s never done it openly or blatantly. I’ve never heard so much as a whisper of him ever being unfaithful and it’s still my bed he comes home to every night but I don’t know if Sean is capable of that, I don’t doubt he loves you George, I think he loves you with a passion beyond reason but I don’t know if he’s strong enough to resist all the temptation that’s put in his way, and I wouldn’t want to see you go through that.”
I let out a big long sigh, I’ve been so busy these last four years, concentrating on shutting everyone out, avoiding any kind of emotions, trying to just survive each and every painful day, that I have failed to notice the effect all of this has had on the people that care about me. I love my parents and hate the fact that I am causing them so much worry. “Mum, I have no plans to get back with Sean.”
As much as I would love to. “I’d never be with him knowing he was shagging about, it would kill me, like you say, you’ve bought me up to be better than that. I hope that one day, I will be able to find someone that will love and take care of me but I will always have to be honest and up front with them, they will have to know from the very beginning that I will only ever love Sean, I can’t change that, it is what it is. Please don’t worry about me and you’re right in what you said about this little episode, it needed to happen, it should’ve happened four years ago but it’s happened now, I’ve finally managed to shed some tears over it and I am ready to move on, I’m ready to listen to music again.” I smile at her.
“Hmmm, well that will be a feat in itself George, every other song seems to be one of the bands and most of them are about you.”
WHAT??
“What dya mean they’re about me?”
“Well they aren’t called ‘This Song Is About Georgia’ but seeing as Sean writes most of them and I know him like I know my own children, I know they’re about you. When you’re feeling ready, listen to some of their music, listen to the words and you’ll understand, especially I got it wrong and the other one, the one they got all the awards for.” I shrug, I have no idea, I know nothing of the band and their achievements, other than that they are now very famous.
“With me… it’s called ‘With me’ George, it’s one of the few ballads they sing, it’s beautiful, Sean’s voice…” she trails off. “Anyway, when you’re ready, give them a listen.”
My head is spinning by the time my Mum drops me home with orders to take the rest of the week off and to have a quiet weekend. The first thing I plan on doing is confronting Cam, I have had this horrible little thought going around in my head and before I decide where my feelings are going with this man, I need to find out if he’s just playing a game. Is he using me to get at my Dad? Is he trying to find out my secrets so that he can use them as leverage in some way?
I change into a pair of jeans and my Chucks that I bought in America on a business trip with my Mum, she hates them, and I love them and the fact that no one else wears them. I pull on a sweatshirt as it’s a bit cold outside and put a bit of makeup on, a whole morning of not crying has improved my puffy eyes but my face is still a bit blotchy.
I head back down the stairs and have a look at my car, I had to ignore it when my Mum dropped it off, she has no idea it was damaged, or why and that Cam has had the repairs done. This is what I don’t understand, why would he do that, if he was just using me to get at my Dad, wouldn’t he find it amusing to let my Dad know that his daughter is a two timing whore and got her car smashed up because of it? I have all of this going through my head as I make the ten minute walk up the high street to the wine bar.
Cam’s car is in its usual spot but the bar is locked, it’s only four in the afternoon. Shit I hadn’t thought about that. I knock on the door and it’s opened by one of the bouncers, he looks surprised to see me. “Alright love? Come in, he’s in the office, just give the door a knock before you go in would ya, he’s been on the phone for the last couple of hours.”
I smile up at the giant of a man, he’s about the same height as Cam but a whole lot wider, he’s bloody huge. The bar is empty apart from one barman restocking the shelves, Mr Big and another bouncer who are in the middle of eating something up at the bar, they all watch me as I come through the door but smile nicely and then carry on with their conversation as I head to the office at the back, as I get closer I can hear Cam talking and he doesn’t sound happy.
“I don’t care; he’s a piss taking cunt… No, he’s been given more than enough chances and more than enough time… No Eddie, people will think I’m going soft, I’ve tried to be fair but I want my money and I want it by Friday… Well take his f*ckin’ car then and whatever else he’s got that adds up to thirty grand, and tell him he’s arsehole and he’s f*ckin’ lucky I haven’t charged him interest and that I’m leaving him with his balls still intact.”
Shit, angry Cam is scary and so f*cking sexy, I knock on the slightly open door. “Hang on,” he says to whoever is on the phone. “Come in.”
I push the door open slowly and his mouth drops open slightly as he takes me in, I ache instantly, right down low in my belly and my face flushes as I look at him. He’s sitting in the big twirly chair, wearing grey suit trousers and a light blue shirt, the sleeves are rolled up to the elbows and his grey tie has been loosened and his top button is undone, his long legs are crossed at the ankles as his feet rest up on the desk. He was rocking back in the chair when I opened the door but he’s now stopped and is still, without saying another word or taking his eyes off me, he hangs up the phone.
“Kitten,” he sighs my name. I think I just had a mini orgasm, I smile at him, yes, this man definitely affects me, I really hope he’s not using me; I pull gobby George from somewhere.
“How the f*ck are you Tiger, miss me?”
“Georgia, really, language.”
“Errrm pot calling the kettle black there I think, after what I just heard you saying on the phone.”
His whole demeanour changes in a split second and he sits up straight in his chair. “And what exactly do you think you heard me say on the phone?”
Shit, I do not like this Cam… well maybe I do, a bit.
“I heard you swear, a lot, that was all.”
He leans back in his chair as his eyes look me up and down. “You look skinny kitten, are you feeling better?”
“I know, I’ve lost some weight this week but I’m feeling much better now; were you worried?”
He doesn’t answer my question but instead says, “Come here.” I think about it for a second, he raises his eyebrows, daring me to disobey.
“Yay, are we gonna twirl?” He lets out the biggest laugh as he pulls me into his lap and sniffs my skin, right below my ear, my nipples are instantly hard and my skin is covered in goose bumps. The phone rings, he reaches around me, picks up, then puts it down again, waits a few seconds then takes it back off the hook and lays it on its side. He holds me at arm’s length and looks over my face.
“Are you sure you’re okay, you look tired and very sad.” His words make my insides melt; I let out a long sigh as I remember why I’m here.
“Why did you take me out Saturday night Cam? Why have you bought me champagne in the past? Why did you get my car fixed?” He holds me around the waist with his right arm, his big hand is splayed over my belly as I sit sideways on to him, still in his lap, I can smell him, I actually blink to try and remain focused.
“I like you George, I’ve liked you since that very first night that you walked in here, I’ve told you this; why, why are you asking?”
“Are you using me?”
“What the f*ck are you talking about, in what possible way could I be using ya? You ain’t even let me f*ck ya.”
“Why didn’t you tell me about your business relationship with my family?” He puffs his cheeks and blows out a big puff of air that makes his hair move. I can’t take my eyes off those full soft lips.
“Kitten.” he says very quietly, and then pauses for a second as he rubs his index finger backwards and forwards over his bottom lip and I almost sigh out loud… Focus Georgia!
“I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t know what you knew about your Dad’s business dealings, I didn’t want to be causing any trouble.”
“Why would it cause trouble?”
“Georgia, your Dad’s a very private person and I respect that, any information concerning his business affairs are up to him to divulge, not me.” And here it is again, that posh words, common accent of his again.
“But I’m his daughter.”
“Well yes, I f*ckin’ know that now don’t I, but I had no idea who you were when I first bought you drinks. I only realised that the night you came over here for a drink with me, that’s why I, that’s why.”
“That’s why you ignored me, that night, that’s why you went all weird on me?” F*ck and I thought it was because of something he might have read, shit, I threw a drink in his face for thinking that as well, oops.
“When you told me that night who you were, I… I just thought it would be better to walk away. I know your Dad George, he’s private and very, very possessive of his family, I had no idea he had a daughter, knew he had boys but I’ve only ever met Bailey and he’s exactly like your Dad. I take it your other two brothers don’t work for the fam… Oh shit sorry, f*ck, you don’t like talking about them do ya, sorry.”
I feel weirdly happy that, that thought had popped into his head. “Anyway, I couldn’t get you out of my head but decided to stay away, I like my head being attached to my shoulders and knowing your Dad and brother the way I do I decided that the best way to keep it there was to stay away from you.”
He strokes his knuckle over my cheek bone and I can’t help but lean into it. “But I couldn’t, every couple of weeks you would parade in here with a different idiot all f*cking over you and it was all I could do to not knock them the f*ck out, but I didn’t want to cause trouble I didn’t want to cause trouble with you and I didn’t want there to be trouble between me and the Layton’s and then last week, when you turned up with no dick, shit shag, I couldn’t keep a lid on it anymore.”
He looks me right in the eye and grinds his obvious hard on into my hip. “I’ve had a hard on for you Kitten, since the first time I laid eyes on you and when that little prick told me you was with him and then put his hands on you the way he did, I f*ckin’ lost it. Good job Benny was there to hold me back, coz I was ready to kill the cunt, I wish I f*ckin’ had now, seeing as what he did to your car just cost me two grand.”
What?
“My car cost you two grand? Cam, you can’t be paying that for me.”
He totally ignores me; he seems to do that a lot when I say something he doesn’t like.
“Why did you ask if I was using you? I still don’t understand where that came from?”
I feel guilty now, should I tell him why I thought he was using me? I let out a deep breath.
“I thought you were using me to get at my Dad; Bails told me that you weren’t happy about him owning a share of Kings, I thought perhaps you were trying to get at him through me, find out my secrets, tell them to him, tell him that you had f*cked his daughter.”
He throws his head back and laughs that big loud laugh of his “Kitten, do you seriously think I have a death wish? If I ever got to f*ck Frankie Layton’s daughter, the last thing I would ever do is tell him about it, he would blow my f*ckin’ balls off, and then feed them to me.”
His big laugh is infectious and makes my giggle sound very girly. “Don’t be ridiculous Cam, Bailey would do it before my Dad could get to you, and he’s younger and faster.” I deadpan.
He gives a small shake of his head. “Well I would rather one of them than that psycho uncle of yours.” He’s lost me now.
“Who’s that, not Fin?”
He looks at me wide eyed. “Yes Fin.” He stops whatever he was about to say and sighs deeply. “Kitten?”
“Tiger?”
“Where are we going with this?” he speaks into my neck, in that spot, right bellow my ear, my body reacts in an instant and I’m covered in goose bumps, my nipples harden and I shudder, and that ache between my legs, aches just a little bit more. God I need sex!
“Where would you like to go with this Cam?”
“Where I would like to go, is right over this desk, and then where I would like to go is upstairs to my bed but we’ll get there, eventually.”
“You’re very sure of yourself Mr King.”
“That’s because I generally get what I want Ms Layton and I have you in my sights.”
For some reason that makes my belly do all sorts of acrobatics and I’m lost for words. We stare silently into each other’s eyes, I don’t know what I’m looking for, I don’t know what I hope to see, perhaps it’s myself I should be looking at, perhaps it’s my own eyes I should be looking into for some answers. This man leaves me so confused, he’s so alpha male, so dominating, so different to what I’ve been used to of late, I’m always the one in charge and with him, that’s just not going to happen and I’m beginning to wonder if that’s exactly what I need, instead of planning and scheming on how to get a man to fall in love with me, how to get them to the stage where they can’t live without me. Why not let all of that go? Why not just let go and see what happens, dare I take that chance, can I take that chance?
Then there’s Sean, of course there is, there’s always Sean and as frustrating as it is, I know that there’ll always be Sean. I have just ten weeks until the wedding, ten weeks in which I have to get my head in a space where it can cope with being in the same room as him and I don’t know what to do for the best, whether to just to go with it on the day or to agree to see him beforehand so that we can talk. I know I’m making progress, I’ve proved today that I can now talk about him and I even listened to music but that’s today, I haven’t heard a Carnage song on the radio yet or seen his face on the telly, tomorrows another day and if either of those things were to happen, I have no idea how I will react. I know the majority of the population won’t understand any of this, I didn’t then and I still don’t think I completely do now and unless you have ever experienced that all-consuming, obsessive, takes over every second of your life, kind of love, then you never will.
“Would you like to come over to my place tonight for dinner? I’ll cook, we can talk, because I have questions?” I ask him and feel absolutely gutted when he shakes his head no.
“You’ve been sick, you come to my place, and I’ll feed you Kitten.” Oh good, that’s good then.
“You cook?”
“F*ck no, I never said anything about cooking, I said I’d feed you.”
“So you’re going to feed me raw food?” He gives a toned down version of his usual laugh and a slight shake of his head.
“No, I won’t feed you raw food, I have a perfectly good chef here, where we can order from the menu and have it sent up. If you have nothing to go home for, we can go up now.”
“Well I’m not exactly dressed for dinner.”
“You’re dressed perfectly. I’ve always wanted to have a twelve year old boy with great tits over for dinner.” He tries to keep a straight face as he speaks.
“Do you realise how wrong, on so many levels, what you just said is?” He tilts his head back and considers what he said for a few seconds and I laugh when his eyes widen.
“Shit, f*ck yeah, no, no, I am not, in any way, attracted to twelve year old boys, even if they do have tits like yours, or look like you in any way. F*ck, I don’t like any boys, of any age, or men, blokes, I don’t find… ”
“Okay, okay Cam, I get it, I was joking.” He rakes his hand through his hair and those dark eyes burn right into me.
“Shall we go then, upstairs?” he asks, before I can answer the other phone on his desk rings, he picks it up. “F*ck off,” he says and puts it straight down again. He stands and I slide off his lap.
“Sooo authorative,” I say to him, rubbing his chest as if I’m impressed with the power he exudes, which is actually turning me on no end. He pulls me to him and grinds the erection he still has going on into me, it presses the seam of my jeans, right into my * and I fight to control my bottom jaw as it drops open, I clamp it shut and swallow hard.
“Oh Kitten, you have no idea.”
His breath is hot and right in my ear and on my neck. I grab his arse cheeks and pull him into me tighter, I am on absof*ckinlute fire inside and I know that I’m getting wet, he pushes his fingers through my hair and holds onto the back of my head and looks down at me. “Don’t tease me Kitten, coz I will take you, right here, right now, right over this desk if it’s what you want but you are pushing me to stage where I won’t ask again, I will just take what I want.”
My head swims with his words. How can just words have that kind of effect on me? I bite down on my bottom lip, I do want him, now, on this desk but I need a clear head, I have some questions I need answering before I take this further, because being the sad little compulsive person that I am, I’m afraid I won’t care what the answers are once we have sex and I need to save myself from that fate.