Wildest Dreams

chapter 36

November 1886

It was a dark time for everyone. In the Fontaine cemetery, two new headstones were erected. Runner, sixty, had died that past spring, a blow to Luke, especially with the sorrow that had hung over the household for over a year now. Runner had been buried next to a stone that read, Here Lies Ramona, a Sioux Indian, Born Springtime 1867, Died August 1885. Loved by Tyler Fontaine.

Lettie looked out a back bedroom window at the graveyard in the distance. A cold rain pelted the glass, like the coldness that had fallen over the Fontaine family. Ramona had been found lying in the road with a broken neck. Star was found later with a fractured leg and had had to be shot. Luke had arranged for both the horse and Ramona to be brought back on a wagon. Star was buried next to Ramona.

Tyler had sunk into a terrible despair, and even his father couldn't help him. His hatred for Nathan was so great that Nathan had chosen to go and live at the northern line shack so they would hardly ever have to see each other. Lettie and Luke felt as if they had lost both their sons. In May Katie had given birth to another son, Jeffrey Adam, her fourth child, and their own sixth grandchild. Nathan and Leena were expecting the following summer, but the coming of more grandchildren could not erase the sorrow that had filled their hearts since Ramona's untimely death.

There would be no children for Ty and Ramona. Lettie could not help blaming herself, wondering if she had said or done something that night before Ramona ran away that might have upset her so much. Perhaps she shouldn't have carried on so about how Ramona should dress, or about attending the women's club with her. She had not stopped to think of how terrifying such things might be to someone from such a different world. Ramona had been like a sweet child who needed careful guidance and nurturing.

Since her death, Tyler had taken a cabin by himself, wanting to be alone. It tore at her heart to think of how he was suffering, and she knew it hurt Luke, too. He and Ty had always been so close, but now Ty seemed to blame Luke for allowing Nathan to come home in the first place, let alone allowing him continue to live anywhere on the Double L. He seemed to have taken the attitude that as long as Nathan was an accepted son, he wanted nothing to do with the family. She and Luke both knew it was just grief that made him turn away from them. Only time could take care of that. Her only consolation was that Pearl had written letters that bubbled with joy. Pearl, her little girl, was also expecting, in May. She had also gotten several letters from Robbie. He was doing well in college. He missed home, but he intended to stay with his studies right through the summers so that he could finish sooner. He was as determined as ever to realize his dream, just as Luke had always been.

A heavy wind blew the rain harder against the window, and dusk fell into darkness so that she could no longer see the graves in the distance. She heard footsteps behind her then and turned to see Luke.

"I wondered where you were," he told her. "Mae's husband is out doing chores, and Mae is reading in the kitchen. The house is quiet as a tomb."

She closed her eyes. "Don't even put it that way." Tears slipped out of her eyes. "Oh, Luke, it is quiet in here. Too quiet. I miss Pearl and Robbie so much, especially now. I wish Nathan and his family were living here, and Ty and—"

She sniffed. "I wish Katie and Brad and all the grandchildren would move in here. I can't stand this loneliness. It's almost like those first years, only worse, because we've known what it's like to have had all the children little and home, playing and laughing. Now there's just this awful quiet."

Luke walked closer and pulled her into his arms. "Maybe Brad wouldn't mind if Katie brought the kids and stayed here for a month or so this winter," he suggested. "The men think it's going to be one of the worst winters we've had yet. All the horses are growing extra thick winter coats. That's a sure sign."

"Yes, I'd like Katie to come and stay, at least through Christmas. I'm afraid Christmas is going to be like last year's, just Katie and the family. Oh, Luke, it isn't right that Tyler won't come, or Nathan. With Pearl and Robbie gone, the rest of us should be together."

"I'll see if I can get Nathan to come, so we can at least have little Luke and Julie with us." Luke sighed. "Besides, if we're going to have the kind of winter some of the men think we'll have, it won't be safe for Nathan and the kids to stay up there at the line shack. They'll be too isolated. But if they're here, Ty will probably refuse to come again. I'll talk to him." He watched the rain beat against the window. "If only Ramona hadn't gotten it into her head to run off like that, but there is no changing any of it now. Maybe if Ty had been a little older, he could have accepted it a little more easily. At his age, when you lose someone you love you think the world has come to an end, that you'll never love again. He has so many years ahead of him, and Alice Richards asks about Ty every time I see her in town, wonders why he doesn't come to church or any of the dances or social events. Most of the available young men in town are after her, but it seems that Ty is the only one she's interested in. I know she loves him, but he acts as though she doesn't even exist."

"Alice and Ty have been friends almost since her family first moved here eight years ago." Lettie rubbed the backs of her arms. Outside it rained even harder, and she felt a draft near the window. "Luke, it's almost the first of December.

Maybe you should send some men to get Nathan tomorrow, and send someone with a note to Katie, asking if she'll come and stay awhile. I'm worried about this weather."

"Brad will probably want to stay at his ranch, but if the weather gets worse, he'll probably be glad to know Katie and the kids are here. That way he can tend to the sheep without worrying about them."

"Will you try to talk Tyler into coming to the house for Christmas?"

He rubbed at his neck. "I'll try. If he wasn't so big I'd beat some sense into him, but I can't do that anymore."

Lettie smiled sadly. "You've never laid a hand on any of your children, Luke Fontaine, and you never would." She hugged him once more. "I'll never stop praying that this house will be full of love and happiness again, Luke. I'm sorry for what loving me and Nathan has cost you over the years."

He rubbed her back. "Don't ever say that. Nathan deserves to be loved as much as any child. And you..." He grasped her arms and lightly pushed away, looking into the green eyes that had so tempted him over twenty-three years ago. "Meeting and falling in love with you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I'd give up the Double L for you Lettie, and the mines and everything else. I'd give up every bit of it if it meant keeping you with me. You're my life, my strength. We aren't going to let this keep us from striving to get our family back together. We've all been through too much together, and there is too much love in this family for this estrangement to last, especially between me and Ty. Things will work out. God will find a way. He always has before."

She arched her eyebrows. "And this from a man who hates sitting in church."

He grinned sheepishly. "I don't have to sit in church to know how I feel about God or to talk to him. We've had plenty of chats over the years."

She reached up and touched the shadow of a beard on his cheek. There were still a couple of faint white scars where his beard would not grow. Older. So much older, with a fullness to his brawn that made him seem bigger than ever. He was still a powerful man, but there was no getting around the fact that he was getting older. It wasn't fair that there should be this strain between Ty and him in this time of their lives when they should be the happiest they had ever been.

She rested her head against his chest, and outside the wind howled, reminding her of those early days. How strange that when times were happy, she hardly noticed the wind anymore; but when sadness filled the household, again it seemed more haunting and lonely than ever.



"Ty, let me in! I'm freezing!" Tyler opened the door to his little, one-room cabin. He had barely heard the knock above the raging wind. The woman who entered wore a heavy cape and a hood that hid her face so that at first it was difficult to realize who she was.

"Alice?" He stepped back, and Alice Richards dashed inside. Ty closed the door and turned to watch her remove her hood. She hurried over to the potbellied stove in the corner, rubbing her hands over its heat. She looked around the stark little room, which held only a cot, table, and wash-stand, and a few pots and dishes. Some clothes hung on hooks on the walls.

"Ty, why on earth do you stay here when you could be living in that beautiful home on the hill?"

Tyler frowned. "What's it to you?" He wished she wasn't so pretty, with that golden hair and those big, blue eyes. She was a delicate thing, with a warm smile and a sparkle to her eyes, but he did not want to think about her, or the miserable way he had treated her these last couple of years. The memory of Ramona was painful enough.

Alice shrugged. "I just don't understand, that's all. Father and I have been here for a week already, and you haven't shown your face."

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his denim pants. He wore a doeskin jacket against the cold that continued to creep into the cabin in spite of the roaring fire in the wood stove. "You know why. Nathan and his family came down for Christmas. As long as he's there, I'm staying here."

"That's childish," she said quietly. "You're breaking your mother's heart, Ty, your father's, too. One day you'll regret what you're doing to them. I lost my own mother only two weeks ago, and—"

"And that's the excuse my mother used to invite you and your father for Christmas—because my pa and yours are business friends, and my mother likes you and didn't want you to be alone at Christmas after just losing your mother. Well I know the real reason she invited you here, and it won't work."

Alice frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the fact that they think that bringing you here will help me get over Ramona and get me to thinking about somebody else."

Her eyes widened, and her face turned crimson. "You're an arrogant, ignorant fool, Tyler Fontaine, and you're the cruelest person I've ever met!" The last words came out in a quick sob, and she threw her hood back over her head and headed for the door.

Tyler reached out and grabbed her arm. "Wait!"

She remained turned away, breaking into tears.

Ty felt like an ass, hating himself for hurting her again. "I'm sorry, Alice," he said softly, "honest to God I am. All these months I've felt as though I don't even know who I am anymore. I say and do things I don't mean. Part of me wants to lash out and hurt people, and another part of me feels terrible about it. I really am sorry."

The fresh pain of her mother's death was still with her, and her agony over this young man she loved so much only made the tears come harder. "You have so much, Ty and you're just... throwing it all away! You have brothers and sisters... and a wonderful father and mother. My mother is gone, and I never had any brothers and sisters. Don't wait... until it's too late to appreciate what you have, Ty. I care too much about you to see you hurting." She turned to face him, tears running down her cheeks. "I thought once that... that you cared about me, too. And then after Nathan came home and brought Ramona with him, I hardly ever saw you anymore." She sniffed and pulled away from him. "I'm sorry it happened, Ty, but sometimes God makes things happen because that's just the way it's supposed to be." She took a deep breath. "I don't know why he took my mother away, except that maybe he wanted me to come here for Christmas... to be with you."

She took a handkerchief from the pocket of her deep brown velvet dress, the hem of which was wet and dirty from walking to the cabin. Outside a wet snow had left the ground a mess, but now the snow was fast becoming a full-force blizzard. He noticed Alice's boots were covered with slush and mud, and he realized how cold she really must be.

"Come back by the stove, Alice." He put a hand to her waist and led her over to the stove. "I really am sorry about what I said, especially with you just losing your mother."

She blew her nose. "We only came here for Christmas because your mother invited us... out of the goodness of her heart," she sniffed. "If she had some other motive... I wouldn't know about it. And I only came out here because I care about you, and I think you're wrong to be hurting people the way you are, Ty... and to be staying alone like this... especially at Christmas. It's been way over a year since Ramona died." She met his eyes. "Ty, your own parents lost a son. I remember people said they had a lot of troubles for a while after that. Now look at them. They're such a loving, happy couple. They got through it, Ty, and they survived. My own father lost his wife after being together twenty-five years! How do you think that feels? Life goes on, Ty, and people make choices. Ramona made her choice, and that accident was no one's fault but her own."

He folded his arms for warmth, staying near the stove. "Everybody scared her with all their talk of how other people would make it hard for us, how our being so different would have caused problems."

"It did cause problems, before you could even marry her. Don't you see that? Ty, maybe she loved you more than you loved her."

He scowled, anger coming into his eyes. "What the hell does that mean?"

"She knew, Ty. She knew everybody else was probably right. And she loved you so much she didn't want to take the chance of making you unhappy. She had the courage to back out of it, to do what she knew was best for you, no matter how much it hurt. That's how much she loved you."

He looked away. "And I loved her enough to face the risks."

Alice leaned down and opened the draft on the stove a little so it would burn harder. "Ty, I think part of your anger is at yourself. I think you know that deep inside she did love you more than you loved her. Just ask yourself. Could you have given up the Double L for Ramona?"

He turned, meeting her gaze with a frown. "Give up the Double L?"

"Yes. If things had gotten so bad for her that she couldn't stand to live around here anymore, could you have left, for her sake?"

He just stared at her for several quiet seconds, then turned away again. "That isn't a fair question."

"I think it is. I know you loved her very much, Ty. But I think you love the Double L more, and you love your parents. You think you hate Nathan, but you only hate him because you know he was right all along."

"I don't want to hear that. You'd better leave, Alice."

She drew in her breath. "Fine." She walked to the door. "Please think about everything I've said, Ty, and come spend Christmas Day with us." She turned to face him once more, holding her chin high in an effort to keep her courage. "And remember one more thing. I love you, Ty. I've loved you since I was twelve years old. I'm twenty now, and I have had lots of young men court me, want to marry me. So far I have always turned them down, because of how I feel about you. I can't turn them down forever, Ty. I want to be married, to have a family. If that sounds terribly bold, I don't care. You should know how I feel. I know that Ramona must have loved you very much, but I know in my heart that I love you more, and I understand you and your way of life better than she ever could have." She dropped her gaze then and turned away. "I know from talk that you had already... been with her. I've never... I never had the chance to have that kind of hold on you, and I don't know how I would compare; but I can learn... and there isn't another man in all of Montana I'd rather have teach me."

She ran out then, closing the door behind her. It didn't catch properly, and the wind blew it open again. Tyler hurried to close it, watching after her, but she had already disappeared into the darkness. The wind was beginning to blow harder, its howling gale carrying with it heavy snows that made it difficult even to see the lights of the house. Ty strained to catch a glimpse of those lights, aching inside to be up there with the family, but a stubborn hatred and determination kept him alone in his cabin.

He closed the door and bolted it, then walked back to the stove, his thoughts whirling in a confused mixture of memories of Ramona and visions of Alice Richards, who in many ways reminded him of his mother in her strength and personality. He and Alice had always been good friends, and he supposed that was as important to love and marriage as anything. That was one thing that had always been a part of his parents' relationship.

His thoughts were interrupted then when above the howling wind he thought he heard the sound of horses whinnying in alarm. Another sound brought all senses alert —the growl of a bobcat. He quickly grabbed his hooded wolfskin coat and a pair of wolfskin gloves and hurried out into the night to check the horses.



Everyone gathered in the parlor—Luke and Lettie, Brad and Katie and their four children. The baby, Jeffrey, was sitting in Katie's lap, Paul sat on Luke's knee, while Rachael Ann and Robert played near the fireplace with blocks.

Nathan teased Leena that in a few months they would not both fit in the love seat where they sat together now because she would be big with child again. Little Luke and his sister Julie sat on the floor in front of Nathan and Leena, giggling about how they were going to help their mother with the new baby that was due next summer.

Alice was at the piano, and her father sat nearby, smiling with everyone else; but his eyes showed the strain of his recent loss. At the moment Lettie was more concerned about Alice. She had obviously been crying when she came back from visiting Ty. The thought that Ty must have said something to hurt her made her angry with her son, and she felt like walking out to the cabin and giving him a good piece of her mind and making him come to the house. In two days it would be Christmas. It was time he rejoined his family and put Ramona behind him, time to think about someone else. She had no doubt whatsoever that Alice Richards loved Ty as much, probably more, than Ramona had.

She checked her anger and reminded herself this was to be a time of togetherness and celebration. She hoped inviting William and Alice would help get them through what would have been a lonely Christmas for them. She missed Betty Richards herself. The woman had been active in the women's club, and was a good friend to all. It didn't seem fair that God should take away so many good people.

"Please understand that I couldn't begin to be as good at this as Pearl is," Alice told them all with a bashful smile, referring to her piano playing. They had gathered together to sing Christmas carols, fifteen of them including Mae. Mae's husband, Bob Franks, had died the past winter from a heart attack, and Mae had stayed on, feeling a part of the family.

Alice had volunteered to play piano for them. It felt good to Lettie to have the house so full again. Outside the wind and snow threatened to keep them all there for days, maybe longer, and she was glad now she had thought of this. If the snow was going to keep them inside, it was certainly not going to be a lonely time for Luke and her. As was a Fontaine tradition, on Christmas Day all the Double L men, and even those with families, were welcome to come to the main house at various times throughout the day and eat, and she always made sure there was some kind of little present for everyone. She could only pray that this year Ty would come, too, and she wished Pearl and Robbie could also be there.

Alice began playing "Silent Night," and Lettie could hardly sing the words because of the lump that formed in her throat. As always, she had had Double L men cut and erect a huge tree in the parlor, and presents spilled out over the floor. She remembered other Christmases, the children all little and at home, the house filled with excitement. She could even remember little Paul's last Christmas. She glanced at Julie, who held a ragged, mended, stuffed horse— Nathan's horse. How could her son be twenty-five years old now? It seemed impossible.

She moved her gaze to Luke. He had set Paul down so he could run off and play, and now Robert sat on his knee. Luke was fifty-one now, but still solid and handsome, although more gray showed in his dark hair. She was forty-one herself, and although Luke still told her she looked hardly different from the eighteen-year-old woman he had brought to this wild land, she knew better. Her hands and face were more wrinkled, her own hair showing some gray; but she was proud that she had kept a slender figure. Their lovemaking had only gotten better with age, sweeter, more fulfilling.

They started the second verse of "Silent Night," when they were interrupted by someone pounding on the door. Mae hurried out to answer it, and they all waited. "I need to see Luke," came a deep voice. Lettie recognized it as Grady Rutledge, a hired hand who had been with them now for three years. He was a big, bearded man, and as with most of the men who worked here, they knew little about his past. They knew only that he was single and thirty years old when they hired him, and that he had worked on ranches in Texas for years. He had turned out to be as valuable as Tex had once been.

Grady came lumbering into the parlor, wearing denim pants and leather winter boots. His fur-lined deerskin coat made him seem even bigger. He removed a fur cap, and his thick hair stood out in messy strands. "I'm sorry, Mr. Fontaine, to interrupt things here, but I thought you should know." The man looked nervous and embarrassed.

Luke grasped hold of Robert and put him down as he got to his feet. "Know what?"

"Ty. A damn bobcat came around the barn and scared the horses. That damn black stallion he likes so well kicked his way right out of his stall and took off. Ty came to the bunkhouse and told us he was going after it."

Luke frowned in concern. "In this weather? For God's sake, he knows better than that! In a storm like this you can get four feet of snow overnight! He could get lost!"

"I know. I told him he shouldn't go, but you know how he's been these last few months. He don't listen to a damn thing anybody says. I told him we can all go look for the horse in the morning, weather permitting, but he just got mad and said he could find it himself."

Luke glanced at Nathan. Both of them knew Ty had never quite gotten over the fact that it was Nathan who had tamed the horse in the first place, after Tyler had been unsuccessful at it. He was not about to let Nathan be the one to go out and rescue the animal now. "That boy's pride is going to kill him someday," Luke muttered. He walked toward the hallway. "I'd better go try to find him."

"Luke, no!" Lettie protested, getting up from her own chair. "You can't go out there in the dark. You can't see anything. How would you know where to begin to look? You don't even know which way he went."

"What the hell else can I do?"

"She's right, Luke. Ain't no man that's going to find his way around out there tonight," Grady told him. "The wind is howlin' somethin' awful, and the snow is pilin' up and it's black as tar out there. I can't imagine how Ty could think he could find that damn horse in weather like this. Far as I'm concerned, the horse ought to be shot. He's been nothin' but a troublemaker ever since the boy first captured him."

Luke rubbed at his eyes. "In more ways than one," he commented. He looked at Lettie, his blue eyes showing the agony that was always there when he feared for one of his children.

"I can find him," Nathan spoke up.

Luke and Lettie both looked at him. Nathan had walked out into the hallway to stand near them. "What makes you so sure?" Luke asked.

"I know the horse, for one thing. A horse nearly always goes back to what he thinks of as home. The stallion will go back to Red Canyon, where he was captured. Tyler knows this. He will go there."

"He'll never make it in this weather," Grady spoke up. "A man loses his way real easy in a snow like this."

Nathan held Luke's eyes. "I will not get lost. The Sioux have ways of surviving this kind of weather. They can find their way in the worst of storms, and can track through almost any kind of snow. At first light I will go. You will stay here. My mother does not need to be worrying about both you and Tyler. I can do it better by myself."

"But both of my sons will be out there," Lettie said. "That's just as bad as Luke and Tyler both being lost."

"But I will not be lost. Do not worry about me, Mother. I can do it."

"You'd be risking your life for someone who professes to hate you," Luke reminded him.

Nathan smiled sadly. "I do not believe that Tyler hates me as much as he says. Perhaps it is best that I am the one who finds him, the one to help him if he is hurt." He looked at his mother. "I need to do this."

She nodded, tears in her eyes. She embraced him then, taking comfort in the fact that he moved his own arms around her. "Nathan, if we lose Tyler—"

"I know." He looked at Luke. "I will find him."

In the parlor Alice had left the piano and stood at a window. She pulled back a curtain and saw nothing but blackness, except for snow that was sticking to the outside of the window. An ugly fear gripped her that Tyler had gone deliberately, maybe hoping to die. Was it something she had said? She closed her eyes and prayed for him.