“I could kill that little fucker,” Casey says again. “You know, I had a bad feeling about him from the second I met him, but I thought I was being overly sensitive because of what happened to me. I wish I had trusted my gut.” She looks over at me. “I’m sorry.”
“Casey, there’s no way you could have known things were going to turn out like this. It’s not your fault.” I hold her gaze. “Now or then.” Her eyes fill with tears but she blinks them back. “I’m so sorry,” I continue. “I’m sorry about what happened to you in high school, and even more sorry I turned my back on you.” I curl my knees under me on the sofa. “If I could go back in time . . .”
“We were kids, Rachel. How were you supposed to know how to deal with date rape and a pregnancy you didn’t ask for?” She sighs loudly.
“But I was your best friend.” Tears start to stream down my face again. “And now, to think that could have been Audrey . . .”
Casey grabs my hand. “But it wasn’t. Audrey’s okay. And back then, you didn’t understand what I was going through. Shit, I didn’t even understand . . .” Casey finally lets the tears drop from her eyes. “I just wanted to go back to who I was before . . . everything.”
“Do you want to talk about it now?” I ask gently.
Casey’s chest heaves. “The whole situation was just surreal. My mom—I still don’t understand it—she was so adamant, never asked me what I wanted. Which I guess may have been best. I was so numb and she wanted to sweep it under the rug. I never really thought about what it would mean . . .” Casey trails off and looks out her window toward the twinkling city lights. “You know that’s why I always said I never wanted kids, right?”
“I figured.” I say softly, thinking back to my conversation with Charlie in Santa Barbara. The real reason he and Casey broke up. “Case, I’m so sorry. It must have been awful. I was awful.”
“You were sixteen. And very self-righteous!” She smiles through her tears.
“That’s no excuse. And tonight, when Audrey was so upset, I was so scared that the same thing had happened to her . . .”
Casey leans over to pick up the bottle of wine and refills our glasses. “But it didn’t. Thank God it didn’t. Her mom raised her right.”
I think about Casey’s own mom, a no-nonsense woman who ran her household like it was a Fortune 500 company and she was the CEO. She had handled Casey’s date rape and pregnancy like she would any company crisis, by getting rid of the problem quickly and efficiently. “I’m sorry your mom didn’t give you a choice. If she had—”
“Who knows, Rachel,” Casey says before I can finish my sentence. “I don’t know,” she says again and looks toward her closed bedroom door.
“It’s okay, you don’t have to know,” I offer.
“I’ve thought about it a lot lately,” Casey says. “Being with Charlotte and the kids has made me realize that maybe I do want some of my own. That I can’t let some asshole from twenty years ago ruin the rest of my life, my relationships . . .” Casey trails off before adding, “And there’s something I need you to know. Something I should have told you a long time ago. About me and Charlie.”
I lean back against the pillows and drain my glass, already knowing what she’s about to say. “Tell me,” I say.
“I know you’re probably wondering what happened between us, why I’ve been so adamant about you not rekindling things with him.”
“Why you never even mentioned the cutest guy at your work to me?” I add, and poke her in the arm.
“Yeah.” She smiles. “I never mentioned him because I really liked him. He was so different from any guy I had ever been with. He made me laugh, but also never let me get away with my usual shit. He made me feel like he would love me no matter what happened with my career. And that scared the living bejesus out of me.”
He would, I think. Charlie was the real deal. I think back to our romantic dinner. The way he looked into my eyes, Casey’s eyes, like nothing else mattered. And I feel a little sick thinking about how I’d been playing around the last few weeks with someone she felt so strongly about, even if he did think I was her. Because inside, it had been me, Rachel, who had been falling for him. Again, I had failed Casey as a friend.
“Things were going really well,” she continued. “In fact, I was getting ready to tell you about it, maybe even introduce him to you and John.”
“So what happened?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
“My period came late,” Casey whispered. “I thought I was pregnant. I flipped out, Rachel. I said awful things to him. That he was trying to trap me. That it would ruin my career. That I would get rid of it and there was nothing he could do.” I grab Casey’s shaking hand. “I ruined it. And all over nothing. My period came three days later. I tried to apologize but the damage had been done. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye the next week at work. And the worst part? I cried when I got my period. There was a part of me that desperately wanted that baby.”